First encounter with an Aspie

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Hi, I'm a complete NT. I have never met, as far as I have known, someone with AS.

A month ago from a dating site I was approached by "her". We emailed back and forth and for the first time I felt this connection just via the emails. I asked her out, which is out of character for me, and when we met she put the first move and took it to sex. I then received texts from her calling me term of endearments like we were a couple, which to me we are not. I tried calling her several times and it would go to voice mail, and then she would reply via text. I then asked her out on two different occasions which she would say yes, and when it came to the wire she would text me she couldn't make it. I don't understand that of her. I began to think she was married or partnered up.

Today I googled her and found her on a blog she created (verified via a picture) that she has AS. I am not understanding her actions and her not wanting to meet me again, yet acting like a couple via text and telling me that when ever i have time we can see each other.

Is she a waste of time? I thought she was a pathological liar but by reading here it seems like that is not a quality of a person with AS.

Thanks for those that made this site, those that share their stories and those that give their input.

Hello I understand your confusion. I may be able to provide just a little insight. I too am an NT and I also met an Aspie online. The difference is that I don't believe that at the time we met that he knew he has AS. The woman you met doesn't call you back because she finds talking on the phone extremely difficult. It is hard for her to process what you are saying without being able to see you and she probably has a difficult time knowing when it is her turn to speak. This is not uncommon for people with AS. She probably really does like you and would like to see you, but I believe she becomes extremely anxious right before your date and that's why she cancels on you. I would imagine that this is similar to a panic attack.

She sends the texts because that is what she is comfortable with and I believe she does in fact think of the two of you as a couple. And she indicates that she wants to see you because she really does want to see you and feels confident at that moment that she will be able to, but then when it is time to see you she just cannot.

If you care about her, and are interested in her then this relationship is going to require a lot of patience. You are lucky that she is aware that she has AS, that should make things easier. However, if you are not prepared to do the work that this is going to take then I truthfully advise you to end this relationship. I am in love with the person that I met; it has been over a year of behavior very similar to what you describe. For me...I can't imagine not having him in my life. But if I did not love him, it would be a different story. If you continue with this relationship, learn as much about AS as you can.

I'm Aspie. (G'day!). My suggestion is if she's a blogger get her to write what it is she's thinking/ feeling. It will be less stressful for her, she'll probably have a strong idea of the relationship (even if it doesn't appear very clear by her behaviour) and it will mean clarity for both of you, which will in turn mean less stress for her especially. If she doesn't have a clear idea and is 50/50 about you then it will give her an opportunity to express that too, in a way that is a lot less confrontational or stressful than a one to one. She may be embarrassed about her 'bad' behaviour (This is pretty common with women per se) so it'll give her a non-confronting avenue to 'fess up as it were.
How she writes will give you a better indication of how her mind is working, whether or not you will be compatible. She may be feeling awkward, or embarrassed, or she may well be a player. If she isn't interested in telling you what she's thinking it may indicate that the amount of energy she's willing to invest in you.
Give it a go...

@NTgrl, that makes a lot of sense now. Thank you for the clarification.

@Gruntre, thank you for the suggestion, I am going to try that.

I'm going in knowing a lot more then she will probably realize. I'm patient, so I will be willing to work on getting to know her and accepting her as she is.

she sounds shy! maybe she's ambivelant twords the whole meetup thingy. i know if someone wanted to meet me to be nice, i'd probably tell them i would then ditch them.

have you ever seen that bestie boys video for sabatoge?

lol.

First I think I should illustrate that most people on dating sites are hesitant to actually meet in person.

A person with AS is usually no different in that respect, and then the situation is compounded by the fact that most people with AS have great difficulty properly expressing themselves in person. The sheer thought of having to do this is enough to stress many with AS into hiding.

However, if you think she is worth your while, you might be so inclined to afford her a degree of patience and understanding.

If you would really like to meet her, you must first accept that she is not your typical woman on the surface, even if she is quite ordinary inside, and you will need to reassure her that any outward quarks, or social nervousness, are ok with you.

You can tell her you know she has AS and that you are ok with that.

Most people who take the time to form relationships with those with AS are not disappointed.

Nt_P007, just wanted to say (and no I'm not hitting on you ) That you seem like a pretty good catch if you go out of your way to learn this about a person you know so briefly. Not to mention... not freaked out enough by what people say here to actually post your story and questions. It's a lucky woman who you'll end up with.

It seems the sex might have put her off and she is apprehensive and afraid of being physical again and the only way she can feel safe is communicating through text. Just give it some time if you enjoy her conversation and maybe she can be more honest as to her interest in you.

Leave sex out of the equation for the first few dates/encounters - unless the other side is giving cues.