How to ask out aspie girl?

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To start, i have never asked anyone out before and i have anxiety issues. I met this girl a few months ago and we both know each other pretty well. We both go to the same college, and we're both very conscientious students.

My three concerns are:

How she will respond: she is a very hard working student, and i don't know if she will being willing to get into a relationship. She doesn't have a boyfriend and doesn't have many guy friends.

How to get the courage to ask: I have never done this before and i get very anxious in new situations. Also, dating someone for the first time is a big change and this is making my very nervious.

How to ask and what to say: I don't know how i should bring it up in conversation. She recently asked me if i wanted to join a school club she was in, so i was thinking about asking her if we could talk about the club alone and than i could ask her out afterward. But what should i say?

Any suggestions will definitely be appreciated.

Quick relevant info: I'm 26, undiagnosed aspie, went to college, and have considerable success with women, somehow.

Those sound like the kinds of commonalities you'd expect from college students interested in dating or a relationship. You should go for it.



As long as this person is somehow you really do know as well as it sounds, there are really only two reactions to expect, which is that she'll either say yes or no. As long as you don't do or say something really dumb, a no probably won't change the nature of your current friendship for the worse.



Do your best to control the situation in which you talk to her. Make sure that you feel comfortable in the setting you're in, and check that she does too. Since you're both aspies, you'll probably have to communicate that verbally. Try to elicit commentary about your surroundings to gauge whether she is focused on positive or negative aspects of her environment. If either of you seems too anxious, wait until next time.

It's almost imperative that you get your friend to be alone with you for you to ask her out. It seems to me that Aspies and Auties prefer to be extremely private about their emotional lives, and if you ask her out in front of anyone else, even strangers, even people not remotely involved in the conversation, you will both feel very anxious and embarrassed.



You already have the right ideas. Ask her to meet somewhere to talk about the club, and plan it in advance. Don't be too forceful in specifying that you want to be alone, because that would be asking her out. Just try to arrange a meeting somewhere where people won't likely be. If you're at all like me, you'll probably spend the next few days simulating the expected scenario over and over in your head. If that helps your anxiety, then don't worry about it, but also don't expect that you can plan out a script of how it will go. It's better just to be honest about you feel.

The only really hard part is bridging the hurdle of your anxiety to talk about your private, inner self. Once you get there, your Aspie honesty will tell you what to say, no problem. Since she's also AS, she'll take you at your word, and think about it seriously. It sounds very possible to me that your friend already has a crush on you. You may both even be engaging in flirting without either of you knowing it. Do you have any neurotypical friends who know both of you and understand AS? Ask them if they think she'd be interested in you. They have some weird sort of 7th sense about those things, I think, and there's a good chance they'll tell you to go for it too.

Best of luck, man.
I'll come through again and post a bit about what you might experience in a relationship, though I have never dated anyone who also seemed to be on the spectrum.

-ck

Be gradual about it in a conversation. In other words, don't spring it up on her all at once.

And be straight forward, because Aspies oftentimes have difficulty reading hints.

That may be, but the desire for some comfort from a guy or girl really cuts straight through commitments like school. So don't be too worried about that. I'm sure she wants to find the right boyfriend as much as you want a girlfriend.

She will be willing to have a relationship. The real question is 'what depth?'
If you've never had a girlfriend, then the chances are pretty good that you want it all. A very mild, low temperature, infrequent relationship isn't gonna do it for you, and you'll try to reach for more. If she is experienced with relationship, or if she really is that focused on school, or if she's simply a confident lady with a lot going on in her life in general, then the chances are pretty good that she would want something mild. She wants few commitments. She wants few emotional roller-coasters, she wants few obligations and responsibilities, and she most certainly doesn't want to have to worry about her boyfriend.
Thus, you might be at a disadvantage, in terms of how needy either of you are.

So with that in mind, however you end up approaching her, I suggest keeping it all very mild. She very well might not be nearly so 'into it' as you are. If you do not tone it down, in such a case, you will scare her away. So keep that in mind, and reign it in a bit, tiger.
Bare in mind, I'm making many assumptions. If the assumptions don't fit you, my apologies. However, these assumptions fit with most lonely aspie introverts.

Your nervousness, compared to just about all other factors, is your biggest challenge, and your most devastating enemy. More than just about any other factor, it is likely to be the one to make or break you. Therefore, whatever approach you choose should probably be decided according to your nerves. You will help yourself most by finding ways to feel more at-ease and comfortable.

