5 Important Languages Of Apology To Help Relationships Grow

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Hi there, hurting your partner without knowing the right way to apologize may prevent you from having a stronger and trusted relationship. Here are some tips from Jeff Helton, a relationship expert, on how to apologize to your partner the right way;
(1) Express regret by saying you are sorry
(2) Ask her or him to forgive you
(3) Let him or her tell you what to do to correct that
(4) Accept responsibility by saying you are wrong
(5) Tell him or her that you will not do it again

It's always better to OVERDO apologies. It was a horrible mistake. I can't believe how unintelligent that was. You must be really disappointed in me. You have every right to be angry. I don't know how someone could act less intelligent than I did. I wouldn't blame you if you dumped me for that… Basically groveling on knees, MUCH self-deprecation, practically begging for forgiveness and another chance. Blow up whatever it was to be much worse than you think it really is. Don't stop until the other person says, "Hey, now, it wasn't THAT bad. Of course I forgive you. Can we please move on?"

What you have to watch out for are people who thrive on this kind of thing. They'll suck you dry and you'll start to wonder why you're apologizing. At a certain point they might say, "If you do that again, I'm leaving you." Just my opinion, but I'd let one good week go by before I end the relationship myself.

The other thing you have to watch out for is when you apologize in this way, some people will view that as manipulative. So make sure when you apologize profusely, you're not doing it purely for the sake of coercing someone into doing what you want them to do. If you're being authentic in your apology and someone doesn't know how to accept said apology, it's time to put on your walking boots.

What if it's something you think you might do again accidentally or unintentionally? If you slip up they might accuse you of lying when you apologized last time.

It's always best to apologize when you hurt your spouse and also when you are continuing to argue and you see you are not going to win. You can be right or you can be married, but you can't always be both. Thats true for both husbands and wives. Know when to throw in the towel and give up with a fight because if you don't, you'll be throwing in the towel on the relationship before long. Nobody likes somebody who always has to be right, even if you love them.

ogden nash said it best- "To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up."

Is it considered "verbal abuse" to keep making a less-intelligent S.O. look stupid during arguments?

it would seem that way.

^^^
That's probably how physical-abuse often first starts as well; the dumber member of the relationship gets fed-up with losing arguments all the time.

It depends on whether or not you are doing it about the topic and to win your point or if you are doing it to just be mean. In an argument, all bets are off and people get heated. You do things you wouldn't normally do, so hurting the others feelings, in an argument, is fairly normal practice. You just don't hurt them too bad because you know you have to apologize later and you also want them to accept your apology cause you know you'll feel different when you aren't mad.

When my husband and I argue, it gets brutal. That is ok for us though because we can both take it and will keep going until the other one (him usually, I'm better at this and have more endurance and I'm smarter about quite a few things than him, but I would never call him stupid). He's called me stupid and a dumbass in arguments before but that's ok. He knows I'm smarter and I'd never do that to him because while he's not stupid or a dumbass he is less intelligent than I am about whatever we are arguing about. I only argue when I know I'm right and if it's a topic he knows a lot about I go with what he thinks on it. So, the less intelligent partner can CALL the other one stupid and dumbass, but the more intelligent partner and twist things around and PROVE that it's really the opposite that is true. That way nobody's feelings are hurt very badly, because he can't get mad at me if I get him tied in a verbal logical knot to prove my point. It's his own fault cause I'll give him enough rope to hang himself. I also can't get mad if he calls me a name I know he doesn't mean and he knows isn't true. He's just trying to yell something and he can't yell something about something I'm sensitive about. The only true thing he can call me when angry is a b***h and thats fine because everybody knows thats true and I'd rather be a b***h than a doormat like I used to be.

