HFA: Very Bad Relationship Experience

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I am socially limited in my exposure with concern to interpersonal prospects. In my 29 years I've had two girl friends and those were initially quite unique to achieve. The first one I had to break up with and felt very poorly about it because the personalities were incompatible and she not of her own fault was requiring a great amount of emotional support I was not able to provide. She has since found someone else and both she and I from occasion exchange communication of the Facebook so I don't think I hurt her feelings to bad in the long run.

The second one was quite manipulative and abusive and so she went to jail many times and she was mentally ill 51/50. The only reason a relationship developed was she flirted constantly with me and in unavoidable ways that the guy instincts I have couldn't resist. However the abuse was so physical and with threats to kill me in my sleep professionals talked me into staying away from her and breaking up so she went to jail and is on probation now. So since that time about 10 months I have not desired a girl friend.

Now I am going to try something new. I am devising a strategy to meet with new ladies. I have two interest in life. Business and the typical male thoughts. Which is quite normal whereas business is productivity and males and females have similar kinds of thoughts like hippies in the 60's with love. Austin Powers Mojo!

My strategy is which others can add to with suggestions or utilize themselves is the online dating. Most online dating people I would think don't have as much potential relations access as what exist in the movies where people fall in love very easily and have dramatic sensualities. So my idea was posting personal ads about meeting at the movies my treat but no phone calls before hand and online chatting before hand is ok. That way if for some reason the personality of the person is not compatible or they are crazy, druggie, sexual deviant freak and or not as advertised I can remove the person from my life very easily. Also this is a good way of meeting new people without all the complex body language, guessing games and social discourse before hand in the grand attempt for potential procreation. That means the person wants to meet up and is already interested in relationships so there is no complex psychology to figure out.

"I'm just a normal guy who is dedicated to his career and would love to meet at the movies my treat. I'm a very nice person, intellectual, highly motivated and have emotional depth. That means I'll go to a chick flick without to much trouble but likely won't cry if when you do. The idea is to randomly meet up and if we want let's meet up again. No phone numbers to begin with, online chat is ok before hand and I don't really care if you are big boned or too skinny. I'm looking for someone that can add to my life with compatible personality and that I can communicate well with. I am not into drugs, excessive drinking beyond one or two beers every once in a while or some kind of strange deviant master and slave sexuality..

I'd like to find someone that can be open and honest about their feelings. I'm not psychic and well I like things simple and not complex. So good communication.

Let's see a movie. "

[u]What do you think might further this strategy?

First off I want to say I'm sorry for that abuse you put up with, no-one should have to.

I think it's a good idea in theory, but I think a lot of people will be reluctant about meeting up with someone randomly.
Most online exchange from my experience on dating sites is online only anyway, no phones involved, offering a date in your profile is a good idea to cut out small talk but I'm not sure it will work in the long run. Do you have a photo on your profile? People always ask for photos usually.

I don't think you should mention "a slave sexually" unless you are wanting hookups.

That sounds like a really good idea actually.
It's unique and fun, and cheap and noncommittal.

I wouldn't mention the or some kind of strange deviant master and slave sexuality.. part though, but I guess that doesn't fundamentally add to your strategy.

Last edited by Subotai on 03 Dec 2010, 10:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

In the actual ad experiment I posted an hour ago I made a comment based on the other deviant postings from others. So as to reflect on the other ads in that online area of local personal ads. In idea I'm trying to attract someone who is predictable and that means normal.

I find that by seeking to meet randomly at a neutral location it does not reveal where I live which is near the movie theaters they don't know I can't drive and a support worker does not show up with me during hours they are only available. Also I don't have to resort to asking for them to pick me up. So the strategy must insight some kind of interest of my being open minded when many people are insecure, seeking personality and not focusing on looks which is traditionally respectable and otherwise establishing privacy. If I was to give my phone number out and a girl really really liked me and I didn't feel like it is compatible then I would have to hurt there feelings.

There are things I like about your approach, too. But my concern is that maybe the ladies in question would be a little leary of a first date in a dark theater? Clearly it's a public place, but that's kind of the first thing that came to mind.

I don't know if you've disclosed your diagnosis at all in your profile, or when you were thinking that might happen? My concern is that you do have needs that strictly NT guys don't. (Which is not to say that you also don't have positive qualities that NT guys don't have - I'm sure you do.) But do you want to court women who are not prepared to accommodate your needs? You might be opening yourself up for some real heartache....but then again, you might meet a very nice lady. I guess I'm conflicted between liking the originality of your approach, and being worried that you'll attract women who are not willing to give an HFA man a chance.

Ok so the strategy already worked with one seemingly psychologically typical person wanting to chat online.

