Advice for NT in a relationship with an Aspie?

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I'm new to this, so I'll start off by saying that I don't know all of the etiquette for this sort of thing (I mean discussion forums in general, not just this specific one). I don't intend to step on any toes, so just let me know if I offend anyone.

I'm here because my boyfriend has Aspergers Syndrome. Is there any general advice you all can give me? Anything you think I should know? We've had problems in the past that were most likely AS related, but I just never thought about it that way. I really want to prevent problems in the future, or at least know how help him.

you are doing fine so far. i'm sure some people will be able to tell you some great general advice, but we will be able to tailor the advice better if we know what some of the specific problems have been. each aspie is unique and may face different sorts of challenges.

Well, a lot of his problems actually seem to be the opposite of what you might expect from someone with AS, because he "overcorrects". For example, when we first met he had a lot of trouble with physical contact, and now he is almost too touchy with everyone.

One problem in particular has been his lack of boundaries with other girls. He was brought up by females only and there for feels much more comfortable with them socially. I am completely fine with the fact that he has female friends. However he sometimes oversteps boundaries with them, such as being too touchy or invading their personal space. I think it is difficult for him to find a happy medium between having a panic attack over a handshake and snuggling with everyone.

I wouldn't have a problem with the touching because I know that he means nothing by it, but it gives the other girls the wrong idea.

I don't fully understand everything about AS, so it's difficult for me to be really specific. But that's why I'm here.

if he is feeling overwhelmed, be understanding leave him alone for an hour

well.... i would probably not be comfortable if my boyfriend was snuggling with other women. i understand that he doesn't mean anything by it, but if a woman takes it one way, she could try to seduce him. if she takes it another way, she could become quite upset. which way have they seemed to take it so far?

it does sound like an AS thing as some of us do have difficulty with boundaries (2 aspies i've met have restraining orders of one kind or another). a few aspies on this board have complained of their intentions being misconstrued too - they may get labeled as "creepy" or "stalkerish".

how does it make you feel when he is touchy-feely with these women?

I'm not the jealous type, so I usually look past it. It does get frustrating when I have to listen to other girls who obviously don't understand the situation say things like, "Why do you put up with that?" "Do you think he'll cheat on you?" I just really don't want people to get the wrong idea about him or us.

i think if you have a problem with him 'cuddling' up to other girls you should let him know. if his behavior doesnt change after you've told him, you should consider breaking up with him. having asperger's is hardly an excuse to be in a relationship with 1 girl, and still cuddle with other girls. i mean.. a friendly hug or w/e is fine, but if hes 'snuggling' with people who are sitting down, thats completely and totally unacceptable, and you shouldnt put up with it at all.

A friendly hug with a male or female friend is fine but the nature of these hugs sound like they imply something more and the fact that he is persistent shows that he doesn't really respect you.

I could say that he doesn't realize the social boundaries and doesn't realize that he could be implying something else but there isn't any excuse for that type of behavior, it's still unacceptable and you need to make it clear to him. In any case, he thinks that it is acceptable behavior and will push the limits even further if he thinks he can get away with it, establish the boundaries or leave him if he doesn't respect your boundaries.

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Good luck!

I have a similar problem with certain guys. One guy I live with is quite hot and he knows I think this way. I used to be quite 'hands on' with him (touching him, hugging, standing right behind him in a suggestive manner). Now, he knows I'm only being flirtatious (and he knows I have AS) but after a while it started to make him feel uncomfortable and I noticed him saying things like "enough of that" and "can you just leave me alone please". In these situations I'd just laugh as if to say "I'm only playing" but after a while I realised he was being serious and understood that I needed to respect his boundaries a bit more. What seemed like flirtatious fun to me soon turned in to encroaching behaviour to him. So what I do now sometimes when I walk past him is just gently poke him on the arm or just leave him completely be. A similar thing happened with another guy at work only this time the whole process played out much faster because I have learned to respect other peoples boundaries more. What I will do from now on is perhaps flirt with a guy a *little bit* but if it's not reciprocated and I feel he's not interested I'll drop it immediately. This approach has helped me keep the boundaries in place and therefore the friendships.
What I have learnt from this is that it's not all about what I want and about how I feel, it's about what they feel too. Yeah I want to give some people a hug and cop a feel but I know they don't want that now and their friendship means more to me than my urge to be playful and flirtatious.

What I would suggest is discussing this with him. Let him see there are two sides to it; his side where he sees it as normal behaviour. It makes him feel comfortable as it's what he is used to, he probably sees no problem with it as perhaps nobody has ever had a problem with it or at least not expressed that they have.
Then there's the other side; the other women he does this with may either feel like their boundaries are being breached or they may feel he is being playful or perhaps even flirtatious. Also there's you and how you feel about it and how others perceive you two as a couple when he behaves like this. Expressing how you feel about it and how it makes him look, in a rational and understanding way, may be the best way to approach it. Think of it as an education in relationship etiquette.

This however is just advice. Collect some more from us and take the approach you feel is the right one.