Is it reasonable that my ex-boyfriend is mad at me?

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Hi there. This is a long post so I cut it up and numbered the "paragraphs."

1) Me ex boyfriend and I broke up months ago, and recently he contacted me and I asked if we could try to be friends. After a few e-mails I gave him my aim name so we could slowly start talking and he responds saying that he Googled my screen name and he's shocked at what he saw! It was a question that I had deleted on yahoo answers, and he looked at the cached version of it.

2) Now he's really mad at me and he's hurt (more like devastated??) and he doesn't want to talk to me again. By the way he has Asperger's and said emotions are really intense for him. He also said honesty is very important (it is), but it's hard being completely honest when the person explodes and constantly judges you.

3) When we were together he would always pry into my past. Now I know that the past can be important but he shoved my past into my face every single day and I never felt as the relationship was about us; it was always about the things I did in my past.

4) I liked my best [female] friend in a romantic way when I was in freakin' middle school and I lied to him and said I didn't, because he was being really judgmental and out of line going as far as to ask me if I had romantic feelings for my best female cousin (who is like a sister to me). None of this is really relevant to him...I am eighteen now, that happened in middle school, and when we were together I didn't think I could be bisexual.

5) But lo and behold I realized that we do not control who we fall in love with! So I asked this question on yahoo answers asking if I was bi because I don’t want to filter out a potential good match based on their gender (I think it’s unfair since we don’t choose whether we’re male or female when we’re born).

6) SO yeah he found the cached version and won't even talk to me saying I hurt him too much. He said he misses me, cares, and loves me, but I think if that was true he would at least try to salvage a friendship. I think he's my other half regardless of this whole mess.

Thank you guys! Any input would be helpful and I really appreciate you taking the time to read this. He's a good guy overall and I was really hoping we could at least be friends. I just don't know what to do anymore but it's worth the fight.

He sounds like a pansy if hes upset you asked on yahoo if you may be bi. Your past is none of his business unless you choose to tell him.

You need to tell him that if he wants any relationship with you that he is going to have to let go of the past. Aspies are distrustful by nature. It sounds like he caught you in a lie. You need to explain to him about white lies and what their purpose is for. Explain that you aren't an angel and that he will never find an angel anywhere else either. Tell him that a guy that loves you will not see your faults as clearly as he does. And if you are just friends, then your past is not his concern.

He is by no means a stable person or anyone you want to have a serious relationship. You were young and had strong feelings for someone whether male or female. I had feelings for my baseball coach at 11, that doesn't mean I'm messed up. He is insecure and using something from your past to belittle you and make you feel weak. A relationship is about loving and understanding. I think he needs time to figure out issues with himself. Try and be polite but don't take any of his abuse or manipulation.

Firstly it sounds like he is being very unreasonable and like he is not good bf material. Everyone has a past (people make mistakes also) and he needs to take this into consideration whether it's with you or anyone he meets in future.

At the same time have you asked yourself how you would feel if the situation was reversed. If your bf (or ex if you had split up from him) had answered a question which inadvertently implies they might be bi-sexual. You'd probably want to ask a lot of questions and be wondering what else your partner/ex-partner is/was keeping from you.

I'm not justifying his actions by any means but I can see where his insecurities come from.

sounds like you broke up for good reasons.

just be firm with him. you can say that "growing up" with bisexuality is confusing. as your friend, he can take it or leave it. but you don't need someone judging you so harshly. if he wants friendship then he should forgive you and move on.

elsewise, i'd leave him alone.

He sounds controlling and judgemental. Why would it bother him if you're bisexual, if you're not cheating on him? Surely if you are indeed bisexual, it just means you could have pointed out hot girls to each other (which sounds awesome). Does he have some *spit* religious objection to bisexuality?

hale_bopp - I told him that it's none of his business. I wasn't trying to be rude to him but he really took it the wrong way. Now I can understand that if you murdered someone in your then your partner should know, but this is harmless and it has nothing to do with him. Thanks for the reply

n4mwd - I told him in the past that nobody is perfect and he says that he doesn't expect perfection, but that seems very untrue judging by his actions. Thanks for the insight, and I really agree with the love thing.

curlyfry - I never really saw it this way (the part about him belitting me and making me feel weak), although I do recall feeling like I was always walking on eggshells. I really care about him but I guess this just can't continue. Thanks for your time and showing how you related to my situation when you were younger.

