With the wrong person?

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I figure the signs are all there sometimes that I amwith the RIGHT person..... but something inside says I am with the WRONG person...

How do i know it just isn't ME? Something WRONG with me??

I used to be the gigglyist, happiest person, that anyone knew.... people would allways aske me "what are YOU on??"

Now I try to be that person, but rare is a laugh from my lips...

One thing wrong, is my boyfriend is allways projecting the past argments with his exes, onto me... making me out to be someone I am NOT, and never giving me credit for who I AM..... Geeze, I wouldn't like me either if I was the way he makes me out to be...

One example, watching a movie the other day... It had the corniest non stop annoying music and acting, so my friends and I had turned it off the last time we tried to watch it.. I told him this, and he says, "you are just jealouse of the nudity"... but I could care LESS about that stuff.... so to those in the room, he has now painted me as jealous and insecure... to those in the room I cannot be myself... he has made me out to be someone else, so i can't be me.... this happens in every area of life it seems now, so I can't shine and be the real me....

I thought no one got before... that as an Aspie I was alone in this world... but I wasn't... people GOT me before.. they laughed AT me AND WITH me.... they saw me as different, but at least as I TRULY AM.... This assination of my identity has me soooo down.

So..... am I just being an ego tripper, or maybe is this just not the person for me? I feel his baggage from other people has been tossed into my hands and I can't carry it.

I just wanna be the silly goofball who may be odd and quirky, but at least people love and respect....

i have never felt so lonely in my life... I am lonley for the REAL me back...

I wanted to be with a fellow Aspie so bad because I didn't want someone to have to put up with this silly humming, singing, noise imitating parrot girl..... now I am thinking, I would rather be alone than lonley.

BUT.... BUT.... could it just be ME?? Something wrong, like depression or something, that is making me think it is the relationship that is wrong??

Am I taking to much too personally??

I really love him, but I feel so alone and like I lost myself somewhere...

HELP!

I can sympathise with this a lot, as this is something that usually men have to put with from women. People who constantly blame their behaviour (and making unfair comparisons towards their current partners) on their ex's are just using that as a form of justification to act how they want, with no thoughts for the other persons feelings. Trust me, I know as I have been there.

You need to tell him to seriously change his attitude, that you are your own person and you won't keep putting up with the unearned baggage that he is placing on you.

Sounds like he's got a transference problem, and can't quite distinguish between you and one or two of his ex partners. I'd be tempted to also look at what his relationship with his mother was like. Some folks believe that men hardly ever glimpse the girl they're actually with, and that they'll carry on their unfinished business unconsciously, and never know why their relationships get so toxic.

I guess a good counsellor might be rather useful here, if you can find one. They could help you to find out whether you're correct about the nature of the problem, and if so they might be able to help you bring it into his consciousness.

Failing that, maybe it would help to just say "you're doing it AGAIN! How many times do I have to tell you that I'm not [insert previous partner's name]" If he doesn't understand that, explain it, and hold your ground. Constant dripping wears away the hardest stone.

I've long had a belief that the current partner tends to get it in the neck for the problems of previous partners, though from what you've written I can't see anything particualrly traumatic or profound being echoed.....I don't wish to belittle your sorrow at the way he's treating you - by trauma and profundity I mean the way he feels because of his past......I rather thought that such problems were usually rooted in something rather stronger.

Anyway, if the relationship is making you miserable, I think you need to do your best to resolve it, and if it doesn't work out and you're still unhappy after that, get ready to end it. Sometimes the threat of separation brings the offending partner to their senses, if they take it seriously. I'd tell him right now that you're unhappy with the way things are, and that you don't want to be that way for the rest of your life. Then if it's no better in a few weeks, remind him of what you said and how he's ignored it, and give out a clear warning that you'll be voting with your feet if it stays as it is.

But for God's sake don't focus too completely on his faults. People have strong pride and are unlikely to relate to an "I'm OK, you're not OK" stance, even if it seems accurate to the complainant, so don't be coy about putting your own faults on the table too, whatever they might be.

That's exactly why I say that Aspie girls shouldn't be with Aspie guys in relationships just because they happen to have the same condition. You're better off with a psychologically sane NT if you don't want to feel loneliness.

true, you know you are lonley when you burst into tears at the gas station in the middle of the night because the lady makes eye contact, and it has been so long since you felt that human connection that you burst out crying........

