Question for the one's dating/married

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To those who are in the spectrum and are dating/married:

What did you have to overcome to get to where you are?

How did you handle the sensory, emotional, and physical aspects required?

What did you have to tell your companion, and when did you inform him/her?

How did you feel when you finally got into a steady relationship?

These are a few of the questions pertaining to scenarios I've gone over in my head, and they just keep pointing to a life of solitude, but at the same time I keep having to fight it back. I know these kinds of questions have likely been asked over and over. I dont know whether to leave things to fate, if what happens happens, or bother to try. I know it's likely gotten to the point of solitude for me, but the urge for there to be some level of companionship is still a spike in my mind. Ultimately, I'm asking what you had to do in order to get over certain fears and issues in order to be with someone.

I'm married. I was married before my diagnosis. I'm high-functioning Aspergers. There's some other stuff in there but AS really paints the picture well enough. Since I didn't know when I was dating my husband that I had AS, I just continued to push myself to a social level that I knew was expected for "normal people". I had the desire to do it because I wanted to keep him interested in me. I liked him. But having a diagnosis hasn't changed my desire to push myself to meet expectations. I've only ever said to one person in my real life, "This is hard for me because I have Aspergers." and that was due to describing something very personal that would have required me revealing that I have AS.



I had to overcome every tendency to shrink into a corner, remain silent when I knew something should be said, and freak out when I felt overwhelmed. I had to think about things he wanted to hear me say and things he'd appreciate me doing. I had to plan it all out in my head and be prepared. I had to act like I was spontaneous and OMG was that the hardest thing ever!

But I had to be patient. I had to take the time to concentrate on who he was and let him learn who I was. That takes time and effort, especially while it's all still enjoyable and exciting.



Thankfully, he never took me anywhere that required loud noises. I said early on when we were just friends hanging out in a group of friends that I didn't like movie dates or anything like that because I prefer to focus on my date, I like being able to talk, joke around and have fun. Sitting there watching a big screen doesn't "wow" me for a date. I guess he was listening that early on because we only went to the movies once and it was a while into dating and we both really wanted to see this particular movie on the big screen. But, we did more quiet things like nice dinner dates with walking along the beach, or kayaking along the river, or camping and a theme park. All of it was pretty easy to digest.



I told him when I received my diagnosis, which was four years into our marriage and six years of being together. It was a great "a-ha" moment for him because suddenly all the puzzle pieces came into place. He was so happy. His wife really wasn't lazy and careless. Yay! I imagine that it's hard to live with someone who repeatedly fails to meet the basic expectations of how you prefer to live (and are willing to do the equal share of the work as long as they actually do their equal part) but they argue that they honestly forget. You love them so you want to believe them, meanwhile things are not going the way that she should. I guess I can understand his celebration that there was proof that I was telling the truth and that I agree with him on how we should live.

If I was playing the field again, I'd probably tell somebody when it seems appropriate. I don't see Aspergers are really impairing my life. Things are more difficult, yeah, but nobody could tell until they became dependent on me to do their laundry. At that point I might make a comment like, "Some days I really hate having Aspergers because I keep forgetting to finish this stupid load of laundry!" and then the guy would be all, "What did you say?" and I'd casually repeat that I have Aspergers, all in the context of NO BIG DEAL but that sometimes "little things" like difficulty remembering things can be a pain in my butt. Then he still sees that I take responsibility for stuff and I'm not lazy... I just forget sometimes because I have AS. I think that approach would work better than sitting him down for a serious talk and acting like I'm revealing a big thing about me.



I'm a relationship girl. I prefer being in a relationship and having somebody there. It's always been that way for me. I had a tendency to jump into bad relationships because I had such a desire to be in a relationship. It wasn't desperation... it was lack of self control and discretion. I think I only got the quality husband that I have because I broke off the previous relationship with the expectation and desire to be alone. I wasn't looking for another relationship. I was focusing on me and excited about what I could accomplish without some dead weight in my home, eating my food and being a slob. But I'm generally more relaxed in a relationship.



I've never had any fears of being in a relationship, to tell you the truth. Being alone and starting over are scarier to me.