Changing Girlfriend 'Mid Stream'

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My present situation is that I have a girlfriend and we have been together for about eight years. For the last eighteen months or so we have been drifting apart and she is presently working away Monday-Friday and just returning to our apartment over the weekend. I've tried everything I know to save the relationship but it's dying.

I've met someone else on the Internet and things with her are good, very good. She lives about 800 miles away and over the last three days I have been visiting her in her home city. We both had fun, not sex, just two people having a great time. Now she wants to visit me and that's a BIG problem because I haven't told her about the existing girlfriend yet. I know I should have but I kept on putting it off and now it's way too late.

How do I handle this? Has anyone else on this board managed to change from one relationship to another without losing both of them? As an example there would be loads of difficulties bringing her back to my/our apartment even during a weekday because there is no way I can clear out and store all of my existing girlfriend's stuff and 'sanitize' the apartment.

Options? Opinions?

Vanilla_Slice

There's a curve in the highway
Just south of town
Where a man is pulled over
To figure life out
With only his conscience and the lonesome sound
Of Diesels winding upgrade
Got a wife and two kids
They love him so
Got a woman down in Charleston
She's starting to show
Well he's damned if he leaves
But sure damned if he don't
And he wonders how life got this way

It's a fine line, in between right and wrong
Yeah, he's been crossing over that border way too long
He should have seen it coming at him right from the start
Now there ain't escape from a broken heart

Yeah, you never solve one problem with another problem, especially when it comes to women. Grass is always greener, blah, blah, blah. Your new relationship is based on deception, not always a good foundation. You're screwed either way.

Just tell your friend-who-is-a-girl what your current dating situation is. It's not way too late; late is better than never. You aren't doing her any favors by not telling her, giving her a false impression. Living a lie (giving your friend an impression that you're single) will only drain your energy and cause a ton of problems in your life.

Also, have you talked to your current girlfriend about the dying relationship? If not, it wouldn't be fair to her to just abandon the relationship without trying to do anything to resuscitate it.

You cannot consider "changing from one relationship to another without losing both of them" without the input of the two women involved. Otherwise you would not be taking into consideration the needs and desires of the other people; it'd be totally selfish. You're in a tough position but you put yourself in it. You have to be responsible for it.

You can't swop girlfriends just like that. They are people, not objects. How would you feel if it were your girlfriend writing a similar post? She also spends 5 days a week away from you.

You say you have tried to work things out, but if you are already looking for her replacement, I do wonder how much effort you have actually put into saving your relationship. If you miss her during the week, then sit down with her and see if you can arrange to call more often or do stuff on the weekends. It's probably tough for her being away from you too but she's being going out with you for 8 years, so chances are she loves you and figures you love her too, or at least care. How do you think she'd feel knowing you are plotting all this behind her back?

My advice is cut all ties with your online friend. Completely.. You may lose your opportunity with her, but there is no way you can be 'working on things' with your current girlfriend if you are busy playing away. Give your relationship one last chance, and really make an effort. Then, if it still doesn't work out, then end things on a good note with you girlfriend and start afresh.

There is no way to change 'midstream' without acting like a total jerk.

If things are going that badly with the first / current relationship, why not just end it? Then you're free to do whatever you want.

Ending your current relationship could be an act of honesty towards yourself and your gf - acknowledging, after a long period of "drifting away", that it isn't meant to be. For all you know, she's been thinking the same way, herself.

As for the other girl, try to take it easy and maintain the friendship while dealing with the situation at hand. I don't know if you need to tell her right away. I don't know if it's even any of her business. If you tell her about it all right now, she might get the impression that you're leaving a serious relationship just for her (which would put a huge amount of pressure on things) or that you just want to use her as a "rebound". You could tell her you're really busy, put off the visit until you've broken up with the first girl, and hope to build things with her slowly. Come clean in retrospect, after she's gotten to know you well enough to be sure she's neither being used nor held to unrealistic expectations.

You've got to be honest with yourself and act accordingly. This involves being honest with everyone. But you are free to take your time to decide how to tell who about what, and when.

I think that to say that you're screwed is a bit extreme. Life is messy.

Not to be rude, but this is just unfortunately dishonest from start to finish. You've lied to all parties involved and your question here is still not really about how to get honest and 'do the right thing' in a sticky situation, but instead about expert moving of furniture and personal items in order to enable further deceit of both parties. Just saying.

I think the Bats advice above re: honesty is excellent - be honest with your girlfriend and your new friend-who-is-a-girl. Then, handle the logistics of separate living arrangements prior to moving forward with the new friend. I would also agree it is best to distance yourself from the friend-who-is-a-girl whilst getting honest, and going through the break up with the existing girlfriend.

I can tell you from my own personal girl-perspective: A guy who was dishonest with me like this at the very foundation of our friendship (meaning your friend-who-is-a-girl) I would cut loose like yesterday's newspaper. I suspect your girlfriend is probably already used to the dishonesty if you've been with her for 8 years, but I still think you owe her the truth.

Good luck.

So....while your live-in gf is traveling Monday-Friday to make a living, you're cheating on her - and lying to the girl you're cheating with (please, don't give me that, "We haven't had sex so it's not cheating," shizzle - if you weren't cheating, you would have told your online friend about your live-in gf).

Yes, you should tell both women the truth, and both of them should dump you like a hot rock. Cause the one thing we know about liars is - anyone? - they lie. The poor girl you met online probably can't believe her luck - she met a great guy who was willing to travel 800 miles to see her, had a great weekend with him....she thinks she's at the start of something wonderful. She has no idea you're actually living and sleeping with another woman - and that you want to continue to live and sleep with that woman, while you work online girl into the mix. And you've actually considered whether you could get rid of your gf's things so online girl could visit you? I'm curious - do you have a conscience? How about a moral code? JM&J - how about some freaking shame? I am astounded that you don't seem even a little ashamed of yourself - and you should be. You don't deserve either one of them.

Last edited by HopeGrows on 27 Jan 2010, 11:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

QFT.


M.

OK, done, end of topic. Last night I told her that I didn't want to see her again and (surprise surprise) she was kinda upset about it. I'm now stuck in a relationship which is dying on it's feet but because it is 'the right thing to do' I'm going to follow things through until the bitter end, then look around again.

One thing none of you have considered. I'm fifty years old, have you any IDEA how hard it is to find someone at my age?

The last thing I did was delete all of the stored emails and pictures. Anyone my age who is a science fiction fan may remember the moment in 'Rollerball' when James Cahn realizes he can never have his wife back and he deletes the tape holding all of her images. I know exactly how he felt. As for me, I didn't delete everything because it was the 'right thing to do', I did it because there is zero chance of things working out between us under the present circumstances and this is the only way I can deal with failure, wipe the slate clean and hope that the memories fade.

Sod it, I'm off to the gym to work off some pounds and a hell of a lot of anger.

Vanilla_Slice

Most of the advice here wasn't telling you to stay in a dead-end relationship. It was about ending things properly with your current girlfriend if you are certain you have no feelings for her anymore, and starting afresh.

I was one of the people who thought you should probably give your relationship another chance but even so, like the majority of people who replied here, it wasn't the fact that you wanted to move on that was the issue, it was the way you were planning on doing so and the sheer deception and cowardice that it involved.

I'm glad you're not stringing the online friend along anymore, but if you are planning on staying in your current relationship, then stop thinking of being with her as sticking it out till 'the bitter end' or 'dying on its feet' and sit down with your girlfriend and try to find a way to make things work. Otherwise, what's the point?