[rant/panic attack] Whipping my Limerence...

Post Reply New Topic

... is like performing brain surgery on myself. tl;dr version: I'm 32 and have it bad for this 18 year old and asked her to come out to dinner with me on St. Patrick's Day and now I'm doing a bunch of hand wringing. If you'd like to give me more of your precious time you can read on for more details and perhaps enjoy some schadenfreude.

I think I commented (that's a lie, I know I commented but say "I think" to give people the impression I'm not always 100% sure I know what I'm talking about which I think "humanizes" me) that I'm prone to limerence in my "Aloha" getting to know you thread.

I got struck by the blue bolt shortly into this semester when I caught sight of a freckle-faced red-head in my Multicultural Ed class. At first I ignored her since I'm focused on school, then she happened to come to the bus stop at the same time I did and we spoke and the sound of her voice got me "thinking." Then I started to notice the invasive thoughts and examined the possibility of a relationship and all the things that could, would or do interfere like the significant age gap, her schedule, her boyfriend, my living arrangement. Then I started to feel that tightening in the chest when I thought of when I'd see her next and the fantasizing about what I'd say if I were to blah blah blah.

I know plenty of you are familiar with this kind of crushing so you know there are two cures: quitting cold turkey (avoidance) and confrontation (defining the relationship).

Avoidance was impractical, we see each other twice a week so I'm left with defining the relationship which necessitates her involvement. So this week I geared up for the "asking her out" part and totally choked twice. Asking a girl out has ever been a problem for me but it's ten times worse with LOs because I know a rejection will be accompanied by the crash. I've been able to "man up" and ask out girls I'm not lost to limerence over but I still have to work on it with LOs.

So I come home today and see the message from her on facebook (we've been conversing like that for about 10 days, about a message a day) I've known about the message since 8am, I haunt my email and facebook page waiting for them but only respond once a day so I don't seem like I'm insanely checking email every 20 minutes to see if one came. I see that she's commented on our talks as "delightful" and it suddenly occurrs to me that I will spend the next three years hanging on this girl's every word if I don't get over it. SO, I shoot back a message inviting her out on St. Patrick's Day. I rarely drink anymore (I use alcohol as joint lubrication should I want to dance) but there is a fantastic restaraunt I like to go to with women.

Now I sit with an elevated heart rate hoping she'll say yes dreading her saying no, and then dreading what will actually happen if she does say yes. I hate this sense of trepidation, i'm afraid of the shenanigans I'll pull to turn anything other than a flat no into a yes, the manipulative and leading questions I'll concoct, the fast talking jibber-jabber I'll use to spin the use of an excuse to not go into a desire to go followed by an eloquent argument why she shouldn't deny herself the pleasure of going just because X is an obstacle.

Grrr. I'm a bastard coated bastard with bastard filling sometimes.

Wait, did you say she has a boyfriend? Do you at least know relationship status? That could get you in trouble, especially if alcohol is involved.

no one will be drinking since she's underage and I'm not into it anymore, although a date where we're both arrested would be memorable.

As for a boyfriend, I know she has one but they're young and not engaged. I am fortunate enough to have a lot of experience with relationships long and short and in the end people will do what they want to do, whether that's feel good about not doing something out of concern for their partner or doing it and hiding it. If she thinks she'll have a good time with me I imagine she'll go even if it involves convincing herself or her boyfriend it's not a date, just dinner with a friend. If I have totally misread this whole thing (a distinct possibility) then she may just say no, which will suck but probably suck less over time than the pining away.

Because of the weird sort of obsessing I do over these things it's important I get a clear answer. If I accept "she's not dating me because she has a boyfriend" then that turns into "she secretly wants to be with me but can't because she's already involved." That just feeds the (forgive the term) psychosis. I'll need a "No, I want to be with him not you" or "I don't like you like that" kind of answer which will only come if I get to the heart of the matter, which is something I wouldn't mind doing at a bus stop but I think the other party might feel it's a little rude to bring up so personal a matter in such a place.

My Limerence, unlike whatever AS type symptoms I may have is the sort of thing that can't just be gussied up and trotted out into polite society, I need to cut off its head and burn the stump.

Edit: Crap. She said yes, with a difficult (for me) to decipher response: "Ahh! hmm.. sure why not (something about scheduling and asking for details)"
Does that read like sudden panic? Perhaps it's sarcasm?
I really wish I could obsess less about this stuff. Now I'm practically high (I've never been high but I've been sleep deprived and that gets pretty cool) and when that breaks I'll get the jitters. I'll grumble to myself (and online apparently) about the seeming lack of enthusiasm in her answer. I'll grind it down like a giant with a theif's bones but fail to make any bread (metaphor for wasted time and effort). Hopefully I can hijack my brain with some television or DCUO and then get some homework done.

I've been "single" about 4 months but this is the first time I've felt this out of sorts about the whole process in over 2 years. I think the worst part about the whole business is just how addictive the highs and lows can be. OMFG, I totally forgot how I dealt with extreme emotions before: time for push ups. I hate push ups so much that I can't think of anything but how much I hate them while I'm doing them, so I just do them when there's something I want to ignore for a little while. Sweet, glad I ranted about this on here. I wonder if it's bad that the last time I had an emotion strong enough to make me uncomfortable was so long ago I forgot my coping mechanism...

This is very normal, and I must say the feelings are very well described by yourself..takes me right back. As you get older those sort of crazy feelings diminish, well at least thats been my experience.

Thank god, I thought this would be a "manageable chronic life-time condition."

Memeticist, I'm confused.

You sig says you are 32 years old yet you are in school with her. You mention that she is not old enough to drink.

Don't you think you are a bit old for her and what the heck are you studying that you are still in college at the age of 32?

I was one of those irritating bastards that had a high aptitude for everything and zero motivation, I bounced in and out of colleges, into and back out of the military and finally found something I love to study and definitely want to do (teach). So I'm now a freshman in college (again).

As for the age gap, it has long been the privilege of intelligent and talented men to associate with women several years their junior. So no, I'm not too old for her. A relationship with a more experienced individual can be a crucible for the younger member, bringing out their best qualities.

Is 18 an ideal target for me personally? Not at all, I tried to ignore her because she's so young but Limerence is what it is.