More insight into why he does what he does please!

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I've read may times that it "takes a special person to be in a relationship with an aspie." As of late, I doubt that I am capable of continuing a relationship with my Aspie boyfriend. I know that everybody is unique, whether or not they are on the spectrum. I understand that certain "quirks" that Conor has are attributed to his AS. I can handle most of them and simply look at how wonderful he usually is. I am all about intention so it makes it a lot easier to know that he truly can not change certain ways he does things. Though it hurts a little bit, I accepted the fact that he'd rather not cuddle for longer than a few minutes. I know that he has had a lot of people let him down in his life and I truly wanted to be there for him, but the last month or so, he started saying downright rude things to me. I'd tell him upfront that those things were rude, or not to say certain things to me. Yet he'd continue saying such things.

We've been dating for 3 months now, and he has point blank to me he hates me. This came about because we would always debate about things, and I would usually find a way to one up him. I enjoy debates and the fact that he could challenge me mentally, drew me closer to him. Anyway, he started to feel that I was too smart and that he felt like I made him feel stupid.... he started to resent me for that, until the point where he said he hates me. To get around that, I stopped debating with him. That saddened me because I value casual debates about anything and everything because I feel both sides win because they have an opportunity to get a chance to learn about the other side's stance and what motivates them to take that stance......Then, anytime I would say anything that showed my different way of thinking, he'd get all bummed again and startbeing cold me because he'd wonder why he hadn't thought of whatever it may have been. So I kept many of my ideas in my head, and stopped exploring things around him. Now he tells me I bore him because I don't share my intelligence and he doesn't see our common interests as much anymore. I felt at a loss on this one, but we managed to get through that tough patch....

Then his depression kicked in more. He became very distant, and if it weren't for the fact that I live in the same apartment complex as him, I would never had seen him. He decided to drop all of his college classes and stay home and play his video games. He got into a ruthless cycle because he'd hate being at his apartment because it was filthy and he has a tinge of OCD, but he'd stay home because he hated going out. When he did decide to go out, it was to go eat fast food. He couldn't cook in he dirty kitchen, and despises cooking, regardless of the cleanliness of the apartment..... he sees it as a waste of time, since he could simply go out and eat, and be served food, and have his dishes cleaned for him.... So his health waned with his bad habits, making his depression worse.... on top of that, he really couldn't afford to eat out, especially since he likes places that are a bit more pricey. But since he wanted to eat out so much, he'd borrow money from his friends, and constantly ask his mother and I for money. This added to the depression because he felt like a "parasite" and felt worthless. He couldn't get a job because he was constantly tired (that is why he dropped his classes). His health was worsening and his IBS kept acting up, so he was always in pain.... So his depression made him not want to be around me, which I understand. But I couldn't go without being around him completely... being an NT, I need to have signs that I am wanted..... So I'd stay away for as long as I could (I must admit, that would only be a day or two), and I'd need to have at least dinner with him. When we'd have these, he'd be pretty angry at me, seeing me as pushing him too much. I know that's AS, and I understand.

Recently (honestly everything is recent; we've dated for 3 months) I went to lunch with him. We hadn't seen each other for a day or so, and we were happy to see each other.... as we sat and ate, I pointed out that his collar was flipped in and asked if he could fix it. He got angry at me and started saying things like: "why do you always have to ruin things like this?", "why do you have to make an issue of things?". and "you are trying to change me too much".... a bit stunned, I tried to explain that it was just a collar to me, that it wasn't really a big deal, (of course, it WAS a BIG deal for him and I understand that more, but did he really have to be so hurtful?) So he ended up pounding his fist on the table rather hard, and I don't deal well with anything that I feel threatened by, so I told him I was ready to go home (a 5 minute walk). He said to me rather scornfully "Go. Leave me in peace."So I got up and left, only to have him text me later as if nothing had happened.

Another time, I was over at his house and he was hungry. His kitchen was fairly clean at the time (I had come over and cleaned it) so he grabbed some mushrooms from the fridge and sauteed them. As he ate them he looked at the package and saw that the expiration date had passed. Seeing that, he continued to eat tham as if it didn't matter. 30 mintues later, he was very worried because he thought he'd get sick. Then he started treating me nasty again. I asked him why he was mad at me. He said, if I hadn't been over, he would have gone out to eat and not have eaten the mushrooms. That it was my fault he ate them. Once again, I had to walk away from this.