So, it really depends on how it's done. Engaging in an argument means risking having your feelings hurt. If you can't do that then walk away before it gets that far. Come back later and talk again when you are both calm. Is that the only time he does that, cause that could be "heat of the moment" and forgivable but if not then I wouldn't be with somebody who thought I was stupid or who tried to make me look it. Never. Ever. Even if I was with a genius rocket brain surgeon scientist Nobel winner lol. One person is always smarter than the other about some things and the other about different things. Always. If that isn't believed and acknowledged by both parties then it's an unequal relationship and somebody is being used.

I hate arguments, being a hermit is preferable to all that stuff.

I don't mind them usually and sometimes even enjoy them. I always love debate. I have one good friend who is a very, VERY fundamentalist preacher. He's hardline on everything except drinking, which he does in secret or with friends who don't go to his church. He also got stoned with my husband at our Christmas party after my husband and oldest son invited him to and he said he hadn't done that in 40 years (he's in his mid 60s) and smoked a bowl with them in the bedroom and had a blast. He's still officially against it and preaches against it. He's against booze in the pulpit too, because they want him to be he says, and he would like to tell them differently but they will get mad and get another preacher, so he doesn't. He's also against Pagans, Muslims, any other religion too, and Catholics because he says they make things up and are the whore of Babylon. However, he's a good friend, I love him to death. He is against concepts and ideas but not people. He's also against gays and gay marriage in concept and in the pulpit but he's friends with a couple fo gay kids his daughter is friends with. He's nice, and actually friendly and likes those who he's "against" and isn't putting on a show, he means it. Well, now that you have Brother Gregg's background, let me tell you how me and him love to talk.

He comes over sometimes and I've gone over there to clean up and help him cause he's a widower and not in good health and has a three story house. He's also a brittle diabetic. Nobody helps him and he doesn't have the money to hire anybody so me or a couple of others go take care of his place every so often. We also talk to him. he comes by here to see me sometimes to discuss current events or some topic that came up or other. He wants my input because I can explain it to him and lots can't. Then we debate it, then we argue it, sometimes we yell. Sometimes we say the other one is being a bad name, but never say they ARE a bad name. We get down and dirty and it gets good, and every single time it ends the same with one of us saying "Oh well, we aren't going to change each others mind and I'm tired so did you hear about....." and it's fine. I enjoy it because I like the debate and how it makes me think and he's good about explaining his reasons in detail and actually answering my questions and not blowing them off like a lot of people do. I've won the debate many times because I've gotten him pinned and he can't answer and has to admit it's not logical and he's won other times for the same reason. That doesn't mean either of us changed our opinion because we are both fine with having an opinion that isn't logical and admitting it. But I love debating with him and talking to him. He's the polar opposite of me on almost every subject except Alabama football and dogs, so we agree about the important things. Oh, and what type of whiskey is best. He enjoys it as much as I do and we both learn something about the other and the other side every time. I wish everybody on each side could be the way we are with each other.

Contrast that to a neighbor I had in Bham. A guy my age, so very nice and went out of his way not to offend anybody but the most liberal person I had ever met. He would come up with s**t that made me think he was nuts. Everything was some kind of ism, we shouldn't have any kind of free trade society, religion should be abolished, etc. We agreed on abortion and that racism was wrong and that homophobia was wrong. Back then nobody thought of gay marriage. When he would talk to me and debate the things we disagreed on, which were almost as much as Bro Gregg and I have, he would get pissy. He wouldn't yell because he was too much of a "nice guy" to do that, nor name call but you could see he wanted to. He just got mean though. mean and nasty without trying to show it. His little feelings were hurt and you could tell that too, cause I'm me and while I didnt yell or name call either cause he was my friends husband and it would upset him and that would upset her, I wasn't all that nice either and could twist him up so bad that he couldn't even admit he was cornered, like I did the two times he cornered me, but he would stomp out and say there was no use in trying to teach or help people like me. This doesnt mean that uberconservatives are nicer than borderline communists, this means one particular guy was better at this than the other. He was that way about everything though, really. He was the only guy I've ever met who I suspected had periods and had one all the time. He was like THAT. About EVERYTHING. I still enjoyed it though.

