People who take too long to reply

Post Reply New Topic

I lose interest. I told a girl today on Tumblr who sent me a message initially, that I wasn't interested anymore.

She asked me if I knew where this cafe was. I said yes, why do you ask?
She never replied.

I had to send a message back the next day
"Why did you ask me where that cafe is?"

She finally replied:
"I was going to propose coffee."

So I say: That sounds nice. I would like that.
She finally replies: I am sincere about going for coffee with you. You intrigue me, and you're one of the only local blogs I follow."

So I reply: That's very nice of you to say. What is it about me/my blog that interests you? I'm not sure what the appropriate way about setting this up is. I assume at some point I'll need a way to personally contact you. Should we set this up online, or over the phone? I'm Christopher by the way. I don't want to ask you for too much information right away.

She never replied that day. Or today for that matter.

I finally send another message:
"Why do you take so long to reply to my messages... I'm not really interested anymore."

Thing is, is that I CAN SEE HER ONLINE. She likes my posts. She blogs up a storm. I can see her online, blogging things and liking my posts. I CAN SEE HER IGNORING MY MESSAGES!

At least you aren't being weird about it.

I think you're picking it up.

Hes not being sarcastic, hes sincerely saying you're not being weird about it

Maybe you should tell her you weren't being weird. Just to be sure she knows the score.

Naw he already said he wasnt interested anymore. If he says anything else after that it will start to seem weird

Oh, you think? Hm. Well, he did the right thing explaining to this forum that he wasn't being weird, just fussy. Now we know.

I'm going to assume that part of WhiteWidow wants to be helped and that's why he posted, even if his most apparent motive was to justify and reinforce his mistake.

Well for 1. I'm NOT going to be there the following day unless she has time to meet me there on that day. So why would I say something that isn't true? What if she doesn't even show up? Or get the message till two days later and I'm sitting there in that cafe like an idiot?

That's just what I would've done. Any further into the future and it's more officially date-like, and I avoid that at all costs. If you can work out a way to enquire about her availability without sounding weak, go for it. I would play it casual and just invite her to maybe show up when you would be there. Keeps it low pressure for everyone.

Your responses to her put her on the spot, that's why she didn't answer until prodded. You're asking her directly why she wants to go out for coffe with you. If it's because she might be interested romantically in you, she would never outright say that because it puts her at risk for rejection. She probably assumes when you ask her such direct questions about her motivations that you're trying to make it hard for her, cause she assumes you know you're forcing her to either make up a lie or tell the truth and potentially be humiliated.

So: in the future, if you want people to respond, you have to be less blunt and more gentle... basically if you give them several options to respond without feeling they're forced to make an uncomfortable choice in how to respond, it'll be much easier for them to answer.

Here is how she was probably hoping the conversation would go (please excuse the teen soap-operalike dialogue, it's a rough sketch):

"Hi there, do you happen to know where this cafe is?"
"Yeah! I love their croissants! I really recommend it, I think you'd enjoy it if you want a relaxed place to read a book or hang out or whatever. I go there all the time."
"Oh cool! Yeah, I am not that into the coffee scene here and I thought you might have some tips on that, seeing as you work from a laptop and all. If I was a blogger I'd probably be trying out different coffee shops all the time anyway. So much better than a cubicle. How'd you get into blogging by the way? You're such an interesting writer!"

"Oh, I'm just really into the topic and I thought why not try to make a go of it and apparently I'm not too bad at it! <---[note: sorry I'm feeding you and girl who write to you some very off-topic/cheesy lines but I'm trying to imagine how a successful conversation realistically might go.] Hey, I'm actually there most weekdays at lunch, you should definitely let me know if you end up checking out the place so I can say hi to you. I'm usually just sitting in the corner crouched over my laptop. You've gotta try their Macchiato Whatever, I'm pretty much addicted to it."
"Haha cool I struck gold and found the prince of That Coffee Shop on the Corner! I definitely will check it out soon, I've been looking for a good coffee place to go on my lunch break lately and it's pretty convenient to my office and sounds way better than the one I've been going to. I'd love to meet you, I think your blog is so amazing, you might have noticed I'm constantly reblogging stuff from you haha, I was a Whatever major and your blog's like a textbook that's actually pleasurable to read! I don't have any meetings tomorrow or Thursday, I'll definitely have to stop in and I'll look for the smart-looking guy in the corner with a laptop."

"Awesome! Yeah you can count on me to be there, I think some people think I live there. Resident nerd. I like your title much better though. Yeah, stop by and we can chat over coffee, it's always wonderful to have a break from staring at the screen and it would be really neat to talk to someone who knows all about The Topic I Blog About. See you then. "

"Cool. See you then! "

---

Obviously this dialogue is bland and disgustingly full of cools and awesomes that I don't imagine you use much of and extremely subtexty but she was probably expecting something like it, that on the surface at least lets her pretend it could be completely platonic interest to save face whereas the way you did it allowed for none of that. The whole conversation on her end could be reduced to "I'm romantically interested in you, will you meet me for a coffee date?" But she has to break the question into about four parts that let you show or not show interest at each stage. It also kind of relies on the girl opens-door-for-boy-to-suggest date formula which doesn't work unless both parties are willing and able to conform to their stereotypical roles at least in the beginning.