This is gonna be so hard to either FIX, or get out of....

Yeah, every night, he is happy as a clam, sleeping like a baby, while I haven't slept in weeks, and am so sleep deprived and miserable that i don't even look like myself right now... This truly sucks.

I have been doing that to the extent that I take the fall for everything, and have turned into a human door mat and emotional punching bag....

I feel like I am walking on egg shells,and I couldn't say anything now if I wanted too....

Toxic is definatly the right word.

I just feel so trapped... I think he is too comfortable... everything is too convienient for him, and there is nothing in this for me... just trapped...

You know. It is perfectly possible to be someone without needing a complex relationship, especially one that is repressing your character. You will probably find you are perfeclty functional on your own in the absence of such a relationship.

It sounds like you need to get out of the relationship before you burn out of it. Also, in the process you will be doing him a favour. Particularly if you point out to him all the unhappness and misery it has put you through to sustain his unbalanced relationship.

Do you mean you're out of the habit of giving criticism and standing your ground? Sorry if I sounded like I was assuming you were nagging him or something.....I was just trying to give general advice there, just in case, but I see it's not the problem.

It's a worrying situation though, if you're unable to have a say in how the relationship is run. I guess if he just won't listen to you about your needs, all you can do is accept your fate or reject it and move on. Is there any way you feel you could warn him that he's in danger of losing you? Or would you fear saying that to him?

Obviously I cannot know how much of your perception of the situation is correct, so is it you or him? Don't know.
One thing that does sound clear though is that the RELATIONSHIP certainly is toxic to you in its current form.

I think it is BOTH of us..... I think we BOTH are super sensitive at times.... for people who should understand each pther the MOST, we go into automatic mode etc.... when we can bring each other back down to earth and analize things, we can usually at least admit we are BOTH wrong...

On the up side, every time we have a misunderstanding, it gets resolved faster, we appologize sooner, and it hurts less...

Maybe this is just a meshing together of two people.... two very stubborn people??

Nobody is compatible with me.

OP, when you make statements like the ones above, I doubt that the problem is simply that you're both stubborn people. It really is much better to be alone than to be with the wrong person - and try to keep in mind that those aren't necessarily your only choices. I know when you're contemplating ending a relationship that it seems like your choice is stay with someone - miserably - or to commit your soul to the shrieking nothingness of singledom. But that's not reality - this is: ending a relationship that's not making you happy will free you to find someone you can have a healthy, productive relationship with. Trust me on this: you never know when love is just around the corner. And when you meet that great guy, something will remind you of your ex....how he used to blame you for everything, how he embarrassed you in front of your friends, how he expected you to do all the compromising....even something as simple as an unflattering picture of him (morning hair, gut drooping over the shorts, hungover, whatever) - and you'll wonder why you waited so long to set yourself free.

Well... we had "the talk"...... will see if he stops convicting me of the crimes people commited against him in his past soon enough I guess....

Hopefully he can see the real me again... otherwise it is just a waiting game...

I want it to work.

I am hoping it was because he wasn't working all winter, (just started back today) and I was paying for everything, that he will start chipping in now and show me some appreciation.

I just wanted to be with a fellow Aspie so bad.... I think with a normal person, I will be the one spending too much time sucked into the computer and projects and not giving them enough of me....

We'll see...... all hope isn't lost yet, at least the cards are on the table now.

Thanks everyone for the much needed feed back.

Well, unemployment can make certain men resent the women who support them. IMO, that's a particularly male response (not necessarily a common male response, but women seem to feel more guilt about being supported - involuntarily - than resentment).

I hope he gets his act together, but there isn't necessarily any more success associated with Aspie/Aspie relationships. I mean, if you can look at it from the opposite perspective, what would you think of someone who said, "I just want to be with a fellow NT so badly...?" NTs come in all varieties - just like Aspies. Neurological status is just one component of a person, and having that component in common can be a pretty small part of what makes a successful relationship. Character, kindness, honesty, fidelity, maturity, willingness to grow, change, commit - are all really important characteristics of a good mate. The quality of those characteristics vary widely among the Aspie/NT population, so I hope you can be prepared to evaluate a mate based on the totality of who he is. Good luck, hon.

Well done for talking to him about it. And good luck.