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23 Feb 2012, 1:28 pm
23 Feb 2012, 1:43 pm
23 Feb 2012, 1:45 pm
AardvarkGoodSwimmer
Veteran
Joined: 26 Apr 2009
Age: 63
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,665
Location: Houston, Texas
23 Feb 2012, 1:50 pm
23 Feb 2012, 3:00 pm
23 Feb 2012, 3:09 pm
As an NT married to someone who's possibly an Aspie, I just want to say that it is really hard. The first few years of our relationship was rocky — I think more so on my end than on his end. I don't want to say too much because I don't know anything about your particular situation but my husband did give me some advice that took me years to adapt, not for a lack of trying, but just because I wasn't programmed that way. I apologize ahead of time if you've already been told/tried these things:
1. Have you been straight with him about how you feel in terms of his affections? I know you said:
jbell wrote:
He says the reason he was able to be affectionate during our dating is because he knew he had to.
So, I take it you have talked about it somewhat but, have you talked specifically about each time you felt he wasn't responding to your affections? My husband is affectionate in that he hugs and kisses me but I do feel as though he doesn't understand intimacy and romance like other guys I'd been with in the past. So, I've had to go through scenarios with him and told him what I would appreciate if we were in those situations. For example, I have to be specific about what I want him to do during a special occasion like a birthday. Unfortunately for me, he doesn't understand hints. If I say, "I don't want anything" but I really do, he doesn't understand that. I have to say, give me flowers for my birthday. Then, he'll do it. I know that's not what you asked about but I'm simply illustrating the type of conversations my husband and I have to have. You could try to say to him, "You know, when I hug you, I like it when you -fill in the blank- (hug me back, kiss me, etc.)." I know it seems like it would not be genuine because you are telling him what to do but when he does it, you may find he is being genuine, he may have just not known the proper reaction. This is a little personal but, my husband has no problem with his libido, if you know what I mean, but I told him in my eyes, sex is not always affection. I said, I feel like he needs to give me more than just sex. So, I've had to tell him myself, when I cuddle up to him, I would like it if he cuddled back. When he wants sex, he has no problem spelling it out for me. When I want affection, it's not easy for me to just ask for it. I wasn't programmed that way and I find it strange, even embarrassing, to have to ask him. But he does it when I do. It sounds weird but when I say to him, "I want to cuddle." He says okay and we do it and it is genuine. It's not forced or anything. Your situation may be different but, I've really had to learn to spell out what I expect from him.
2. When you are upset, make sure you tell him right away, as calm as possible and as logical as possible. Try to leave emotion out of it. Don't give him hints or use body language. My husband always misinterprets my quirks and I always thought he wasn't trying hard enough to get to know me but, Aspies have a hard time reading subtle body language or they misinterpret what's "between the lines." Just be straight with him and say, "This is what I'm feeling" or "I'm upset because I hugged you and you didn't hug me back."
3. Make sure you make it clear that what you're saying is from your point-of-view and do not state it as a statement. In the beginning of our relationship, I'd say things like, "You never show me affection. You never think about me." He took offense to that because he said I was assuming that he never thought about me or that he didn't show me affection. What I was really trying to say was that, when he doesn't do certain things for me, I felt as though he didn't care about me. And, it turned out, he and I had different ideas of affection. Does this make sense? Aspies can be very literal. Choose your words careful. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Make sure you're clear when you're stating a fact versus an opinion.
4. Like I said in the end of no. 1, it is hard and I've really had to make some changes. It's frustrating sometimes to feel like you're the one who has to change so much for the other person but, it's only recently that I felt like he's finally starting to absorb some of what I said and is actually making an effort to change. The way he is now with me and our daughter, is far from how he was even several months ago. It's difficult. It's frustrating. But, it only gets better with time, effort and clear communication. I know people say that about non-Aspie relationships but, it's true, if not even MORE true in NT-AS relationships.
I don't know about you but sometimes, I feel like I put up with a lot. And a lot of my friends and family don't get what's going on so, they ask me why I stick around. I'm so grateful I found this forum because my husband I just went through a situation a few days ago that no one in my immediate circle could understand and no one could advise me on. This forum really helped. So, that's another thing, I guess. Just talk to people who may have been in your husband's shoes or who can give you a more personal perspective rather than the general ones we get from professionals, books and the Internet. But, you're already doing that so, I guess it's pointless to have said that.
I just want to emphasize that with effort it can work. It's hard but it can work. And, it may take a while.
24 Feb 2012, 7:00 am
24 Feb 2012, 9:52 am
24 Feb 2012, 9:58 am
24 Feb 2012, 10:49 am
24 Feb 2012, 1:52 pm
jbell wrote:
Since we married he has not been able to say "I love you" or show me affection. He can't/won't even give me a hug, I hug him but it is like hugging a wall.
