Getting over an Affair

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It so happens my relationship of 3 years and a near marriage is over.

My life partner has happened to have an affair and has cheated on me. With the most likely situation being the other man is the father.

I am not sure how to react.

I think I was more upset before. But now I feel really numb. Its more complicated when it comes to her pregnancy.

Do I forgive?

Do I let it go?

I keep blaming myself.

If the kids not yours tell her to get lost. Raising a kid alone will teach her for being a slu*ty b***h.

If it is, I'm sorry you're in mess

Either way i'm sorry you feel like crap, anyone would.

I still don't understand such pathetic people like her.
Why freaking marry or go into a relationship if they will just cheat anyway? = /

Oh wow. Sorry man.

Those are really questions only you can answer.

Don't blame yourself. She wasn't trapped in a relationship with you, so she always had the option to do the decent thing and leave if she wasn't happy.

Also, remembering from your previous thread, she was also the one who wanted a baby. If you are still feeling more-than-ambiguous about that, perhaps this is the time to leave.

That is awful. I am really sorry to hear it.

I guess you will have to wait to know the paternity of the child, but her behavior (in the other thread) makes a little more sense.

You have some hard choices to make and I wish you the best with them. You should forgive. It will help you heal. Don't consider a reconciliation based on the pregnancy (if it's yours) unless you believe you can trust her.

So sorry.

Sorry to hear this Betrayal of trust is always very hard.

As far as forgiveness, only you can answer that. If you can forgive, I'd recommend it even if you don't stay with her, just because carrying anger and bitterness with you eats at you. If you can't forgive, I understand that too. A lot of us have trouble letting go of things that hurt us.

I wish you the best.

~Kate

Hm.

One thing to watch is that you still may not be getting the full story. Initial partial confessions are common and if it's not all out now, you'll just have a series of bombs going off over the coming weeks as more revelations are produced or dug out. That will make it very difficult to repair anything if that's what you choose to do.

I have some experience with chaotic women when I was younger and Ive both forgiven and not forgiven and tend to agree with those decisions today. I have known men who were cheated on and in one case he did not forgive and later regreted the choice (for a time), and in the other case also did not forgive and was fine with that choice. Both have since moved on with other women and probably don't think about it often.

i agree.
why not break up and then do it.
it just seems cruel.

I imagine it's a mixture of greed and insecurity

Oh my, you poor soul. I am so sorry. Leave her. Cheating is rarely a one-time thing.

You shouldn't stay together because she's pregnant and the child may be yours. You can be a perfectly wonderful father without being with the mother, if that should turn out to be the case.

Break it off, but try to remain civil. In the event that the child is yours, you'll want to have amicable communication.

Indeed.

There may be some harsh truths about to emerge that are going to probably sicken you to the core. Nasty business regardless of who did what.

Cheating sucks, infidelity is a horrible things, you are yet again in a fork in the road, your next steps depend upon your feelings, relationship, if you are still madly in love you could stay and try to work it out, if it hurts you too much and you are not in love anymore, get out an move on.

i suppose.
if thats the case, then anyone is better off away.
(for the greed part that is)

The way she explained it to me, she believed that cheating would make her love me more.

She told me that she was afraid of falling out of love with me. And thought if she wasn't around me, she'd miss me more.

Or some bullcrap like that.

At some point I couldn't handle it and felt like I was going to pass out. I was so angry, so frustrated, so betrayed, that I felt like I was going to lose it.

I still feel like I'm going to lose it. I feel like a little stick on the road ready to be snapped.

Yeah, it sounds like a bs answer.

When they are caught, or admit, their self-image takes a beating. All sorts of rationalizations will pop out, even crazy ones. That's partially the same reason why you often don't get the full story at first. Their self-image is only willing to take so much of a beating at one time.

Anything short of, "i was selfish and I screwed up" is just evasion.

/2 cents.

Let me remind everyone that Pandora_Box was having a thread earlier where he was under so much stress that he was entertaining the idea of aborting the pregnancy... when he wasn't the one who was pregnant. People can do, say and think really freaky stuff. We don't know why she cheated. Some people cheat because they're slime-balls. Other people may cheat because they're, for lack of a better term, temporarily insane. If she's carried on this affair all this while, she falls into the first category and should pursue a commitment with that man. If it was a fling, we have no way of knowing. These are details Pandora_Box hasn't shared.

We also don't know how he found out. Did he uncover evidence he couldn't ignore and she confessed during confrontation? Or did she sit him down and unburden her conscience with the truth? If she did the latter, we might consider that she may consciously or subconsciously want a break-up, too.

Pandora_Box has my heartfelt condolences because this really, really sucks. But I only know enough about this to give him my sympathies and hope that he can pick up these pieces and rebuild his life stronger. I don't know enough to judge his [former] fiancee.