Daemonic-Jackal - Hmm I don't really understand the 2nd paragraph. When I was with him I didn't think I was bi. I had that crush on my best friend in middle school but I realized that a lot of teenagers or preteens go through that. I thought it was just a phase. When I started to get more exposed to the world I realized that sometimes people can't control who they fall in love with. So that's what led me to ask the question on yahoo. I'll try to get more info from him cause I really want to understand his perspective. Thank you.

Sedaka - We broke up for very good reasons (not just relating to this thread). It's gonna be hard to let go completely. But I guess it has to happen. Thanks for the reply.

KaiG - I don't know why it would bother him. I've never cheated on him (or anyone else). When we were together I planned on staying with him long term, and I could imagine a future with him. And surprise, he's an atheist so it puzzles me even more. Thank you.

He's an atheist and judging you for your sexuality!? Why, because being bi is a SIN?


Bottom line: Ex lover, says he wants to be a friend, but snoops into personal information and judges you for it. If he's just a friend, why is he checking up on you, and how could this information possibly 'hurt' him in any way? If he's just a 'friend', what does he care if you make out with a giraffe? Its no skin off his nose one way or the other. This person is not your friend, and is an immature, nosy, selfish ass to boot.

Of course, if you were to learn any lesson from this, it should probably be to stop revealing personal information that you wouldn't want someone holding against you, on the internet.

Willard has a point. If he feels this "shocked" and "hurt" about information related to your love-life, it's obvious he was interested in more than just friendship.

Of course, he may just get over it... If you can get him to realize that snooping into your life isn't making him any happier, and it certainly isn't making you happier, he might give you some space.

What a pathetic toolbox. The only question he should have asked is "Threesome on Saturday night?"

I would have been a bit pissed off that you'd lied about never having a crush on your friend. Honesty is vital to me in a relationship, and perhaps a better response would have been to tell him to stop asking and refuse to give an answer in the first place.

But you're not dating anymore. He has no right to pry or ask questions now that you've broken up. (you could argue he never did, but I do think it's important to be honest about the past when you're dating someone).

He sounds very controlling and like he still thinks you're 'his' property. I would block him and refuse to contact him again if I were you.

edit: I answered 'maybe' just because if I asked my bf something, I would hope he would tell me the truth, not a 'white lie'. Even if I found out after we broke up, I don't know if I would feel any less betrayed.

If he's asking questions that are probing, it's because he had trust issues. Lying to someone with trust issues just makes things worse. Perhaps if you explained things as you have to us you might salvage the friendship (if you want it) but it does sound like he still wants to be more than friends.

Last edited by Lene on 25 Jul 2010, 4:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Don't even joke about asking that, unless you're prepared for the other person to say "yes."

Trust me...

Ok I'll try explain it better. Lets say your ex bf claimed he wasn't bi-sexual then you read an answer to a question on a quiz where he implied he was. You'd probably feel pretty aggrieved that he hadn't been honest with you about that whilst you were in a relationship with him. Then you'd start wondering if the reasons he gave for breaking up with you were genuine. Then you start wondering what else he was hiding and eventually would come the snowball effect where you would start questioning everything about him. See what I am getting at? His mindset about you is likely to be similar to the example I have given here.

If I was in his position, I would certainly want to ask questions, although I certainly wouldn't have approached the matter the way he did. You are still better off without him.

I feel the same way. Honesty is extremely important to me & if I was in a relationship with someone; she would know all about my past. It sounds like the OP & him have a lot of issues & I think they are both better off without each other

If honestly is important he wouln't have been snooping around on you.

Snoopers are arse holes. He sounds like a hypocrite and manipulative. You seem better without him - there will be others.