My youngest daughter tried the debate at school. It did not work. It was a few years ago, she's 18 now. She didn't do much research like she should have and the other kid did. He got up and said a bunch of stuff and when it was her turn she had no REAL answers for it. She thought because she's good at arguing and debate with people in casual circumstances she would be good at the real thing. She stood there for a minute then looked at the guy and said "f**k you. Your Mama's a whore" and left and took the one day suspension. The boys mother was a whore though and everybody knew it. She still shouldn't have said it. But it was funny and I had to use all my strength to not laugh when I found out why she was suspended. I punished her though. Later on, months later, I told her I secretly loved that and wished I didn't have to punish her but it was mean so I was right to punish her for being mean and bringing up that whore thing. If she had stopped at "f**k you" I probably wouldn't have done anything. I don't think I could do that kind of debate either. I'd get too mad at the rules, like she did.

You are such a nice guy though that I think you would do find in a discussion and disagreement. We have had them, and while I've never gotten heated or ugly with you, because you are too nice to and you don't do it first and nice people have to throw the first verbal punch with me, but I've kept on and on about something and probably annoyed the s**t out of you. You were still nice about it, and unlike many people you can agree to disagree and it doesn't effect your friendship with the person. I like that you can do that. I think that ability goes a long way to make up for your lack of willingness to argue and get in the mud about things. It causes people to respect you. You don't take crap in an argument and you will state your case and hold on to it over and over no matter what, and lots won't do that. Many people, many, many people will eventually agree with me just to shut me up, but you never did that. I respect that about you too. You don't always have to argue to win, sometimes you win by letting it be a draw. And when arguing with someone you care about and want to keep in your life, sometimes you can win by losing. I'd be willing to bet cash money that you know that and put that into practice when you have to. It's very hard for me to do that, but I do it sometimes.

All those 5 points seems totally alien to me. This is NT-stuff only, and has no relevance for neurodiverse relationships.

As for me, I'm not interested in apologies, and I don't want to hear anybody saying they won't do something again. I'm only interested in if they do it again, which is the proof of the issue.

Also, for many neurodiverse people, it's worthless to require anything during a fight, as none of the involved people will listen to reason anyway. If it gets too bad, I'll leave instead, and let them cool down. Then the "apology" is a hug, not words. In fact, the neurodiverse "apology" is always a hug.

I don't think marriage is the place for debating and "winning arguments." My wife and I do have our differences, of course. We schedule a time every week when we actually do sit down and hash out household/marriage issues. But these discussions aren't about who wins/loses. It's about finding consensus between the two of us. We've agreed that if there's a serious issue we CANNOT reach a consensus on, then my decision will be the final one. It's a simple math problem: If you approach everything 50/50 and there are only 2 of you, how do you break a tie? My approach is almost always to defer to greater intelligence--hers. But being smart doesn't always amount to taking the correct stand on principle. So if it REALLY IS all that earth shattering, it's my hammer to drop. For everything else, we talk it out, pick it apart TOGETHER.

When we debate stuff, it's not about who is RIGHT. It's about exploring the problem and both of us understanding both sides. I don't get to tell her she's wrong. She doesn't get to tell me I'm wrong. We don't get the luxury of getting all emotional over one person getting his or her way over the other. We look at how we can approach something and BOTH of us get our way without compromise, i.e. giving up anything. I guarantee if you look at relational issues with the integrity of the relationship first and foremost in mind, and with the other person second, and you BOTH are active in seeking the best welfare for the relationship as a single unit and for the other person, there's not a single difference you can possibly have you cannot resolve and be forced to give up something you want in order to resolve it.

