Is shallowness more of an Aspie trait?

Post Reply New Topic

I don't like to think of myself as shallow when it comes to looks, but I must be moreso than I'd like. How important are looks to you to want to be in a relationship with someone? For me, I definitely need to be physically attracted. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I don't need someone who looks like a supermodel or even a model, I just need to find them attractive at some level. There have been numerous women I've seen that some people might not find attractive but I do and the reverse holds true as well.

The problem is that if I'm not attracted on some level, even if they have a great personality, lots of stuff in common, etc, I just can't make myself want to be around them. If I don't find them attractive, the thought of physical contact, like hugging sends chills down my spine. When it comes to thinking about relationships, it's like my brain has two positions, attracted or repulsed. I don't want it to be like that but can't help how I feel/think.

I've the same problem. I'm attracted to people mentally (platonically). When I fell in love, it was purely mental. When I met him I couldn't feel any electricity although we were so comfortable with each other.

Aspies can be interpersonally shallow(genetic trait). You have some problems with interaction so it is natural to see their looks. however aspies are more likely to be intellectually deep and for some, emotionally deep as their interpersonal skills are lacking. I still don't enjoy hugging but only my close friends I will hug.

Nah, Aspie's are not more shallow, they are just more honest about what they want.

I dont think that aspies tend to shallow or deep as a whole. As with many aspie things, there may be a bit of a black/white thing going on and you'd see more to both extremes, but there are shallow aspies and deep aspies, just as with the NT world. I personally dont have much importance on appearance (my current only physical requirement is that she doesn't weigh more than me - 300 lbs)

I don't know about aspies being shallow, but as an autie I myself have noticed I like a person's personality the most & am "physically attracted" to characteristics I've noticed are less likely to screw up my sensory system (gentle voice, low body fat (or at least lack of concentrated body fat in the legs, stomach or chest b/c for some reason it feels weird & I think it holds heat oddly... & dark eyes (eye contact is easier on me if a person has dark eyes rather than light blue)).

I don't think neurological condition has anything to do with shallowness.

Some aspies APPEAR non shallow because they just take what they can get. That doesn't mean they wouldn't take someone "hot" in a heartbeat.

I can be shallow in terms of "ideals" but in reality, I am not. I am physically attracted to someone, if I am mentally attracted to them and their personality and sense of self. The men I think are "hot" are about 3/10 on a regular persons scale half the time.

OP, the behavior you're describing is completely normal.

Women can often become attracted to someone they aren't initially physically attracted to (they become attracted to a man emotionally, and physical attraction can blossom from there). However, men don't typically work the same way. They do need to be physically attracted to a woman pretty much from the jump in order to make a relationship work. There's an old saying that always rings true to me: Women learn to be attracted to the men they love; Men learn to love the women they're attracted to.

I don't think that is always the case with men. They can learn to be attracted to someone if they love them.

Yeah, initial attraction usually helps, but isn't always the case.

I don't think it's shallow to care about looks to an extent. It just depends on how much of a priority you make it, and whether you're open to the other things that can make a person attractive. I agree that you can learn to be attracted to someone, too, if you're in love with the personality already. When you're with someone long term you come to appreciate the little things, like the way they move, the sound of their laughter, the looks in their eyes, etc.

Personally, I find beautiful women the most intimidating, and tend to be more drawn to people who are attractive in less conventional ways. Looks do matter to me, but they definitely don't need to be anything more than average if the personality is right, and if anything I'd be more comfortable with someone who didn't look like a model than someone who did.

For me, both looks and personality are a factor. They have to be attractive both looks wise and personality wise in my eyes before I will even consider a relationship with that person. If you consider that shallow, I would guess it's at least partially an AS thing. I've been told many times that I'm too picky.

I have to agree with hale on this one. I don't feel attracted to women until after i fall in love with them...

I am not sure if it's an Aspie trait.

However, that said, I do have preferences. For example, I need someone who likes to travel and is of the same religion. Also, I need someone on the same level sexually, but I don't know how to bring that up without people thinking I only care about getting laid. (The Simpsons/South Park criteria was a proxy so people wouldn't think that--based on what others have said, I assumed that people who like those shows have extremely high sex drives, like me, and would try oral and kink, and stuff like that). I also think I would do better with another Aspie because I have trouble with hints and social cues.

No.

Wow, I would've guessed aspies are less shallow, based on the ones I know...

You know I think its a bit silly that women are considered less shallow because they are attracted (on the primal level) to three things(Money,status/power, and looks) as opposed to one (again, primal level). When women are attracted to the first two more or less out of selfishness (or love of potential offspring, if you want to get evolutionary about it, which is a really a form of vanity). Not that it matters or anything.

The only thing that I think sticks out for me is that for aspies is that we tend to prefer those who share our interests more then NTs. In time I imagine we tend toward those who are patient/tolerant, since the asperger's attitude is pretty irritating for an NT.

So we're more specific then most, but not more shallow. Well, really depends on your definition of shallow. If it's pickyness, then I suppose so.

@Hale_Bopp and @Toad, just for clarity, I did say that "typically" men are attracted first, and emotional attachment/investment follows. Absolutely, there are men who behave differently.

@Darkword, I'm going to take you to task for stereotyping. I guess I missed the chapter in the "How to be a Woman" handbook that says women are supposed to be attracted to men based on money, power, and looks. The most important attributes I look for in a man are intelligence, sense of humor, and character (as in being a nice, honest, decent guy). I've fallen for all different physical types of men, men who do lots of different kinds of work. I don't think I've ever fallen for someone who would be described as "powerful" in the conventional sense of the word (but that word conjures up images of rainmakers and guys in dimly lit back rooms making some kind of big deals). My definition of a man who is truly powerful is someone who is unafraid to face their own problems, and to ask himself what he can do to be a better partner. A man who has that kind of power would have me at "hello."