I have a lot of difficlty using those words too and to this day will not say them to my mother. However, I've usually been able to say them to my romantic partner (barring when I am very sad or upset.. I just feel like they are an expression of happiness and saying them at any other time sullies the meaningfullness). So I sort of understand where he's coming from yet at the same time it seems like strange behavior towards a partner. I have trouble saying it when my emotions don't feel as deeply as I believe the word implies but that shouldn't be the case with a partner. It can be difficult for many people on the spectrum to open up or form bonds with people but for the most part, once they do it's strong. (Exceptions to every rule of course.) Someone who has no desire to even hug his partner, though, makes me wonder why he wanted a partner in the first place.
jbell wrote:
He says the reason he was able to be affectionate during our dating is because he knew he had to.
This right here makes me think somewhere along the lines of what loco467 said. He may not realize that those sorts of things are needed to continue a romantic relationship, only to aquire one. Try talking to him as clearly as possible, if you think you're being extremely clear, multiply by 10
and explaining to him that you need this and it's an inextricable part of your relationship and try to impress opon him that he DOES still need to do it for you.
Again, I am quite confused as to what he wants out of this relationship if it is not physical closeness. Someone who doesn't desire a romatic relationship at all, I can understand. Or a sexual one. But why one of those would get married seems very confusing. I can't seem to comprehend a mixture of the kind of person who does desire an intimate relationship of somesort yet no closeness or affection
24 Feb 2012, 2:20 pm
27 Feb 2012, 4:26 am
27 Feb 2012, 11:15 am
loco467 wrote:
As an NT married to someone who's possibly an Aspie, I just want to say that it is really hard. The first few years of our relationship was rocky — I think more so on my end than on his end. I don't want to say too much because I don't know anything about your particular situation but my husband did give me some advice that took me years to adapt, not for a lack of trying, but just because I wasn't programmed that way. I apologize ahead of time if you've already been told/tried these things:
1. Have you been straight with him about how you feel in terms of his affections? I know you said:
So, I take it you have talked about it somewhat but, have you talked specifically about each time you felt he wasn't responding to your affections? My husband is affectionate in that he hugs and kisses me but I do feel as though he doesn't understand intimacy and romance like other guys I'd been with in the past. So, I've had to go through scenarios with him and told him what I would appreciate if we were in those situations. For example, I have to be specific about what I want him to do during a special occasion like a birthday. Unfortunately for me, he doesn't understand hints. If I say, "I don't want anything" but I really do, he doesn't understand that. I have to say, give me flowers for my birthday. Then, he'll do it. I know that's not what you asked about but I'm simply illustrating the type of conversations my husband and I have to have. You could try to say to him, "You know, when I hug you, I like it when you -fill in the blank- (hug me back, kiss me, etc.)." I know it seems like it would not be genuine because you are telling him what to do but when he does it, you may find he is being genuine, he may have just not known the proper reaction. This is a little personal but, my husband has no problem with his libido, if you know what I mean, but I told him in my eyes, sex is not always affection. I said, I feel like he needs to give me more than just sex. So, I've had to tell him myself, when I cuddle up to him, I would like it if he cuddled back. When he wants sex, he has no problem spelling it out for me. When I want affection, it's not easy for me to just ask for it. I wasn't programmed that way and I find it strange, even embarrassing, to have to ask him. But he does it when I do. It sounds weird but when I say to him, "I want to cuddle." He says okay and we do it and it is genuine. It's not forced or anything. Your situation may be different but, I've really had to learn to spell out what I expect from him.
2. When you are upset, make sure you tell him right away, as calm as possible and as logical as possible. Try to leave emotion out of it. Don't give him hints or use body language. My husband always misinterprets my quirks and I always thought he wasn't trying hard enough to get to know me but, Aspies have a hard time reading subtle body language or they misinterpret what's "between the lines." Just be straight with him and say, "This is what I'm feeling" or "I'm upset because I hugged you and you didn't hug me back."
3. Make sure you make it clear that what you're saying is from your point-of-view and do not state it as a statement. In the beginning of our relationship, I'd say things like, "You never show me affection. You never think about me." He took offense to that because he said I was assuming that he never thought about me or that he didn't show me affection. What I was really trying to say was that, when he doesn't do certain things for me, I felt as though he didn't care about me. And, it turned out, he and I had different ideas of affection. Does this make sense? Aspies can be very literal. Choose your words careful. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Make sure you're clear when you're stating a fact versus an opinion.
4. Like I said in the end of no. 1, it is hard and I've really had to make some changes. It's frustrating sometimes to feel like you're the one who has to change so much for the other person but, it's only recently that I felt like he's finally starting to absorb some of what I said and is actually making an effort to change. The way he is now with me and our daughter, is far from how he was even several months ago. It's difficult. It's frustrating. But, it only gets better with time, effort and clear communication. I know people say that about non-Aspie relationships but, it's true, if not even MORE true in NT-AS relationships.
