Why wont he answer me?

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I've learned a lot about AS. I've learned to be direct and ask specifically for what I want or what I want to know. So can someone explain to me why when I ask my Aspie direct questions I get nothing? I will send an email or text asking a specific quesion and get absolutely nothing. Not a "I don't know" or "let me think about it" or even a "I don't feel comfortable answering this". At first I would just ask and then wait. But after about a week you start to realize "uh, he's not going to answer me". One time I added in the email If you don't want to answer just say so. Translation: if you don't want to answer, say you don't want to answer!! But still nothing.

I have contemplated asking him what his non responsiveness is suppose to indicate. Is this a passive aggressive way of blowing me off and not answering me or what? Do you think I should ask him what it means? That would then be another question that I'm afraid he wont answer. Then what?

i'm just gonna go out of my way and be captain obvious here but it sounds like he doesn't want to awnser. might be he doesn't want to wright something though probably best to go and ask him in person.

well thank you captain obvious. However how is not answering okay? And he's written down much more serious and personal things then the trivial stuff (well I feel it's trivial) I'm asking him.

i can't know the specific situation obviously, but i have a simular problem, from his side (in your example).

if i get a message (text, mail, facebook message, *insert here*), i usually quickly read/skim it to see if it is inportant to read thouroughly and/or answer right now; if it isn't, i put it aside for later.
however, by doing that, i have left the message as 'read', meaning it doesn't show up on overvieuws, so if i have time to answer messages, i just quickly go to my several inboxes, check the amount of onreads and answer those, ignoring/forgetting the one i have put aside an hour ago.

i suspect something simular is happening in your case...

Hmmm....I did think about that. Actually I thought of every possible explanation. But I wanted some opinions. So do you think that asking again would be too pushy?

I think it's exactly as Izzeme said. It's most likely that he doesn't think the question is important, since you stated it was trivial. So in his mind he's probably thinking it doesn't need to have an answer, so he puts it to one side, most likely gets distracted and forgets to reply. I don't think that he'll be doing it intentionally though. Anyways, that's just what I think may be happening here. It's happened to me a few times, I've texted my boyfriend something and I got no reply and then when something important or serious happened, my boyfriend replied. I think this is because he feels its of more importance and that he feels he doesn't need to reply unless it's really important.

The last thing I asked was about a past relationship. Of course no response. I thought it was digging too much into the past?? idk

Possibly, he might feel uncomfortable answering. I think you should wait a while before you ask him again. To be honest what I would do in this situation is first ask myself if the question is important enough to ask and if I'd really want to know the answer. It might bother him if you ask about someone from the past, I think that's important to keep that in mind to avoid him getting upset for unnecessary reasons. If you really do want to ask him though, I'd wait til he's focused on talking to you and then ask the question because he'd be more likely to give an answer if you two are already having a conversation. He'll most likely be more able to answer if he's focused on the conversation and not distracted by anything else. If he doesn't respond to the question very well, then he may not want to talk about it.

Most times I just say, oh well guess he doesn't want to answer. But as my feelings for him have increased, I've been wanting to know more about him and the question about the past relationship was because he said it didn't go very well. I would like to know why it didn't work out so that I can possibly learn from what happened?? Maybe it isn't important?? But yeah I'll take your advice and just wait a little while before bringing it up again. I thought initially it might bring up bad memories. In my email I told him that if it was too deep all he had to do is tell me and I would move on. But he didn't respond (hence this post) so I wasn't sure if that meant he was figuring out what to say or he didn't want to answer?? Also like Izzeme says he could be opening it and then neglecting to respond, I've done that before.

I don't think it's an unimportant question, and it's a reasonable question to ask at that point in your relationship. It's not something I'd ask in an email/text. It's not always a simple question, especially if it ended badly. Better to ask these kinds of questions in person where you can choose the mood better and you can see the reaction to the question.

But the general issue of Aspie guys not answering, I don't get that either. I can see there might be many reasons for it, but ultimately it's not a way to build a relationship.

I think you just asked him a question that is way too complicated to answer.
Something like that takes thought -- relationships are awfully complex, all those layers, he is probably still trying to work it out himself...or has given up because it's so baffling.

