NT male dating recently diagnosed autistic female

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Hi all

My partner and I are going through a very tough time in our relationship and I need some sound advice.

details:

Dating for 5 years
Met when I was suffering from bullemia and associated depression, whilst she was suffering from depression and anxiety issues.
GF diagnosed 1 month ago with autism (her brother has AS)
GF recently spoke to me, telling me that she doesn't feel the same way for me and has been for some time (2 years!)
In that two years, I quit my career in the merchant navy and got a mortgage with her.
She feels like we have lost that emotional connection and that I don't understand her as much
We haven't broken up but all the relationshipy stuff- hugging, kissing, holding hands, talking, fooling around has stopped

Talking is difficult as she is turning into a zombie again- which as I know her, means she is choked with emotions and can't explain them to me. I know this hurts her as she wants to be able to speak to me, she knows I'm suffering too. Obviously as an NT male i'm more pragmatic and need answers. I know though that time and patience is necessary and she can open up.

This is a bit of a ramble. I don't want to lose this amazing person in myself, autistic or not, she is still the person I've loved over the years. She says she doesn't know what she wants.

If it was clear that she didn't love me, I'm sure she'd of dumped me by now. I guess i'm trying to make sense of this new person I'm dating and trying to let go of my own frustrations.

After this ramble, can anyone make sense of this?

Some Aspies communicate better in writing than verbally, particularly during times of great stress. Perhaps your gf could try writing what she's feeling?

In terms of working through the problems you two are having....she may have experienced a "processing delay" - something that happens to some people with ASD. It means having a delay in processing the emotions related to an event. For example, your gf may have experienced an event, but days, weeks, months, etc. may pass before she realizes she's upset about the event. Not all people on the spectrum experience processing delays, but it may be an issue for your gf.

Unfortunately, there's not a single approach you can use to discussing the problems you're having that will guarantee you'll get the result you're hoping for. If your gf is in the midst of a shutdown, it would be incredibly damaging to push her. As frustrating as it is for you, I encourage you to give her some time and space to regain her center. She needs to do that before she'll be able to help you understand her issues with the relationship. Good luck.

I agree with HopeGrows. I am an Aspie female who has lost friends because of this slow processing of emotions. Often I have been friends with people for nearly a year, before shutting down. They, of course, could not understand my sudden need for so much alone time. In turn, they would push for time with me, and get increasingly demanding, wanting to know what they "Did Wrong." I was never able to explain, because I was in the middle of processing So the easiest thing was to shut them out entirely, while shutting down completely. By then the friendship was un-salvagable.

Can I ask you something, hartzofspace? Do you know what caused the shutdown? Was it something the friend(s) in question did, or was it just a need for time alone to recharge? Thanks.

It's hard to explain. I think it was a little of both!

I'd agree with what the other posters said. I also think it'll be helpful for both of you to learn as much as you possibly can about Asperger's right now, if you'd like to be able to better understand each other and continue to be a part of each others' lives.

I was dx'd as an adult, too, and it was a pretty overwhelming experience, but educating myself and meeting others like me helped me feel more grounded. Aspergirls by Rudy Simone is something you should both read. It's got a goofy title, but a wealth of info.

The way you describe your gf current emotional shutdown sounds so much like what i went through when my marriage was in trouble. For me mostly i was overwhelmed with grief of loosing my mother, then my grandmother 6 weeks later, as well as major changes in my house through taking 3 extra teens into my home and trying to cope with the effects all this was having on my child and my husband. This all lead to me shutting down to try and process the emotions and my husband could not cope or support me in this. Every time he tried to show me affection i could not cope because it required me to go to that emotional space where all those other emotions were simmering. When i didnt reposnd favorably to his affection he had a look of disapointment on his face which only made it all worse for me. What i needed from him was just time and space so i could process, but also i needed for him to be there and listen when i needed to ramble about my day. Basiaclly i needed him to be my best friend until i could feel again. This did not mean i didnt love him just that i could not express it at the time, though i still did little things for him like make coffee. This may have been in hope that we would talk over coffee like we often did. Anyway i am rambling, so my point is he could not get past his own needs to support me when i needed it the most, so dont make that mistake if you want it to work. No saying it will work but good luck.

if i was you, i would ask her to write down the reasons why you two are still together. shes still your girlfriend.. so surely she still feels something towards you. maybe she just needs space like everyone is saying. let her know you will respect her decision one way or another because what you really want is for her to be happy, and that if she thinks there is someone else who could bring her more happiness you wont like it, but she'll be happy which is what you want more than anything else. then.. give her room to decide, and if she breaks up with you eventually try to remember the happy times instead of the sad ones, and dont waste too much time feeling depressed and down about a relationship that wont work. instead, try to get back on your feet and maybe sooner you'll meet another person that you will someday long for.

that being said, best of luck to you! hopefully it all works out for the best

You sound like you want to be supportive and understanding which is so refreshing to hear, rather than laying blame. Continue your research and just create a pleasant atmosphere, where hopefully she will become more at ease to communicate more easily.