Classic date ideas, like a fancy restaurant, raise tension for most guys. We feel like we need to maintain a certain demeanor, we feel like we have to say all the right things, we feel like we have to be formal, we feel like it's supposed to go down in a particular way.
Pressure, pressure, pressure, and more pressure.
This is why I'm a big proponent of non-classic date ideas.

I propose that you find out an activity you two can do that does not feel like a date. Something light, something fun, something emotionally relaxing for both of you, something prone to good moods. What you probably want is just about anything that makes it feel informal, or less like a date, or mitigates your expectations or desired outcomes. Subtle expectations are teh debil.

Studying together's not too bad, because it's clearly not a date... However it's drawback is that if you're studying, then you're not talking..... but you sure as hell are thinking about the date. So that's not so good on the nerves.

Going out for coffee isn't too terrible, because it's informal, and you're talking, and it's a pleasant atmosphere.... But it's drawback is that it's clearly a date, and puts expectations in your mind, and makes you worried about what to do and say next.

Going to the zoo with a bunch of friends could be a pretty good idea, because it's not very date-ish with all the people around, it's fun, you have friends around to put you at ease, and it's a nice atmosphere. There's also the option of splitting off from the group with her, if the opportunity is right. Also, it gives you lots of photo ops, which is a really useful gimmick for all sorts of stuff. But a big downside is that you have to work hard to keep up lots of conversation and flirting with your prospective lady, instead of letting your interaction get lost in the crowd, so it's kinda demanding on your confidence.

Going out to an art show is a pretty cool idea, because it gives you something somewhat fun to do, it lets you walk around together, it provides an easy talking subject, there's lots of people around (and hopefully lots of noise... less noise = more nervousness), it gives you photo ops, although it's potentially slightly formal.

Going out to a music show varies widely. Mostly it depends on how capable of talking you are within the venue! If it's too loud, much of the conversation gets stomped. But if you can muster the confidence to do stuff like dance, or if you know how to infect a good mood onto her, then you could both have fun, which helps her want to go do something with you again.

Going out clothes shopping is pretty cool. You instantly have a subject to talk about that's personal and engaging, and can easily branch into other fun convos. It's completely informal, it feels nothing like a date, it's fun, etc etc. Downside is money(used clothes stores help on that though), and it has the prerequisite that you have to know one or two good shopping spots in convenient locations, but you could also mine her for ideas... If she gets into it enough, she'll probably have some good ideas. But there's a HUGE risk here! If you do not flirt overtly and constantly, this particular brand of occasion runs the risk of turning you into a platonic friend. So it's a bit demanding on your confidence.

There's lots of options out there... It can be difficult to foresee the relevant variables, but hopefully we can find the relevant highlights if you come up with other ideas. Just remember that your comfort, and hers, is paramount. Fun follows closely behind. If it's a comfortable and fun occasion, then she comes away with very little reason NOT to want to do something with you again.

No, not good idea. It's too sneaky, too indirect. I mean, it could work, but it's not helping you. Since you don't know this girl very well(I'm guessing) then it's early on, and you haven't done much of anything to undermine you. That's GREAT. A lot of guys, they get to know a woman really well, know her a long time, get to be platonic friends..... And then they're stuck there, due to their inaction, and lack of forthright, bold behavior. You aren't there yet. Hopefully you can avoid going down the same path to fail.

The best way to avoid going down that path, from the get-go, is to be very obvious that you're interested in her as more than friends. You don't need to some meat-head, you don't want to be a jerk, etc. But you do want to work towards being unafraid of what you're interested in, unafraid of what others think, etc. Note that if you were a confident guy, in this regard, then you wouldn't frame your approach within the context of wanting to be a platonic friend. In reality, you'll be her friend either way, so long as you're a solid guy, which I'm sure you are. Worry instead of about fostering comfort, chemistry, attraction, good times, and clarity of intent. Everything else will come naturally over time, like getting to know her background better, but those prior mentioned things have to be actively sought, at first. If you do not seek those things from the start, above all other things, then you run the risk of seeming platonic, and getting stuck there.

...But enough generalities, I'm sure you'd like some specifics.
For one, you want to go out and do something with her and get to know her outside of a school-peer context. Thus the requirement for a 'date' (although I hate that word, due to the classic connotations it carries.). Do not, absolutely do not, frame that date within the context of something else, like the club idea. It would be far better that it's framed within a truthful context - You want to go out and do something fun with her, because it's her, not because of some club(for instance). This takes some guts to lay it out like that, but... well... Man up. That's what she'll probably want in a guy anyways.