"I have everything except that special someone to share it with. Hi...could it be you? I just happen to enjoy movies. Some films I love are Adaptation & Salaire de la peur, Le. My last boyfriend told me I am humorous...and can laugh at myself. I am a foodie therefore it bugs me when people say they don't like a certain food before they try it, and refuse to eat it. Your reply is welcome. "

And then another:

"Hey there, Are you still searching? I am looking for some highly discreet sex."

The second person likely has some sort of psychological problem, infectious disease or is a scam.

Well, I hate to be negative, but if you overthink this, then it's probably going to fail. Maybe you will get a date or two off of it, but overthinking things rarely works in the long run.

If I say I have autism that might make them feel weird to contact me. Also it might attract someone seeking to perhaps take advantage but that might be unlikely. I think if someone is genuine then as time goes on and they figure these things out they will either break up or accept it. I won't feel rejected. I have a very high confidence.

I am aware of a few thoughts that might reflect your context.

1. Over thinking creates anxiety, overwhelmed and or a loss of attempt. Self--judging and without experimentation figuring it to be to complex or potential failure so why bother.

2. The emotional self is the dynamic self functioning with the core and fundamental instinct ie sexuality and preservation. Most humans, the ones that are normal have common desires and common emotional attributes like self-image (self-esteem). In idea the strategy is to think about what is common such as self-esteem in others and then to just do it and see what happens.

And I'm afraid to experiment on dating, this being a HUGE reason. I just think God or Darwin made people with an ASD cold, emotionless, insensitive to empathy, and devoid of any positive, personable/"humanized" behavior. It's just the way our brains work with logic over emotions that ultimately gives us difficulties with any kind of relationship - we're like a walking computer. No one wants to date a emotionless/empathophobic machine.

I don't believe this to be true. While superficial people do exist, especially in the marketing and movie world, the idea of the perfect mind and body is rarely achieved. Despite common programming in society by means of mass media and any of the macro-influences and relating social pathologies with their trickle down effect to the absorbing minds many ladies are nice. This idea of the stereotypical social clique of the high school crowds for instance of all the good looking girls hanging out with one another putting down the other girls and rejecting the nerds goes away sporadicly on into college and in society as it emotionally matures to beyond that of atypical superiority based preservation complexes found in younger folks. Therefore your defeating yourself without experimentations that simply do not compute. I once imagined I was a computer when I was younger as well and that was my familiarly and people to me were just nuts.

Well, relationships pretty much present challenges to everyone, regardless of neural status. That statement is not intended to minimize the impact of ASD on relationships, but to point out that relationships are really about the people involved. If you have two people who want to work things out, or who are open to a different kind of happiness, and may be willing to grow and change together (Aspies can grow and change), your relationship will have a much better chance at succeeding. That's not really about NT or Aspie, but about commitment, patience, trust, etc. I'd agree that no one wants to data an emotionless machine, but I suspect you're selling yourself short with that description.

I've let the true aspie me show many, many times and I killed off potential friendships and turned off many people. It's gotten somewhat better as I got older but I'm still afraid to approach women and initiate dialogue with them. I'm working on the social part as much as I can. I'm still under my parent's roof and unemployed to focus on school - as soon as I move out and get a job, I'll start pursuing dating but I'm afraid of rejection and failure - even though I believe experience is the best teacher.

Especially in this time during the recession ladies don't care if your living at home. I was on the housing list for 5 years and just recently moved out. The first two girl friends didn't care.

The fact that your going to school means your better off then many other males. Like all people instinct is everything and the prospect of child baring means a potential mate is looking for security even if for self. Thus if your going to school such as college your a more stable choice.

It seems the psychosocial formula I put together worked. Here is the 4th response in just under 2 hours.

"Hi Looking around, lotsa ad's, I have never posted, maybe I will in the future, just figured I'd send you a message, I don't know what it is that grabbed me about your adpost so don't ask. I have no real clue what I'm looking for, maybe just a decnt person, who knows untill they really find it I guess."

I don't think I'm ready on either the mental/emotional/financial level for kids nor do I desire them since I feel there's enough aspies/auties in the world and I don't want to contribute more towards them.

In all honesty though, I have no clue on where to start on relationships or dating - I'd rather be friends with someone first and see if the chemistry is there and if the true aspie in me doesn't scare her off. I've talked to many people recently about love - and there seems to be consensus that time and chemistry is on my side and I honestly think there is a woman out there is willing to accept me as a person and overlook my flaws. I just need to be out there socially but I find that somewhat difficult.

On the other hand, I feel I'm pressured to lose my virginity as soon as possible and date as soon as I can before I turn 30 and I know a few people who are my age getting married and I don't want become like a few people on this board who b***h and whine about not being able to get a girlfriend but I'm afraid I'll become like them. It's just so difficult to figure yourself out and marketing yourself to women. I know the bar scene doesn't work well for me as I lock up in those situations. And I just can't get myself to engage in small talk either.

And your original post is scary but aspies attract weird people as well. And I'd be scared if a truly creepy girl was one of my prospects.