NT / AS HELP PLEASE

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I need help..my b/f live in spouse has not yet been diagnosed, but we both strongly feel that he has aspergers..theres really no doubt as someone pointed out his behaviours as such, and then after looking up the info, there I seen him..all of his actions, strange behaviours etc..I have no doubt he is AS, and he also agrees, also explains his whole family as well..it was actually relief to find out what was going on..( which a only 3mths ago, and at the time it saved our realtionship as i had enuf) after almost 3years with him, I love him with all my heart..but its sooo hard at times. This was our weekend issue..

We have three computers and a blended family of 5kids( his only part- time weekends & holidays) . When we have all the kids, well the compuers are pretty busy. My b/f with had decided to gut out a storage closet in our den & create yet another computer room for his "hobbies" so to ensure he still has access for his own "hobbies" as he calls them..I call it obsessions..

When we first bought our house 7mths ago, he spent three weeks in this den area of the house( walkout ground level bsmt basically) and barely came up to spend a minute with the family..we fought & fought about this & finally three weeks later he basically decided to come upstairs.
We nearly split up over his obessions with the den area & the computer parts that were in there, we hadnt even had internet at that point....We even discussed trying to resell the house in less then 3ths after we moved in over his obsession with his computers..as its not only surfing the net, but takin them apart , putting them together..loading , unloading..everything about computers is his interest.....

If only his passion for our family was so passionate..wed be so happy.

So he knows this computer thing is a sore spot as we have had so many fights about his time on them....a few mths ago when it all came to ahead, he told me he would cut back..he did..he does still use the computer everyday, but he has cut back on it.
For nearly a year after we began living togther he spent ALL of his time in front of that thing, barely ever spending a minute with me or my kids..when when his kids were there, computer is all he seen..it was frustrating for all of us....

So finally after 7mths in the new house things are more managable with regards to this computer thing..Then this weekend came & I feel we are almost back to square one.. fighting again over how we re NOT putting a computer in the den, and how he totally disregarding our previous fight about how I was AGAINST this whole computer in our storage closet idea,.. .he didnt even discuss it with me, he just did it..

Of coarse I got mad, we a had a fight, and again he doesnt see what the problem is..why it is im " over reacting" again. I told him in no way do I want another computer down there( we have 3... did I say, one lap top, one connected to our 42 " TV, and another desktop in our living room..) and Im so tired of fightin for his time over what he calls his hobby.

I now know aspies need space etc..but I feel like he is continuely creating a space that is more comfortable for him to have a separate lie & a separate apt from me & our kids, opposed to just being about his "hobby" with computers.

When he goes into "shutdown/ ignore me mode, he can spend days in there..I dont want him to be happier about it by having a computer in the closet there as well.,.as mean as that sounds..I jjust want him to resolve whatever issue it is & get on with life..

I feel like Im contantly fighin to have a regular life, and he is contstantly striving to have this alone life..I dont know what to do anymore, I do know now he is not NT...but my NT brain feels so emotionally abused with his shut downs and ignoring me whenever he doesnt like something he cant get his own way on..
I feel so frustrated . I need some advise, please..

Im just afraid I will lose him, and us..I am with him because I love him, i dont plan to have a relationship with someone that instead has a need for his own apt inside our house where he can go ignore me..is this inevidabale??? I know about AS shutdown mode, but why is it he can function on auto pilot for work etc, while still igoring me..How do i learn to deal with this ..I feel so angry each time he withdraws & doesnt speak to me..HELP PLEASE!

OP, you and your bf need to get into couples counseling - like, yesterday. You also both need to educate yourselves about Asperger's - again, yesterday. There's a lot more to it than needing space, special interests, etc. - and you both need to understand those issues so you can understand their impact on your relationship.

Based on your post, it appears as though computers are your bf's special interest, and it's important that he have time to pursue that interest. However (and this is where the counseling comes in), you two need to come to a mutual agreement about how much time he can spend pursuing his special interest. You both need to figure out if he values his role/participation in family life enough to make the compromises necessary to make your relationship succeed, and your home a happy place. And successful relationships do require compromise - not all people (AS or NT) - are willing to make those compromises. You need to understand if your bf is willing to or not.

I also suggest you get yourself into therapy, because you seem desperate to hang on to a relationship that you've described as being fairly short-term, and pretty much unhappy. You two fight all the time (not good for your kids, btw), you feel neglected, abused, abandoned, etc. He's not giving you what you need to be happy in the relationship (not that I think you're asking for anything unreasonable), but you say you love him - not the response I'd expect. Would you love a friend who treated you the same way? I doubt it. So....I think you need to figure out why a guy who is treating you the way he does inspires this level of loyalty and emotional commitment in you.

Try to remember that it takes two people to make a relationship work. Aspie/NT, NT/NT, Aspie/Aspie - it doesn't matter. You both have to be willing to do the work. Good luck, hon.

Thanks. you are correct, maybe I am desperate to hang on to something that I feel at best he can take or leave - biggest issue with this is, when we are not having a issue, he offers the best relationship & love I've ever had. Maybe thats 75-80% of the time I would say, the nehgatove only 20-25% if the time. I do love him for the sweet man he is, the devotion he offers me most times, and the company he at times offers. however when he is stressed out, or not understanding something im upset about, he withdraws & often goes into what Ive read as shut down mode, no communication is possible then, sometimes he is almost canatonic in a fetal position with a blanet over his head pinched at his chin.

He has an almost IMPOSSIBLE time ever seeing mine or anyones my point of view other then his own, which i believe causes him to feel resentent towards me at times. He feels a conversation is done when he walks away, then ignores me till I cool down..or so he says. I feel he is just ignoring me.