I don't know about you but sometimes, I feel like I put up with a lot. And a lot of my friends and family don't get what's going on so, they ask me why I stick around. I'm so grateful I found this forum because my husband I just went through a situation a few days ago that no one in my immediate circle could understand and no one could advise me on. This forum really helped. So, that's another thing, I guess. Just talk to people who may have been in your husband's shoes or who can give you a more personal perspective rather than the general ones we get from professionals, books and the Internet. But, you're already doing that so, I guess it's pointless to have said that.
I just want to emphasize that with effort it can work. It's hard but it can work. And, it may take a while.
1. Have you been straight with him about how you feel in terms of his affections? I know you said:
jbell wrote:
He says the reason he was able to be affectionate during our dating is because he knew he had to.
So, I take it you have talked about it somewhat but, have you talked specifically about each time you felt he wasn't responding to your affections? My husband is affectionate in that he hugs and kisses me but I do feel as though he doesn't understand intimacy and romance like other guys I'd been with in the past. So, I've had to go through scenarios with him and told him what I would appreciate if we were in those situations. For example, I have to be specific about what I want him to do during a special occasion like a birthday. Unfortunately for me, he doesn't understand hints. If I say, "I don't want anything" but I really do, he doesn't understand that. I have to say, give me flowers for my birthday. Then, he'll do it. I know that's not what you asked about but I'm simply illustrating the type of conversations my husband and I have to have. You could try to say to him, "You know, when I hug you, I like it when you -fill in the blank- (hug me back, kiss me, etc.)." I know it seems like it would not be genuine because you are telling him what to do but when he does it, you may find he is being genuine, he may have just not known the proper reaction. This is a little personal but, my husband has no problem with his libido, if you know what I mean, but I told him in my eyes, sex is not always affection. I said, I feel like he needs to give me more than just sex. So, I've had to tell him myself, when I cuddle up to him, I would like it if he cuddled back. When he wants sex, he has no problem spelling it out for me. When I want affection, it's not easy for me to just ask for it. I wasn't programmed that way and I find it strange, even embarrassing, to have to ask him. But he does it when I do. It sounds weird but when I say to him, "I want to cuddle." He says okay and we do it and it is genuine. It's not forced or anything. Your situation may be different but, I've really had to learn to spell out what I expect from him.
2. When you are upset, make sure you tell him right away, as calm as possible and as logical as possible. Try to leave emotion out of it. Don't give him hints or use body language. My husband always misinterprets my quirks and I always thought he wasn't trying hard enough to get to know me but, Aspies have a hard time reading subtle body language or they misinterpret what's "between the lines." Just be straight with him and say, "This is what I'm feeling" or "I'm upset because I hugged you and you didn't hug me back."
3. Make sure you make it clear that what you're saying is from your point-of-view and do not state it as a statement. In the beginning of our relationship, I'd say things like, "You never show me affection. You never think about me." He took offense to that because he said I was assuming that he never thought about me or that he didn't show me affection. What I was really trying to say was that, when he doesn't do certain things for me, I felt as though he didn't care about me. And, it turned out, he and I had different ideas of affection. Does this make sense? Aspies can be very literal. Choose your words careful. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Make sure you're clear when you're stating a fact versus an opinion.
4. Like I said in the end of no. 1, it is hard and I've really had to make some changes. It's frustrating sometimes to feel like you're the one who has to change so much for the other person but, it's only recently that I felt like he's finally starting to absorb some of what I said and is actually making an effort to change. The way he is now with me and our daughter, is far from how he was even several months ago. It's difficult. It's frustrating. But, it only gets better with time, effort and clear communication. I know people say that about non-Aspie relationships but, it's true, if not even MORE true in NT-AS relationships.
I don't know about you but sometimes, I feel like I put up with a lot. And a lot of my friends and family don't get what's going on so, they ask me why I stick around. I'm so grateful I found this forum because my husband I just went through a situation a few days ago that no one in my immediate circle could understand and no one could advise me on. This forum really helped. So, that's another thing, I guess. Just talk to people who may have been in your husband's shoes or who can give you a more personal perspective rather than the general ones we get from professionals, books and the Internet. But, you're already doing that so, I guess it's pointless to have said that.
I just want to emphasize that with effort it can work. It's hard but it can work. And, it may take a while.
Try hugging him. Im serious. you might feel like you're hugging a rock but trust me doing that everyday might improve things dramatically. Aspies have a very difficult time verbalizing their thoughts and showing other how much they truly care about them so use physical visual action.. Your marriage is probably better than you think. He probably has a very difficult time showing how he cares for you. I always feel like in a bubble trying to tell people how I care for them.
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 35,278
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
27 Feb 2012, 1:15 pm
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