Getting in too deep. Will a letter get me out?
I have this friend whos a boy/man were both 27 but I feel so innocent when it comes to grown up relationships and howt theyre supposed to work. He may have had a girl friend before and hes an NT so he just seems to know what to say/do/how he feels where as I am just going with the flow until I cant stand it any more if that makes sense.
So we have become really close and I have no objections to that. Although since I met him Ive had this feeling that I couldnt spend the rest of my life with him but I cant work out why. Last night he kissed me on the lips and although Ive been fantasizing about my first kiss for years it just felt odd and I didnt move. I was waiting for the urge to join in and the amazing feeling people say you get kissing someone and I felt neither. After the first time he said am I allowed to do this. and I said yes because I didnt dislike it just couldnt comprehend it. He tried a few more times but it was like he was kissing my lips waiting for them to respond and I hadnt a clue what was happening and dont know that I moved my lips though I may have done.
Anyway I say alot to him via email and I have told him some things which he calls strange emails which are about how he makes me feel awkward with prolonged eyecontact etc because I have AS. He has accepted these emails but Ive read its not good to say things like this via email it is better to have a verbal conversation in the same room but when these things bother me I just can find the words to explain myself.
I have been having sleepless nights trying to work out how to tell him I dont love him and although Im not unhappy he shouldnt hope for serious relationship with me. As I can see the longer it goes on the more messy it will end.
I know I wont be able to just say it to him but wonder if a letter would be better than an email. By that I was thinking a letter which I hand to him and stay with him until he's read it in case he wants to discuss it. What do you think of the following, is it clear enough? Does it end ok? Would it be ok printed out and handed to him?
I enjoy spending time with you and think you are a really good friend. Although I cant find any faults in you Ive never thought you were The One for me . As far as I can tell you like me more than I like you and it worries me to think I am leading you on. I would hate to lose you from my life but at the same time don’t believe I could have a serious relationship with you
If I was him I would have figured it out by now and hence, no need for a letter. But I'm not, so i admit i'd find the situation too arkward to deal with. Imagine you are him, how would take your friend politely saying "i don't fancy you" or "I'm not into you in that way" or "it was worth a try but it's just not happening for me"? If the friendship ends messy that is an outcome beyond your control. As long as the door's open for friendship, there's nothing to apologise for
To me, it seems like most people don't want to be told how we feel or what we think. I have always immensely appreciated it when others honestly tell me what they think and how they feel. I actually prefer being told by a letter, email, or private message than to be told over the phone or in person.
I absolutely abhor being left to guess what another person is thinking or feeling. I've often been told I need to learn how to take a hint. To me, hints are like assumptions in that both leave room for a lot of error. People make assumptions about me constantly. Almost never are they right. Even when I straightforwardly tell them what I think and how I feel, many still will twist my words around. At least I know I've given them a chance, which is more than what I can say they give me.
I wonder how many other people are like me in this regard? As far as I know, I'm the only person who is this way.
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"Has not my hand made all these things, and so they came into being?" declares the LORD. "This is the one I esteem: he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word." – Isaiah 66:2
I'm more than likely NT, though my mother is undiagnosed Aspie.
Ive been dating an Aspie guy for a few months- I didn't know at first and he wont discuss it.
We have reached an impasse and he has left me hanging. Is this normal for an Aspie to just panic and take weeks off?
I want to write but don't want to pile more stress on him.
Dammit, I just wanna know he's ok! Its hurting more than any bluntness to suddenly lose him like this.
I miss him, even if we only end up as friends.
All my friends tell me to get over him, which I will in time. Can any Aspies explain this behavior to me?
Is it typical?
Are you able to comprehend how hurtful it is to the other person?
Thanks.
I wonder how many other people are like me in this regard?
In other words, Faithfilly, I agree with you, though in person works better for me. Its more real that way.
i think the letter's a good idea, whenever i try to explain something i feel to someone, it always comes out not how i want it to, then i feel embarrased. whereas with a letter, i wouldn't feel that way.
he sounds like a nice guy. if he knows you're autistic/different, and if he can see how much stress this is causing you, he'll be understanding and comforting. i don't think it will end messy.
i think you'll be ok :]
Is it typical?
Are you able to comprehend how hurtful it is to the other person?
Thanks.
sometimes when i feel really low, i avoid my friends. i don't want to tell them how i am, because i don't want to bring them down.
i don't know if this is typical, or if it's just me, as i have yet to meet or talk to another aspie.
sometimes it's difficult to explain how i'm feeling about something, and i get paranoid that if they see how difficult it is for me to explain, they may just believe i'm lying. and it doesn't always come to mind that i could be hurting someone by keeping them in the dark, until they make me aware of how they're feeling.
sorry if i'm rambling, i'm not sure if i have much understanding of these things, there could be many reasons why he's not talking, but just let him know you're there for him.
Daemonic-Jackal
Veteran
Joined: 15 Feb 2009
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 581
Location: Salford, United Kingdom
So we have become really close and I have no objections to that. Although since I met him Ive had this feeling that I couldnt spend the rest of my life with him but I cant work out why. Last night he kissed me on the lips and although Ive been fantasizing about my first kiss for years it just felt odd and I didnt move. I was waiting for the urge to join in and the amazing feeling people say you get kissing someone and I felt neither. After the first time he said am I allowed to do this. and I said yes because I didnt dislike it just couldnt comprehend it. He tried a few more times but it was like he was kissing my lips waiting for them to respond and I hadnt a clue what was happening and dont know that I moved my lips though I may have done.
Anyway I say alot to him via email and I have told him some things which he calls strange emails which are about how he makes me feel awkward with prolonged eyecontact etc because I have AS. He has accepted these emails but Ive read its not good to say things like this via email it is better to have a verbal conversation in the same room but when these things bother me I just can find the words to explain myself.
I have been having sleepless nights trying to work out how to tell him I dont love him and although Im not unhappy he shouldnt hope for serious relationship with me. As I can see the longer it goes on the more messy it will end.
I know I wont be able to just say it to him but wonder if a letter would be better than an email. By that I was thinking a letter which I hand to him and stay with him until he's read it in case he wants to discuss it. What do you think of the following, is it clear enough? Does it end ok? Would it be ok printed out and handed to him?
I enjoy spending time with you and think you are a really good friend. Although I cant find any faults in you Ive never thought you were The One for me . As far as I can tell you like me more than I like you and it worries me to think I am leading you on. I would hate to lose you from my life but at the same time don’t believe I could have a serious relationship with you
If you realise that turning someone down via email isn't acceptable then you should realise that a letter isn't either. The only difference is that's one's electronic, the other is hand written.
By all means turn him if down if you know for certain that you feel nothing for him, but at least show the guy some respect by actually having the decency to tell him in person face to face, think about how you would feel if the situation was reversed.
_________________
"Every cripple has his own way of walking. " ? Brendan Behan
http://www.facebook.com/YentonianCarlos
My vote is for telling him. In whatever way you can. That's what I've wished for all my relationships. Only a few ended that way. I appreciated the direct approach when it was done. Clear and precise. Not the one, can be friends. Okay. Understood. Can't force somebody to love you. Move on, but stay friends. Cool.
Now, whether or not this guy is like me in that regard, no clue. We are individuals, and I celebrate that! ![]()
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AQ: 32; EIQ: 69; BAPQ: 114 aloof, 86 rigid, 90 pragmatic
Aspie AS, NT: 109/200, 100/200 (Both traits)
EQ, SQ: 21, 67 (Extreme Systemizing); HSP: 12
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