We have been in councilling for over a year, but our counciller usualy has a tuff time getting him to communicate as well, when he is upset , he just likes to pull away, at times it has been for more then a week or two ( when we were dating) but then when he feels better, we are back to the loving relationship & its again amazing...till next time..maybe a mth later- 2mths..perhaps 2 weeks..i never really know..

The cost of a diagnosis is 2000. and not in the budget right now, also no support groups around my area either. Also for councilling familiar with AS/NT relationship, also not around my area.

I feel the love from him "most" of the time, but I its just scripting as Ive read about from another AS site..I also fear he is setting himself up for a separate life down the road, one of solitude as his mother has done....I feel like im going crazy at times. It would be easier if it was always bad, but the good still outweights the bad & that is what I use a a guide to my happiness. my kids love him & he has a sweet spirit, one of the things that attracted me to him. I can deal with all his other things like telling him by day 3 he should shower, or asking him not to sleep in bed with all his cloths on, wearing the same cloths for days on end and only changing them when I point put its been a few days.. never remebering to pay bills, and forgetting every appt, bday, holiday we have..i can deal with all this, but I cant deal with being ignored..and I suppose Im afraid none of this is real & I will one day awaken to a b/f that lives in the den & only knocks on my door for a booty call..thats my fear..my love is sincere, and he tells me this is what he wants, and that he IS trying.....I do love him & when we are good, I know he loves me back the same...I can feel it..its the in between thats hard..i cant seem to get through & he is so use to this behaviour of withdrawing that i dont know how the future will pan out if this keeps tearing me down.

OP, you don't need an official diagnosis in order to accept that your bf has ASD. (I'm not saying there isn't value in having an official diagnosis, just that a diagnosis doesn't bar you from dealing with the impact on your relationship.) Again, you and he have to understand a lot more about Asperger's in order to understand it's impact on your relationship. Here's a few links to start with:

http://www.aspergercounseling.com/executive2.html

http://www.sacramentoasis.com/docs/8-22 ... ficits.pdf

You'll notice these links address (among other things) Executive Function as it relates to Asperger's - it would probably be a good idea to get to know that aspect of ASD.

As far as your counseling goes, have you discussed alternate means of communicating? Maybe your bf has difficulty communicating vebally, in "real time" - particularly when he's stressed. If that's the case, I can see why your counselor would have trouble getting him to talk in therapy. So as an alternative, maybe you two - with the help of your counselor - need to plan your therapy sessions better. Figure out what you want to talk about the week before, and then ask your bf to write down his thoughts on the subject (for presentation during counseling)? At least you'd have a better understanding of what's on his mind.

Also keep in mind that, like it or don't, part of your role in the relationship is that of mentor. Your bf needs to understand what is expected of a man in a relationship, and you (and your counselor) have to help him with that. It would be great if he accepted that, because open and honest communication about what is understood, not understood, etc. is the best way to teach/learn. It's also a lot easier to let go of inaccurate or incorrect beliefs if you're willing to admit to misunderstandings, rather than clinging to them due to embarrassment or stubbornness.

It would be great if your bf was able to accept that there are boundaries to his behavior that he needs to adhere to....like showering every day, or changing clothes daily, or spending x amount of time on the computer. Let's face it - there are just some things that we all do, regardless of whether we accept the relevance of the activity on an emotional level. Maintaining basic hygiene is one of them, returning a greeting, making trade-offs in order to keep our SO happy.....we don't always have to feel something - sometimes we just act.

And although I imagine this is something you don't want to hear, keep in mind that it is possible that you two want very different things from a family, and an intimate relationship. If that's the case, it's better to find that out sooner than later, don't you think? I'm not telling you to give up, just that I hope you are open to this possibility. Good luck, hon.

[quote="catsmeow41"][quote="HopeGrows"] because you seem desperate to hang on to a relationship that you've described as being fairly short-term, and pretty much unhappy. You two fight all the time (not good for your kids, btw), you feel neglected, abused, abandoned, etc. {quote]


Also I wish to point ot we have been together 3yrs, not really what Id call short term, his AS only came to light about 3ths ago, and we fight all the time about his one obession..the computer..

Thanks ,..sorry I was feeling all judged for a minute there. This AS man of mine is a 3yrs old relationship , yet AS newbie for both of us, I have no doubt both his boys are AS as well, but his ex will hear none of it, she says they are perfect..

I've had my struggles in life, but I do know what I want, and I do strongly guide him. His past is one of a very abormal relationships with his ex & AS mother( who was controlling & abusive physcially) that followed by an ex with Fetal Alcohol Syn./ & personaility disorders, well has made my guy a whole bathtub full of issues.

Perhaps I am the one becoming resentful as he gives & then takes his love away almost on command, I cant do that..I just love all the time. He says its not like that, but it is how he treats me when he is in "shutdown" mode that makes me feel this way...Ive done my best to try & understand. Thanks for the links. I have still so much to learn.

I dont want to give up on him because he has a disability, my sister is disabled in another way, and I would not toss her away either.. his soul of souls is very sweet..

I just feel like I need more tools for myself to get through, as it is taking its toll on me, his behaviours that is..I am so worn down & feel so much like his mother at times it makes me so angry.

Ive talked about the same issues so many times..if a person with AS can in fact do what is necessary to make the relationship balanced for both, even in acts alone, then thee is hope for us..if its just his personality and he cant see any reason to make any changes, then maybe there is none. im still trying to mash out what one is from the other..
Thanks again