A little over a week ago, he was walking me to my chemistry final. I was in a hurry, and rather nervous because this final would make or break my grade in the class.... I had been a bit errr.... distracted all semester. As we walked, he asked me whether or not I thought him smart when in comes to common sense. I'm an honest person, to the point where it can hurt. I told him I didn't think he was. He got angry and turned the quewstion around, "So do you think I am stupid?" I told him that I did not think he was stupid. He was, however, very stubborn and when people told him to do something, whether it be speed up to catch the button at an intersection to be able to cross the street instead of wait for the next time that light turns green, or if it was something important, he would refuse to do it. He hates any time of advice or critisism because that means he is not perfect. This includes any types of compromises I would offer in our NT-AS relationship. It had to be his way or he would be dreadful. And that is with anything and everything. Yes, I am being a little judging right now, (I am currently not happy with him), but for the most part, if he has nothing to gain from doing something for me, he simply won't do it.... Anyway! Back to the story--- after I told him that he was stubborn, he told me he wanted to go home. I told him "fine." He said he wanted his book out of my backpack, so I stopped to get it out. I had a little trouble with the zipper, and he made a snide remark "you better hurry. You don't want to be late".... the way he said it with so much venom, I could tell he meant that as a jab, since he knew I really had to hurry to take that final. So I ripped open my backpack gave him the book and sped walked towards my destination. Ad I walked he yelled to me "you better come back or I am breaking up with you." I turned and shouted back, "Fine!" and continued on my way. He caught up and walked with me in silence for a few seconds. Then he says "all you've done is make this whole semester for me a living hell" so I told him it wasn't like he really made mine good. Eventually I was too riled up to be able to think of chemistry and I gave up taking the test that day. I took it the next morning. But when I decided I wouldn't take it that night, I told him I was tired of always having to think of him and him alone and that it was time I started thinking of me, and I walked away from him. He texted me later saying that I am the most important thing in his life, no matter what he said earlier.....

I'm sorry this is so long, but I just wanted to give you guys an idea of what he is like. Essentially, I am tired of him treating me well and then turning around and being very rude to me. I'm tired of the fact that, though he knows he has AS, he doesn't want to work on any of the above mentioned things because he "planned on being alone all his life anyway." It creates a roller coaster because he has admitted that he hates the thought of being in a relationship, but he loves being in one with me. So I get mixed messages all the time, going from enjoying my company to resenting the fact that we are in a relationship. Yet, I absolutely refuses to just be my friend. He says he's trying with some things, but then he turns around and calls me just so he can complain about a certain aspect of my life. I think he was projecting his anger on to me because he had just had an argument with his mother and then decided to call me and be mean to me. I even told him he needed to go to sleep because he was not in a good mood and he was being mean to me, but he just continued talking until he offended me. As soon as I mentioned that he had offended me, he finally decided to hang up the phone......

As small at that last offence was, it seems to be the straw that broke the camels back. Through a followup text conversation, I explained that he wasn't trying enough to be considerate of my feelings and that he did not listen to me what I told him to stop something. So I broke up with him.... I know I addressed him as my boyfriend earlier, but that is because it just doesn't seem right to call him my ex yet... that last bit just happened last night.

I know that there are tons of things that he did that were simply AS traits (stimming, escaping into his own world, being a bit socially awkward), but I am pretty sure that other things were simply his immaturity and his inexperience being in a relationship (I was his first). From my understanding, AS-NT relationships work when both parties work to understand each other and work towards a common ground. After 3 months, I feel drained and it seems that I was always putting forth %110, while he would always get mad at me or blame me for something. Then he'd turn around and say he loves me and that he doesn't want to break up. I honestly think we made better friends because being in a relationship simply does not suit him. The sad thing is he was the one who pushed for it to be a relationship.....

If he could simply humble himself and take advice, even if it is from an NT(he told me he feels superior when it comes to NTs because NTs are "simple" and usually not very intelligent) , and started to see the value in the requests I made, we would actually have a chance together. I just don't think he really wants to make that effort at this point, so we MUST stay friends, for both of our mental health. I'm just afraid that he is going to resent me more, and think that I let him down as well.....

