I'd rather be alone than settle

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In my life with Aspergers, I've always viewed the idea of having a girlfriend as a nonessential "luxury," not a necessity. I have a range of "special interests" to where I could seriously be happy just entertaining myself until I died. My feeling is that I should only pursue the type of girls I am really interested in as "sport" ......... if I date them, that's fine with me, but if I get rejected and I never get married or have a serious relationship with any "preppy" girls, than that is fine by me as well.

Since I have Aspergers, I don't really feel like I "need" to have that female companionship in my life. I also don't feel I really need to settle for someone I'm not that crazy about just so I can be on the books as "having a relationship." Its not important to me.

I always get different people in my life telling me things like:

I need to settle
I should be more open-minded
I should lower my standards and date from a bigger variety of girls
I should seek out a girl with AS


The thing is that I don't want to date "just anybody." I don't feel I should ask people out "just because they are there." I feel like some people even secretly think I should only date "in my league" and only pursue girls who are like 6s and 7s, or they just want to hold me down and make me live the same kind of mediocre lives that they live. They just wrongly assume I am like them and I'm seeking out the exact same priorities that they seek. I don't even really care about having a wife or a "regular life" ........... so I should just hold out for a 9 or a 10, and not settle for something "iffy." I don't want a "provider wife" in a practical sense.

Worst of all, what if I "commit" to someone I only settled for, and then someone I'm far more "high" on comes along?? My feeling is I would not date a girl with an IQ more than 10 points lower than mine, as our conversations would be crap, and I would go mental with the drudgery of the relationship.

I also can't stand things like anime, cartoons, and electronics, so I don't understand why everyone (my family as well) encourages me to date a girl with Aspergers? They know full well my range of interests are things that NTs like (but I pursue them with hardcore Aspergers obsession) Girls with AS are rare anyway. People who know me know I am nothing like other males with AS, as I'm interested in things like weightlifting and sports (but I take these things to AS extremes.)

The Aspergers meetups I went to, I really didn't get on with any people there, since I'm not interested at all in computers and video games and this kind of stuff.

The thing is I feel if i dated somebody who I wasn't terribly excited about even immediately, that things would get even more divisive because of my personality type. Its also very hard for me to get aroused unless I feel an immediate attraction. If I was stuck with "just anybody," I definitely feel I would get totally miserable and just angry, and I would prefer to just not have some "albatross" in my life.

What it comes down to is that I just hate people overall, so I shouldn't commit to anybody unless they are really what I want or the chemistry is really there. Otherwise it will be a disaster as I find I don't get along with people unless I really like them on a gut level. I can't compromise.

I have news for you: eventually, anyone who wants a committed relationship must "settle" for a less-than-ideal partner. Even if you find the "perfect" person to partner-up with, you will eventually begin to notice his or her flaws, and you will eventually realize that this "perfect" person is not so perfect after all. Then you will have to decide if you want to settle for this wretch and stay in the relationship, or dump them and take your chances on everyone else's left-overs.

Good luck with all that.

LOL. the world is beautiful

Once you accept it - warts and all - the world really is beautiful!

or you just decide to settle for it, the warty wretch

haha I currently don't know anyone well enough to know whether I would "settle". So far In Real Life, there's been nobody to "settle for".

Lowering your standards isn't a terrible idea actually, you could have casual flings with less attractive girls to practice for the prettier ones. It could be a good way to build your confidence, comfort and improve your experience with the opposite sex. Holding out for this perfect woman isn't going to happen unless you start improving your chances with women and creating your own luck. Don't be naive, bro, most girls have likely been around a bit and will expect you take the initiate and escalate, even the holier than thou girls I've met have been around a little.

Keep your options open and don't think that dating someone on the spectrum will solve all of your problems, there's many determining factors that matter when it comes to a relationship working, there's as much chance of a relationship working with someone who isn't on the spectrum than someone who is. You've got a better chance of finding an ideal NT partner because there's many more of them.

Agreed, get some experience. That way you know to behave and act around one better

I hope I don't see you complaining about women who treat men badly.

Thread starter: Don't settle. You have no reason to.

I kind of agree with the op. Why lead girls on if you know you don't really have feelings for them. What some people call gaining experience other call messing girls around. What if he started dating someone he wasn't into, but she adored him. She would be hurt when he ended things and realised he wasn't that into her in the first place.

Maybe I just see things in black and white.

If you are truly content on your own then it is annoying when people tell you to settle.

Fnord is right though, no one is perfect. But personally I feel that I would have to meet a man who I develope strong feelings for and who I love spending time with. If I don't feel anything I can't settle on a person.

I find it difficult to meet people who I emotionally connect with. Sometimes men on here describe this not connecting in very logical terms and a list if high standards. I don't think at the end of the day when they fall head over heels for a woman these "standards" will matter.

I genuinly think alot of disagreements arise in this section of the forum because people talk in the only terms they know how to, in very logical matter of fact ways and men don't often like expressing their feelings anyway.

So what i'm saying is don't be quick to jump all over soneone who tells us what they are looking for in a partner (even if it seems unrealistic). What they are really saying is they haven't meet someone yet who makes them feel like the want to share their life with.

Sometimes after years of trying or just not finding someone to connect with people come on here and express why that has happened in an intellectual way, pulling it to pieces and disecting it.

Believe me kid when you meet someone who makes your heart skip a beat all this intellectualization will mean nothing. You'll be like magnets drawn to each other. Things about her won't be what you thought you wanted, but you won't care. And you'll have disagreements and you'll have to negotiate and compromise because no two people are the same, but you will handle those conflicts and differences because thats what you need to do to maintain the relatinship because you both want to and enjoy (most of the time) being together.

Problem is for some of us it is extremely dufficult to find people we actually connect with.

Hate is a strong word. (I prefer annoy)

However I very much see the same way as the thread title.

I'd also hope that I wouldn't become settled on by the significant other.

Well I somewhat know what you mean I think your standards are maybe too selective but I do not see that you even have a problem if not having a girl friend is no obstacle to life happiness then your all cool if someone comes along who meets your standards then all good otherwise yeah.

That said you will never find a perfect person but yeah.

I do see what you mean about some things I don't care what someones intelligence is but i cant stand people with a lazy mind by which i mean someone who has never read a book and stuff.

I am not sure that I agree that you must ''settle'' for a less than ideal partner.I too would rather be alone than to date a less than ideal partner.

Ok, then stay alone.