The process of getting her to come out with you doesn't need to be complex... But there are some useful steps, as far as I've found. Lets say you go with the art show idea.

Step One) Plan to personally attend the event/occasion in advance, regardless of her. The purpose of this is to avoid the 'setting up a date' mentality. You don't want to haggle the place and time too much, because that puts the date mentality, along with all it's expectations and pressures, into both of your minds. This isn't just bad for you because of nervousness.... It's also bad because if she feels even remotely uncomfortable about the prospect of a date from the start, that's fuel for her to decline with. It might not even be because she doesn't want to go do something with you, it could be just because she's shy, and the idea of a date - any date - is kinda scary. Thus, again, the desire for a feeling of comfort in all things. Additionally, it presents a concrete time-frame, so she knows that she'll only have to deal with it for a limited time, instead of some nebulous "when will it be over" sense of uncertainty. Kinda a weird concept, but it's relevant.
Finally, if you present a somewhat hard time-frame, if she turns you down, then she's actually turning down the schedule or event, and not you. This is a tactic that helps those of us who are still building our confidence. Anything that helps prevent us from sulking away in a sense of defeat. Instead, we should always try again, with a good, positive, optimistic attitude, unless it's become very, very clear that she simply isn't interested in you(After all, proposing a date to someone isn't the imposing, insensitive thing, so fire away).

Step Two) At the very next opportunity you have, ask her directly, in a bright, good mood. Say you think she should come, that you'd like her to come. Smile, look her in the eye, make sure your posture is good, don't fidget. When you ask her, don't fall into stuff like "I was thinking maybe you might sorta kinda want to, you know, ....." No no no. And of course, Don't apologize.

Step Three) PROFIT.
No, actually, step three would be if/when she turns you down. If she declines, don't be like "Oh... Okay," while letting your gaze go down to your feet in dismay. The turn-down was NOT personal. Remember that. Stay positive, stay bright, keep smiling. Something like "Ah, too bad. Next time you should, though!" The next time you see her, and have come up with some another fun activity, you do it again and invite her directly in a good, positive mood, thinking, "Why WOULDN'T someone want to come with?" But the point is, you don't let her get you down. Of course it is a bit of a let down, but don't get that thought any extra traction on your outward demeanor. It's good training for stabilizing your expectations and response to 'rejection.'
Finally, don't get too hung up over this girl. She may seem cool, but you don't know that, not really. You just don't know her well enough, so don't over-invest in the idea of her. There is likely some other girl around who's just as cool, and might be more prone to appreciate you.

Example: "Hey! I'm going to an art show on Friday night over at the [Blah}... I'm thinking about arriving at 9, and it should run till about 11, I think. About 2 hours. I think you'd like it, you should come with!"
"uhh... I dunno....uhhh...."
"It's really cool, they've got everything, even grafitti artists, installation art, technology art. You can bring your friends, too. Here's the flyer. Interested?"
"Ooooh, I can't, I have to wash my hair"
"Bah, that's too bad, you're missing out. But they do it every month. I'm definitely gonna bug you about this next month for sure. Your life wont be complete if you don't see it at least once!"
... And you move on seamlessly, while in a good mood, to the next unrelated topic. There is not rejection, here.

The next day, you ask her to come out with you for lunch in a somewhat similar manner, probably with a more flexible time frame. It's just a short lunch, no big deal, it's not a date. Go ahead & talk about the club while you're walking there or something, but going out for coffee only exists because you simply want to go out for coffee with her, there's no stupid pretense. While you're out there, you ask her out on [i]another[i/] event, like the zoo, or a party at your friends' house, or whatever you can come up with. Similarly, you try to pull her into coming along with you, assisted by your golden smile and infectiously un-compromised good mood.

... okay I've typed enough for now... ><
I hope it's at least helpful.

Wow, that's a lot to take in. I'll definitely try to arrange a private conversation with her. I don't have class with her til a week from now, so I'm thinking of either e-mailing her (don't have # yet) and arranging something, or just finding her on campus (small school) and just do a "hey, can i talk to you for a minute." As for the date, something like an art museum sounds like a great idea down the road, but for now i might just want to go out to eat somewhere casual and maybe go to a movie. I think if we're alone i would be a lot less nervous. Hopefully that works.

Thank you guys for the help, it means a lot to me.

look Im a female non aspie and I think the previous posts are great except theyve missed out a really major point
she's more nervous of the whole situation than you are. My suggestion would be invite her to coffee and then suggest a really non date thingy (walking her back to her room or the bus) and then going for the meeting of the next homework / project...its a situation she will feel ok in.......if you go for the 'date ' thing it multiplies every nightmare every female has before a date which will be even more scary for her

^ Bah, I mentioned that aspect in my post! But it's an excellent point.