Can anybody explain some of these behaviors? Does anybody have advice? Could I get the AS perspective on this as well? Was I in the wrong at certain points? Anything would be helpful. I'd never even heard of AS before him, and I really do care for him, so I tried to understand it as much as possible...... I still am....

you are not suited to each other at all, dont see him again.


take the warning signs now of all the ways you are not suited, you dont want to be one of these couples in an unhappy relationship for 15 years, get out now.

Run now, run fast and don't look back.

Reading your post I see nothing positive about this guy and with all those negatives this relationship would never work for you and would be very detrimental to you in every way.

Sorry I didn't read all of it. You are not compatible. Your ability to debate is intimidating and he will always feel inferior and punish you for it rather than see it as a challenge to improve himself.

I can't see anything postive for you. It seems that you do a lot for him and get nothing back. Having AS is not an excuse for such poor behaviour all the time. Like the whole thing when you went to take an exam, that was out of order.

It's never easy to tell when an aspie's personality ends and their AS begins, but being an aspie doesn't mean you can't also be a jerk. In the case of your (now) ex-boyfriend, it sounds like he's had a lousy childhood and is extremely sensitive to any mistakes he might make (because he was made to feel stupid for making them) or that he isn't above average intelligence (because sometimes, it is literally the ONLY thing we have to take pride in ourselves for). We're prone to black and white thinking, so when you go your whole life thinking, "wrong=dumb" and "right=smart" every debate becomes an IQ test, with 2nd place prize is you're ret*d.

He needs some serious self esteem help, a break from his daily pattern he's stuck in and some exercise and diet, too. What he needs is a friend. And unfortunately, it can't be you, anymore. Especially for us, there's no downgrading from 'lover' to 'friend' very often, if ever. If he has friends, ask them to try and help him out, even if he pushes them away, which he will.

it sounds like he has serious mood issues and is prone to hysteria which may lead him to say things he does not mean. that is not an excuse but a possible explanation. He needs to get his life in order to be able to function in a relationship.

I have to say that some of the things you mention are similar to how i behaved to my recent ex but this sounds in every way more extreme. I know that my ex found it hard to cope with my behavior at times.

i think by far the easiest thing for you would be to try to distance yourself from him and see if you can contact people who may be willing to support him. it seems he really needs help but it is not something you should feel obliged to give. From how you describe it, you are suffering and i think that is the opposite of what a relationship should be

Now that I have cooled off a little bit more, I can see I was not being entirely fair to him. He is generally a sweet guy, as long as he isn't stressed. He really has been depressed so his actions have not been very good. He tries with our relationship in his own way, but I am his first and he questions whether or not I am trying to control him, or if certain aspects of himself are even capable of change. I KNOW a lot of them aren't and in all honesty I am okay with that. I am very fond of him. I do add stress to him at the moment because he is constantly worried that he will lose me or that he is making me unhappy. It creates a downward spiral in which he gets sad because he thinks he did something wrong, so he treats me poorly, so I get sad and so on and so on.

I'll mention some of his good qualities since I do recognize that he brings those to the relationship. He is very helpful when I need somebody who can give me advice on many different things. Him and I are usually on the same page with so many things (I think this is partially why he gets so upset when I have an opposing view on things). He is very caring and always looking out for my health. He is very understanding of many things that happened to me as a child. He is fairly patient when it comes to intimate things and he tries his best to please me. He is not a jealous person. He is extremely intelligent! He is very funny. At times, I can really see he cares about me. He really does have good intentions most of the time. There are things that I read too much into (getting used to an AS-NT relationship takes time and understanding him better), but he tends to be fairly patient with me on those. One thing I find pretty important is the fact that he can apologize for things. All those listed above, he did eventually apologize for. He even apologizes for things that I didn't even see as an offence. He really does try not to upset me, but sometimes things just come out really wrong.