For example: Let's say we want to go on vacation together. She wants to go to the beach, I want to go to the mountains. I don't want to go to the beach, she doesn't want to go to the mountains. So we compromise--we'll just spend a weekend rubbernecking in New York City. Except…I don't want to go to NYC, and she doesn't either…but now we have to both give up going to the beach or to the mountains and both be equally miserable in New York.

No, if that were the case, we'd have a conversation like this--Me: I don't want to go to the beach. I sunburn too easy. Her: I don't want to go to the mountains. Too many wild animals. Me: Well, if we just rent a cabin for one night, do a short hike later in the morning, and come back, is that something you could handle? Her: Sure. And if it's just for one night/day, why can't we go either on the way to or from the beach? We can rent an umbrella and chairs, wear sunscreen/long sleeves/hat and that way you won't get sunburned. We'd only be there 4, maybe 5 hours at most. Will that work? Me: Sure.

Right/wrong in a relational debate really can't exist if there's a strong relationship to begin with. I/you has to disappear, as cliche as it sounds. You either act together or you don't act.

I hate the whole happy/right or married/right dichotomy. People get together because they love that person for who they are, not what they think they can turn that person into. My wife was perfect the way she was the day we met. My wife figured out early on in our dating years I was never going to change. By not standing firm and focusing on the happiness of a partner, you sacrifice the person your mate married for what you think he or she would rather you be. Once you change that dynamic by staying in outward agreement in spite of your own feelings or preferences, your mate WILL NOT STOP trying to mold you into something you're not. And the more you allow your mate to drive the relationship, the more dissatisfied he or she will be with you. And the more you give in, the more beleaguered you're going to be when nothing is ever enough to keep him or her happy.

By constant insincere agreement, you put the full burden of carrying the relationship on the shoulders of your mate. By declaring that she's always right, you are being lazy, and she'll get sick of you in a hurry. You HAVE to pull together. And that's going to mean facing your disagreements and making decisions TOGETHER that you're really going to hate having to make. When you disagree on something, you come together over it to try to discover what about this disagreement you CAN find consensus on. Once you find that, then you move forward together. It won't always be pleasant. One or both of you might have to nurse a wounded ego. You're going to make compromises on your individual happiness. But those kinds of compromises while you hash out something important are only temporary. As long as you pull together, you'll both ultimately win TOGETHER.

In our marriage, I've had to put my foot firmly down in situations when my wife absolutely insisted we deal with problems a certain way. I believed without a single doubt that her ideas to resolve the problem were no more than a means of escaping consequences of mistakes we made together rather than facing the actual problem itself. I'm sure for a brief time she held a seething hatred for me because I wouldn't budge. Neither of us were happy during this time. But because of how we ultimately resolved the problem, we both had to admit that because one of us refused to allow this to happen and what we ultimately did instead really was the RIGHT thing to do, being right actually meant being married. Making the right decision, as tough as it was, helped keep our marriage strong even if we were unhappy for a short time. The integrity of our marriage FIRST, and the welfare of my wife right behind that, are much, MUCH more important than any amount of happiness. Persistence in doing what is right and a preference for consensus over compromise, paradoxically, has actually contributed to our happiness in our relationship and the strength of our marriage.

The key is deciding what kinds of things are really going to be that important that you'll stand on principle over and above your partner's happiness. Almost all of the time when these things come up, I really don't care. I mean, I have no preference. I'm like, "hey, sounds like you got it all worked out. I have no problem with it. Make it so." I really almost never have an opinion. And a lot of it is the kind of stuff even if I did have an opinion, it's NOT worth fighting over. Even my wife will tell you that she'll lose respect for me if she challenges me on something important and I cave. If it's really important to me, she'll go along with whatever decision I make. By now, she knows pretty much everything I'll say before she even asks, and that makes disagreement extremely rare. Another thing that helps is having a game plan together so when issues to come up, we already know how we'll respond. It's all made both of us easy to live with, it's kept us happy, it's kept us BOTH right, and it's kept us married.

