Fear of intimacy.

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I've very recently come to realize that I have a pathological fear of intimacy which causes me to become increasingly psychologically (NEVER physically) violent the closer I get to someone.

I can only guess that the root cause must be a fear of getting hurt, but I really have no idea why I feel this way, unless it's a legacy of my horrible childhood.

Anyone else feel this way? Has anyone overcome it?

Any comments/feedback would be DEEPLY appreciated, this is a really overwhelming issue for me right now...

I've learned so much by learning how to fly and how to ride a motorcycle. I wasn't sure why I was doing it, but I knew I had to. I needed to stop being afraid. I was afraid of everything that might cause me to feel uncomfortable. I spent 2 years after my painful marriage broke up safe in my room and only going to work or the grocery store. It was safe. Until I realized I needed to live/love again. The thing about learning these skills is to push your limits. To trust that what you have learned and your instincts will keep you safe. Love is exactly the same. the more you learn about a person, the more you can trust your instincts. Also understand that they are doing the same thing. The biggest hurtle is to fall for someone and become intimate. Not necessarily sexual, but emotionally intimate. You are risking the greatest pain you can endure, heartbreak. But you are searching for something equally joyous, love.

I consider it a challenge to risk my heart. So I dated. But I was very careful whom I dated and seldom went on more than one or two until I could get a "feel" for how it would work. I decided before I began that I would not settle for someone unless I could trust them. That was also difficult. At first, I ran from all of them. But I "practiced" until I was not afraid anymore. I pushed my boundaries until I found someone I trusted enough to sleep with.

One of the key things I did was not to waste time with endless emails and messaging. That can be misleading. It is in person that you can feel chemistry. Until then, it is all just fantasy. Real life seldom lives up to a fantasy, so you are always let down by the time you meet. I always approached a date with the attitude that I was going to have a good time and nothing further. No expectations means that everything pleasant will be a nice surprise. I also went with the attitude that there were no rules. I did what I wanted and said what I wanted to. How else were they going to get a "feel" for me as well?

I applaud you Grisha for taking the steps to be in a relationship. Don't listen to the naysayers here, this is where you can find a kindred spirit. This is where the "girl next door" is. She lives in the same neighborhood and this is home.

(I hope I am clear in what I am saying. Sometimes my thoughts race and I get ahead of myself)

Thanks so much for that thoughtful reply, this is a "serious" issue that not too many people can comment on.

I'm trying to push myself as hard as I can, but at this point I don't know if it's a fear/trust issue or that I am constitutionally incapable of forming normal romantic attachments. I want to believe it's the former, and I'm committed to overcoming it.

Either way, it's been an epiphany for me: I used to think I knew everything, now I feel like I don't know anything - a lot of things people have been trying to tell me for a long time might actually be true...

Anyway, thanks again

This is actually what I'm dealing with right now. Not the violence, but I can get emotionally abusive when someone gets too close. This is part of what my thread on trust is about. I think finding the root cause of it (for me it's trust... I don't know how to trust that someone won't abuse ME first) may help you to overcome this tendency.

I think it's probably a trust issue, but I think that I may have some deep-seated problems related to Attachment Disorder - I was adopted and I never really bonded with my adoptive parents, I haven't seen them in 20 years and I don't miss them at all.

It's really scary, actually...

Grisha - good for you for looking at this aspect. I think you're capable of learning loads along this line!

Cinbad - great advice! Grisha, I would recommend similar things, I just don't have cinbad's way with words.

TEGH - I was reading your other thread (overcoming abuse, coming to trust again), these are issues I've struggled with over the past five years (30 years?) and I still have no answers. I think it's true that time heals all wounds, but that we're different in that our healing can be glacially slow. We feel things so intensely and yet do not have the ready context that other people do, so the abuse damages us more (in my opinion). It's natural to shy away from vulnerability, there's only so much putting your hand in the fire one will commit to.

People always say that there are no mistakes, just experiences for learning. I call BS, if you don't *learn* the way other people do. The secret is to try to learn, and never give up. I think it's okay to tailor your boundary-pushing, the way cinbad suggested. Baby steps.

I saw you were considering therapy. Have you started looking into that yet? I believe it may be quite beneficial.

BTW, I don't miss my parents either.

I've more than looked into it, I've found someone in my area who specializes in relationship problems in autistics and I'm planning on scheduling an appointment as soon as their office opens tomorrow.

Agree, therapy would be a great idea, but I think you're on to something significant here (bolded). I think this can be a vicious circle with autistics, especially. {Just my personal spitballing-in-my-brain theory.}

That's great news, Grisha. My only piece of advice is don't be afraid to question their tactics or find another therapist if you believe this one doesn't work for you. Too many people just suffer through treatment that doesn't do a damn thing which causes them to become bitter and mistrustful of psychotherapy. Always remember they are there to guide you through getting better and they can't do that if you are too compliant.

Troot. Very wise.

Grisha, Now that you are aware of the fear, you can face it squarely and know it for what it is. I have a fear of abandonment due to the fact that my parents died when I was 15 and was left to fend for myself on the streets. Of course that was very long ago. But it still lingers with me to this day.

You might want to take this in steps. First you might want to find a woman/girl who is very understanding and patient. Let her lead the way. Trust that she might be able to teach you. Trust yourself to push your boundaries and learn from what taking the risk teaches you about yourself and the way you relate to another human being. Let her get to know your fears and your life. Take your time. Risk being uncomfortable by sharing your deepest fears. Listen carefully to her responses. At the same time, realize that although this relationship may not last forever, the memory and the experience you gain will be invaluable. Truly look at her though. Try to see her for who she is and try to feel the things she tells you she feels. Movies can help you learn too.

Putting yourself in someone elses hands can actually be an extremely freeing experience. Just let her know this is what you are doing.

I used to feel like a chair. Just something for someone else to use. It's not very satisfying. So I let myself feel and experience the roller coaster that love inevitably brings.

I know that drill, I was in therapy for years - my progress was very rapid at first until I hit a brick wall and wasted more than a year attending sessions before someone finally suggested medication, and that ended up making a huge difference.

The difference now is that, for whatever reason, I seem to be attracting women and have the actual ability to date, which I didn't have before, so all these issues are surfacing for the first time.

We all have our time. This is yours and you are right to do your best to make the most of it and learn more about who you are and who you want to be.

Yeah, but I really question whether it's even moral for me to date at this point, plus the fact that I really don't understand what "casual" dating is all about, most of my previous relationships were intense and hyper-accelerated and so were the subsequent breakups...

I just want to try my hand at "normal" dating now that I seem to be on a "hot streak"...

I don't get abusive. But when someone starts getting close, I often start to withdraw into my head, into my private "inner Universe". I know I do this, but usually, my initial shyness prevents this in the first place. But its happened before
I've overcome many of my other fears before, like claustrophobia, this may be harder for me. Since I have to overcome decades of well-prepared defenses.

Sincerely,
Matt