Thank you everyone for the responses, it means so much to me. I have learned alot by lurking this website and the advice given so far underpins my thoughts of this community

This is certainly what is happening right now. I'm doing my best to relax and give her time as I know this works but it very very difficult. You guys may see the world one way but I see it another way so it'll always cause mash ups here and there! She has opened up to me alot more this week. We had a much more natural talk when we went out shopping this weekend- we actually spoke very candidly whilst eating, it felt natural not a " we need to talk" moment. She was very relaxed which delighted me to no end!

Does the above delayed response/emotional state also apply to text messaging? We recently returned to txting each other a lot (about 10 days before she broke the news to me). Now we still text but I feel like I'm having to force the conversation with her, even when it just talking about normal day to day stuff. If i hold off texting her for say a whole working day, I pretty much won't get a text message. Excuse the phrase, but this lack of communication seems like a message to me...

To me this signals a few rapid emotions but I know what I'm feeling isn't necessarily the same as what she is feeling. Anyone got any experience with texting whilst dealing with heavy emotional stuff?

One final (long) question,

Whilst speaking candidly, she told me she wants us to fix things but is so scared that we can't or if we do, it will fall apart after a few months. She appears to be really concerned that we won't be able to get that important emotional spark back, that connection were we understand each other and talking/communicating isn't difficult or awkward. I'm totally stumped as I don't know the answer and I also don't know how to get that connection again?

I'm more concerned about providing some re-assurance to my partner, she seems very distressed about this and for once I really don't know what to say as i'm thinking the same thing. Does anyone have an opinion from the Aspie aspect, something which I could pass on that may help her, something she'll understand opposed to my NT view?

Thanks

Again, I am speaking for myself. But somehow you may have to find the strength to set a time frame in which you won't interact at all; anywhere from 10 days to a month. This will take the pressure off of her, if she knows that she hasn't messed things up between you, and that she can just savor some regulated down time and grow towards missing you. That was what went wrong in my past friendship; people wouldn't let me have that down time, and I was torn between feeling guilty and knowing that I needed some time apart. I also always felt that the more I hung around one person, the more I lost my own identity. Maybe if she has a set time (one mutually agreed upon by you both) she can better assess how she feels about the relationship.

Whereas that information can help, I think I have another approach.
Yes, she does need love and understanding but you should not help if she does not ask.
Also, I think the more you want to know, the more questions this develops. That and that you have to know that you do not really know how you can understand as you have had a different way of life and that her life has changed in short time which she needs to process by herself, she can not tell you because she does not know how to say it.
Personally, since she wants to work things out, this means she still loves you.

I'm an Aspie girl with an NT boyfriend. I'd definitely say that if you want the most accurate version of what she's feeling, ask her to write it in a letter. I don't know whether you'd want to set a timeframe for that or just tell her to take whatever time she needs, but I find writing my thoughts down much easier than talking face-to-face and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only Aspie like that. She may be able to give you some more detailed info on how she's feeling instead of just 'we've lost the spark and I'm scared we can't get it back.' She could give you examples, maybe.

I'm sort of in a similar situation myself. The difference here is that my boyfriend has pretty much outright told me he's leaving if I can't pull myself together because I'm dragging him down and stopping him from being happy. I can understand that. I want him to be happy. That's the problem - I feel guilty about the fact that I'm hindering that. It's destroying our spark too, my guilt and the way he's always half expecting me to screw up again. I want to be with him, but there are 2 things in the way of that. 1) If we're going to break up I'd rather we do it now, so I really wish he could just make a decision on the spot. But I know that's not realistic, so I just sort of hang in the middle - not letting myself get my hopes up just in case by spending too much time with him or anything like that. I don't want to put lots of effort into something that will ultimately fail, and then feel like an idiot for trying. 2) I don't know if he's on the same page as me or not. If he feels the same way I do, then technically if we both agree to make an effort we should be fine. But maybe he doesn't. I've read books about AS/NT relationships where the AS guy (because it's always an AS guy in those books, not very diverse) says he doesn't feel the need to tell his NT partner that he loves her often, because he's said it once so she should already know, but she feels unloved because he doesn't show it. I'm the opposite of that. Because I'm not very good at figuring out when I'm about to screw up, or whether someone's still annoyed at me after I've already screwed up, I get paranoid unless I have reaffirmations that they've forgiven me and everything's okay.

I think in my case, one thing that would help would be if my guy could regularly tell me where I stand. I notice if something is measurably different - for example, if I'm always the first one to text him instead of us alternating, or if he hasn't invited me to see him for a long time - but I won't pick up on anything more subtle. So if we've been seeing each other regularly and texting etc but he's still feeling negative about everything, I won't know. This makes me paranoid. It makes it harder for me to enjoy the times when we're seeing each other regularly and texting etc because everything really is fine.

Obviously I'm not saying your case is exactly the same as mine, but it's possible that one of the reasons your girlfriend feels bad and doesn't know how to get the spark back is that she's worried she'll disappoint you. If that's the case, one thing you could do would be to reassure her that you're there to support her. But only do this if you know you can be there - I can at least give credit to my boyfriend for being honest about not being sure that he can do it. If you can help to get rid of the guilt she might feel at not being a 'perfect NT girlfriend,' she may feel like there's more of a chance you can get the spark back and rebuild your relationship. Hope that helps