He did have quite a few problems as a child. His diagnoses wasn't until he was in his early twenties (only a few years ago). He lived with his much older sister for a couple years, and she was bipolar. He really could not handleher constant swings very well and she was very controlling (hence his fear that I am trying to control him). She was very mean to him at times, He also had many bad experiences with girls he liked into his early college years. At one point he had asked a girl on a date, and she told him "I am not going out with you you autistic freak." He really does have a lot of distrust for women. I would too if I only saw superficial, judging and controlling women all my life.

As far as the debating things go, we don't even do it anymore. Honestly, our little debates were mutually seen as flirtatious banter when we first met. We have discussed that. And he really enjoys debating.... he wants to go into politics. I'd say "debate" may not have been the best term to use. It was more like a discussion, seeing as how we had no audience. The problem is the things we would talk about are things that really do not have a black and white answer. It would be things like, is religion bad, or should we legalize drugs..... in fact those are the same recurring ones and he would always be the one to start talking about either subject.... I must admit, he probably really wanted me to see his side of both, but I can't really answer yes or no to either one. That is one of my problems.... I live so much in gray area that i don't have a yes or no answer to these, but my stance tends to sway more towards the opposite side. Those things don't truly have a right or wrong answer completely, but, just as much as he wanted me to see his side, I wanted to show him mine. So I admit, for every remark he made, I would either agree or disagree with it and provide my own reasons for my stance. I did thoughtfully listen though. He has managed to put me even more in the gray area as far as those subjects are concerned because he did have valid points. But as I have said.... I elt it be clearly known that I did not enjoy having these discussions for the sake of "winning", I rather enjoyed the attainment of more knowledge and the ability to clarify my stance, not only to him but to myself. As far as those fallacious arguments go, I don't see things that I did to sway him away from his stance, unless it was some type of point I was bringing up. The closest thing I remember coming to, to arguing "unfairly" was when he told me that, if we legalized drugs, the drug cartels would disappear. I told him that the drug cartels use drugs as their way of power.... if they couldn't use that anymore to fuel their crime and power, they would use something else illegal, such as child pornography. So yes, drug related crimes may go down because people abusing the system couldnt do so with them anymore, but other crimes that are simply linked to other vices would go up..... Yes, it is a stretch, but I think in a weird ay and it makes sense to me. I didn't mean it to be something to throw off the argument. I once asked him if he thought I argued unfairly, and he told me that he thought I sometimes took the stance of the general public. I only ever stood for what I personally believed..... the general public wouldn't hear our discussion so why would I need to appease them anyway? I did apologize for that.

I am sorry for painting such an ugly picture of him at first. I know that the way he speaks to me is unacceptable but I know he tries in other areas. I appreciate all the feedback and would love to hear anything else that would help me understand! Thank you!

I'm glad you are able to see good points in him, but some of the things he said to you were abusive and you don't have to take that kind of abuse no matter how helpful he is at other times.

I'm sorry, but neither of you seemed happy in this relationship but I hope you can move on and view it as a positive learning experience.

OP, based on your posts, I think there's a lot more going on with your ex than Asperger's. Any person who has experienced a dysfunctional childhood is very likely to relate to their partner in a dysfunctional way - unless they do the work necessary to heal the damage from their childhood and learn how to relate in healthy ways. Recognizing the problem and doing the work takes a lot of courage, resources, responsibility and commitment.

Based on your account, your ex does not seem inclined to tackle the dysfunctional aspects of the relationship skills he has. Instead, he seems inclined to make excuses, punish, manipulate and control - and I'm afraid that strategy will continue to have a very negative effect on you. Additionally, when you add Asperger's into the equation, the situation becomes even more complex. If this young man is particularly influenced by the rigid thought patterns associated with Asperger's, it's going to be extraordinarily difficult for him to overcome the dysfunctional behavior he's known all his life. Add in mind blindness, a lack of empathy, perfectionism.....the degree of difficulty increases. I'm not saying that change isn't possible, but Aspie or NT, people will typically only change their lives when they want to change their lives. It takes a measure of maturity to realize the problem, find the solution, and implement it. It doesn't seem like your ex has that going for him.

I certainly can't tell you how you should feel about him, but I'm concerned that if you try to resurrect the relationship, you'll only be setting yourself up for a lot more heartache and disappointment - before finally realizing that this is not a man who is capable of bringing happiness and contentment into your life. I hope that you choose to protect yourself, and remain separated from this man. Good luck.