As for asking her out via email - Bad idea. Always do it in person, if possible.

As for the movie, that's a classic date. One of it's drawbacks is that for most of that time, 1.5-2 hours, you're not speaking with her, or interacting with her at all. It's time that's effectively lost. Moreover, a lot of guys end up feeling pressure to try to turn the movie to their favor, despite nothing else happening during that stretch. See >this post's second half, regarding comfort progression, and skipping steps. Also, >this thread. Lots of very good info in there. I suggest reading them both, as you will find their topics extremely relevant to helping you. In particular, the ideas within might help you feel less tense about making a mistake. There are things you can do to avoid making mistakes. So give them a read.

If you do choose to go to some restaurant, recognize that this is also sort of a classic date. If nothing else is on the schedule, then it's very clearly a date, and it puts you both into a date mentality. It's a bit less 'classic' if the outing is extremely casual - like going to the nearest teriyaki joint or something - so it might not be so bad. But the reason I made a number of those suggestions was to promote an activity that stands up on it's own, and would be enjoyable either way. A restaurant doesn't quite do that, it's extremely personal unless the occasion is made to be very, very casual and convenient, a true non-date.

For that reason, I think that going out to do something fun is a better introductory option.

Btw, when I said art show, I didn't mean art museum. A museum reeks of date, it's quiet, it's very personal. And because of the stuffy atmosphere, you can't really talk comfortably. You are allowed to comment quietly on the artwork. BORING, unhelpful. This is a classic date.
Compare that to, say, your city's art street fair sort of thing, which happens not-in-a-museum. That's more like an event. For example, >I've used this for some successful dates. I'm sure your city has similar sorts of things.

I didn't realize that dating would be so confusing

What I'll probably do is e-mail her to tell her that I'd like to talk to her about the club and set up a time for us to meet on campus. Than after we talk for a little while, than I'll ask her out. I'm thinking that a Hibachi restaurant would be a good idea. Its an easy going atmosphere. One last problem. She lives a half hour away, and she doesn't drive, but I do. Should I pick her up and try to find someplace near her, or meet someplace.

This strikes me as a false pretense. You're using the club as an excuse to get together with her. Wanting to get together with her is a reason unto itself. Feel free to talk about the club any time you want, but it's not the reason you're trying to set this up, so don't make it seem that way. Moreover, why email her? Unless you have no other way of getting in contact with her, it's really the worst option.
Ya got it backwards! =op Get together in a fun atmosphere first, then talk and get to know her.

If you're just meeting up for nothing in particular (like eating & talking), then picking her up would probably be a pretty personal, and pretty date-like, less comfortable. This is especially true if you are going out of your way for a half hour each way. I'd suggest not doing a restaurant kind of outing unless its already convenient, where she's already in the area. However, if it's more like an event(like a concert, or meeting up with a group of people), then picking her up is simply necessary logistics.

The kind of restaurant you described seems pretty good, btw, low key. But only if it's casual, convenient. If you're going to go through all the effort of picking her up and dropping her off, it might be kinda lame.

Neither did I, till more recently. And it's part of why I was a wreck with dating prior to then. It's actually very confusing and difficult to understand at first, 'specially for aspies. But it can be learned.

It may seem like I'm nitpicking here, but all these little details do matter. They all add up. And the reasoning behind all of this is intrinsically connected. I'd go into more detail, but that would prompt another huge reply. =op

If she asked you to join a club she's in, I think that's a good indication that she likes you. Girls (let alone aspie girls) are usually shy about asking someone out, so asking something like that was pretty forward.

I say go to her club, and after it's over, when the two of you are alone, ask her if she'd like to grab dinner with you. If she says yes, go to dinner, and over dinner say something like "Look, I'm not very good with words, but I want you to know that I really like you, and I'd like it if we could do this again some time soon. How about [insert a day or time you're free]?"
If she can't come to dinner, then say all that then, but obviously change it to something like "I want you to know that I really like you, and I'd like it if we could go out for dinner or a movie or something some time."

Be straight forward, honest, and don't try any pickup lines. Girls think those are jokes, and she'll think you're either kidding or making fun of her lol. Just go for it, and if she says no, then tell her that it was worth a shot, and if she ever changes her mind she should let you know.
Even if you're not confident, faking confidence is the way to do. I've found that if I pretend I'm someone confident and smooth, it makes it easier to say what you want to say

Good luck!