I had to work through the same issue with my Aspie - how to interpret silence. Bottom line: it's not meant to be interpreted. Most of the time it doesn't mean anything, one way or the other, so just accept it. In all likelihood, he's not being passive-aggressive, or pouting, or seething, or dismissive. I came to translate silence as simply "not now" or "acknowledged."

Think of yourself as a transmitter and your guy as a receiver. You might be transmitting, but he's not receiving. Your box is on, his box is off. The end. Try again later - much later. Especially a question about a past relationship. Save complex emotional/social stuff for in person. Write down your questions, maybe edit them to rephrase emotive words that won't compute.

With this in mind, if you don't get a response, leave him alone. I know silence feels rude, hurtful, or insulting. But by requesting an answer, even if it's just "I don't want to answer," you are still demanding an answer, still requiring him to meet your needs. What about his needs? Who's being rude, hurtful, or insulting? Don't expect him to react and respond and behave like an NT. Let go of those expectations and patterns of thought. For whatever reason, he's not available.

Last thing to keep in mind: consider the alternatives. There are reactions worse than silence. A few times, I got horrible, shocking, vicious responses that ripped my heart out and made me wish for silence. All he meant was, "I'm freaking out and can't deal right now." But I didn't know that at the time. So after a few of those, silence was actually a huge relief.

Now that I think about it, I guess that could be a complex and involved question . If he's trying to answer then he might need some time to get his thoughts together. Not to mention who knows what happened. It could be just too painful or just a really long story.

Waitykatie-I've been coming here every day and I have read about how some partners have had some vicious and hurtful things said to them and I always thought, wow I'm glad that hasn't happened to me. I guess silence isn't so bad after all.

i think that sometimes when faced with a hard question then a person might...

...waffle on how to answer...
...spend a long time trying to think up the right response...
...struggle on how to word it...
...second-guess why the question is being asked (is it a trap?)...

by the time an appropriate answer is formulated, 4 days have passed and it seems silly to answer at that point. so we might figure.... if you really want to know you'll ask again in person or something.

it may help to ask a question on different terms. for example by framing it in terms of WHY you need to know, WHAT you're going to do with the information, WHEN you need to know it for, WHICH questions are non-negotiable, etc.

I have learned that my bf(AS undx'ed) will not answer if he doesn't want to deal with a subject, or if he is just too busy, or is he doesn't *have* an answer yet.

I am learning to deal with each of these things in different ways, all of which require adopting a more zen attitude and honest self-questioning about why I *need* an answer.

Usually, if it is about personal matters, I need to just respect that he has expressed a silent boundary. That can be hard, since as NT's we feel like certain areas of life are just automatically at least somewhat accessible to us within a relationship. This is a conditioned expectation, and though often harmless, it is not correct by virtue of being common. Maybe your guy just doesn't want to answer, and doesn't know how to express this without what he perceives to be discomfort or some other minor confrontation about *why* he doesn't want to answer. See where I'm going? He may just see it as a Pandoras box, no matter how you approach it.

Also- if receives your message when he is in the middle of his routine, he probably sidelined it. I now realize mine can only divert his attention from his routine for important issues like work, or something he knows in advance is time sensitive. I used to think he was rude; now I see that he just needs *his* time, and that I need to find communication modes that do not intrude on that.

This is all challenging, and no doubt, you are sacrificing some of the social niceties you get used to from fellow NT's. I sometimes long for that kind of effortless give and take, as well as the immediacy of that type of connection. But your AS mate has unique gifts that will provide a different type of certainty and reassurance. Most of the world can give you the NT dance steps, but Aspies are a different breed with their own special contributions to a relationship. It is worth it to explore the many possible interpretations of their behavior and choose to believe that it is benevolent if sometimes confusing.

I think our jobs as partners can sometimes include creating an emotionally safe space for our loved ones. Part of doing so is giving them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe just ask your AS mate about this, and see if he might be willing to meet you half way somehow.

This is so challenging, I know. My guy does this too, and I can feel the awful nausea of anxiety build with every hour that a message about plans goes unanswered. Sometimes I resent it because it impedes my ability to schedule my work day. But it's not cataclysmic, and when I put things in perspective, I realize that he trusts me to plan my own life on my terms without factoring in his schedule. So- anyway, I guess the point is, I *get* why his silence makes you anxious and frustrated... but be sure to choose what to push and when with utmost care. Make sure the issue is worth the strife that may result. When pushed too far, AS mates will retreat from you.