Although I scored mid-range AS on various tests, we all know that certain specific AS traits are extreme and others are mild, and which traits are which depends on the individual. Well, one of my most extreme traits is the inability to make good impression on someone. Now, before you say "every Aspie has that", let me add that I can't even come accross as impressive in type, such as when writing someone for the first time on a dating website.
It's not just that I can't think of anything truly interesting to type, in introducing myself, but that I get a TOTALLY BLANK in my mind. Most people can a least think of mediocre things to say, but I think of NO WORDS AT ALL. So, I borrow the oldest cliche phrases that exist, and in that I might as well have not written anything at all to the girl I'm trying to interest. I've decided to face it: I need an Aspie. Some Aspies do not need another Aspie, as has been attested on this site several times, but I'm one of those who do. I CANNOT make NT's comfortable -- any NT's.
Probably the significant part of my personality that makes it impossible is: I don't just approach people the same way, but am randomly dynamic -- all over the map -- as the seconds pass. In other words, as soon as an NT I'm talking to seems to calm down and accept one of my quirks of communication, I suddenly add another, and another, and so on -- so that they NEVER get used to me. I don't think this is deliberate on my part, I just compulsively do it out of nervousness. My AS level soars up and down continuously, even several times in a single conversation.
So, it's not just me having weird eye-contact, but having a whole, ever-changing array of odd interpersonal mannerisms -- as soon as I stop one, another starts. And even when I manage to supress them all simultaneously, the stress on my face from that effort gives me away, and scares them away. I've had girls look horrified when I've asked them out in person, even after several minutes of friendly conversation between us. They become speechless, other than saying: "What???" while they scramble to think of some excuse. I can't successfully hide my lack of confidence when I ask someone out, no matter how aware I am of how important this is to do.
In contrast, the few Aspies I've written to are right on my wavelength, and understand and appreciate what I think of to write. I think that's a clear sign I'd be better off with as Aspie girl -- as difficult to find as those are. I'm waiting for the Aspie dating sites like Aspie Affection to grow substantially...
09 Jan 2007, 10:41 am