I don't understand, are you saying your wife always wants you to win when you disagree? Why would she feel that way? I understand on things she feels less strongly about, but what about where she feels really strongly?

AngelRho, your marriage sounds great! Ya'll both have good heads on your shoulders. Congrats! I hope you teach some of the stuff in that post to couples at your church. Do ya'll have a couples peer counseling type group? Ya'll two would be good at it. That kind of explicit instruction is needed at the beginning, and middle many times and sometimes in the later years. Most people tell you to communicate and talk things out, compromise, etc. It's all vague and if you don't know exactly how, it turns into trying to win. It was like that with us for about the first 8 or 9 years. It's gotten a lot better since we hit our 50s though. The things we used to fight and worry about back then now seem so foolish. I wish I knew then what I knew now.

I also wish my marriage was more 50/50. It's 90/10 and it's on me. I'm not making that up to whine or make it sound worse either. He works and brings home the paycheck. He takes out the garbage, opens jars I can't, hangs things on the wall, fixes the things he knows how to, and does heavy lifting. Everything else, absolutely every thing else is up to me. I handle the money, the bills, the decisions, the conflicts both in the home and outside of it, I do it all. If you were to look at my life you would think we had a traditional 1950's type marriage. Me at home doing my housework in a nice dress so I look nice for my husband. Dinner from scratch on the table for him or bringing him a plate. I bring him tea or a beer. I wait on him after work, but that's because he's spent the day doing hard physical labor in this heat. I'm not as physically tired as him. He has come home and waited on me even after work when I've been sick, so he will gladly do it, and I think he deserves that after he works hard. I'd do it for anybody after working in this heat all day.

However, in those type marriages the husband gives the wife her grocery allowance and then he pays the bills and worries about the money. She takes care of the house and kids and him and he takes care of everything else. I'd kill to be able to have that. I wouldn't want it all the time, but I'd love to be able to give him some of this responsibility. Problem is he cannot handle money. He cannot talk to creditors or set up payments or keep them. He cannot handle conflicts because he dislikes confrontation (and he married me?). He looks, walks, talks and everything else like an alpha male but he's not when he's home. I have to wear the pants plus my crinoline and pumps. All the problems and decisions are mine. His parents never gave him responsibility and so when we tried to divide things up, he couldn't do much of anything. I tried to teach him but he just either can't or won't or I don't know. Every time we have tried we end up in huge debt and trouble. It's terrible. When he gets laid off he doesn't even go find work well. I call the contractors and tell them about him and set up appointments. I make him get up and go. If I didn't, he wouldn't, but he will go if I make him. He doesn't want to but knows he should so it's now also my job to make him go. Right now he's staying at the lake so he's going on his own, but when he's here it's up to me. It's not just up to me to wake him up, it's up to me to find out if he's really sick or just not wanting to go about every two weeks. He ends up going though and grumbling about it but is just fine.

We don't have a car right now and will be buying one soon. I have to do that too. I told him to buy it the last two times we got one and he got a dud both times. Not really his fault per se, but he has no clue how to buy a car. He can't manage the house, he cooks and will clean the kitchen and feed the dogs but that is the extent of his skills. Oh, he can wash clothes.

I'm not complaining about him at all. I like being in charge for the most part because I know things get done. I've also allowed him to be this way for 28 years so it's partly my fault. But I do wish my husband could do what you said you have had to do and sometimes put his foot down and actually be right about something and not try to do that over some harebrained idea he's got that will not work and he finally sees why after i explain in great detail to him, then says "oh well, it was an idea" and goes back to the tv while I'm pulling my hair out. I wish he knew what he was doing when it's not about electricity, college football or WWII. I'm so tired of being the boss.

But, thats what you call a first world problem I guess. However, I do think you should teach what you posted. If you have advice for me I'd love to hear it.

thank you OOM there is a line in the movie "wargames" that has stuck with me all these decades, it is "sometimes the only winning move is not to play the game."