The Ghosts of Relationship's Past

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Hmmmmmm, I don't know how to start this one out...

So, I've been seeing this guy for at least a month now, we are exact copies of one another, I am excited to be with him, he is excited to be with me, but for myriads of reasons due to my past relations and past exhaustions from them, I can't trust him. I continue to think he's holding something out on me (I don't know what it is) and that he's going replenish all the cycles of all my ex's that I have already seen. To me this seems rather PTSDish, incidently I sort of have resigned myself to loneliness, but he's perfect for me, and I am scared as all hell that this time he's my last chance at this! He and I click like I've never clicked to anyone before. We have many things in common ie: like we want to be fanatical naturalists, we hold many of the same beliefs, we love each other's company (like crazy), we love eastern thought, and we also blow our noses on old dirty t-shirts or other garments lying around instead of tissues!! (I'm talkin the kind of things that you'd have to be from Jupiter to understand) I've haven't felt this way in a LONG time and now that he's here I feel that I'm too analytical/phobic/skeptical/distant which is going to cause some sort of backdraft effect. Help fellow aspergians! I'm scared!! ! I don't know if I can open up anymore!! !! !! !!

I can't tell you how to fix it but I have been there and PTSDish so describes it.

After my first husband committed suicide, I had resigned myself to being alone. A few GREAT guys even got away as I had feared they would (because I *pushed* them away because of my fears).

When I met my current husband, we went through almost a whole year of cycling. Me pushing, him pushing back. Threatening to leave and me being contrite and sorry for pushing him and NOT wanting him to leave. He finally promised NOT to threaten me with leaving if I promised not to call him names whenever I got angry (a bad habit I picked up from first hubby because he didn't like it either).

Once we made those agreements, we didn't argue much at all anymore, except when it came to dealing with my oldest son. That we are still working on BUT we don't FIGHT anymore and we're still together and now married.

I still picture what would happen to me IF he did leave or die. That's where the PTSDish stuff comes in. And instead of picturing this devestating situation, I picture being able to move on. To keep living life. Then the fear of that thing happening... left. I no longer fear it. I know that regardless if I"m with someone or not, I am going to be okay.

That's what worked for me. Not sure what would work for you

You sound perfect for each other, and he sounds like he's really into you. A month isn't long to be able to build up trust in someone after the experiences you've had in the past. I wouldn't give yourself a hard time about that. If you're concerned about it affecting the way you act toward him, I think the best thing to do would be to talk to him about it. Just as an idea, you could say that you are really into him, and that you can feel that he's really into you. You could say that you sense that you can trust him, but you're worried that you might not come across like that. Say that sometimes you can be a bit guarded because of things that happened in the past, but that you really want him to stick with you, and in time you know you're gonna be ok with him. That way you've said what the issue is, but you've kept it positive.

Two people always come with "baggage", and as a relationship develops, it's good to explore what that is openly, and to be honest with each other... if you know you can do that with him, then you know he's a really great guy. It's a balance, cos you don't want to be stuck in the past, of course, but to be able to feel comfortable having a conversation like that once in a while is a great strength in a relationship.

There's a good mantra, "Give me strength to allow this person to be different."

Meaning - the change comes from in you also. It's rather esoteric, but your behavior is 50% of the relationship. How you choose to perceive and behave is very powerful. Trust is a decision that you make and it says more about you than him.

I think thoughts like "he's my last chance" are probably toxic to the process.

Honey, I could have written a letter very similar to yours very recently. When you meet someone that seems like such a great match in so many ways, it can make you feel so vulnerable. There's this internal struggle between wanting that person to choose you (be with you, stay with you, invest in your happiness) - and trying to shield yourself from rejection. The desire to protect yourself can often cause you to project negative attributes onto the object of your affection. It's a way to subtly de-value that person so if they reject you, it won't hurt as much. That could be what you're doing right now - projecting the problems of your former bfs onto this new guy.

As another poster mentioned, it's only been a month. The only thing that is going to ease your mind is to continue to observe his behavior. Look for signs of good character and psychological health: consistent behavior; respectful; kind; open; good listener; good communicator; willing to discuss your concerns openly; willing to own his mistakes; willing to admit when he's wrong.....you know what to look for. Tell him about your concerns, that you believe they're unfounded, and that he's given you no reason to doubt him. Help him understand that you recognize the problem isn't anything he's done - it's your track record with men. Ask him to be patient. If he's willing to be patient, that's a pretty good sign. Good luck.

It sounds like you are just getting scared of repeating the same cycle. It may be a legitimate fear, but can you just let go of it? If you both get along so great and he makes you happy, enjoy it rather than be fearful of potential disaster.

Any time you start to develop feelings for someone it's scary. You could get hurt. But it's better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. There are no guarantees in love... even people that get married get divorced sometimes..... it's always a risk to give your heart to someone. But the risk your taking with this person maybe well worth it in the end. But you will never know if you don't take the risk.

Thanks for the responses, ladies!
You've been a great help.

Ciao

Stinkypuppy and robinhood aren't ladies....