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Problem speaking to women

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AussieMatty
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30 May 2012, 12:05 am

Hey

I am having major trouble with speaking to women in general by the way of how I say things. Most of the time when they feel offended I never intend to make them offend. I am nice guy, never break laws, always want to be romantic and stuff. But the down side is having difficulty getting along with women because the way I say things that make them feel offended,

I can't believe that is my problem, is it aspie thing? I wish I don't have this speaking problem with them. It's so annoying to me because its limiting my opportunities to hang out or date with them. How I can stop talking like s**t?

Like this sucks you are in wheelchair etc. Then her reaction was 'it does not suck, thanks idiot'. This is an example etc. Other one is that is a lot of fat in that chicken etc.

Geeze, I am so sick and tired of being myself for all of this! How I can get out of this curse?



AussieMatty
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30 May 2012, 1:52 am

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPwTiQKDMcc&feature=youtu.be[/youtube]



madbirdgirl
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30 May 2012, 2:13 am

well, people like to feel awesome, smart, pretty, capable, etc. if you tell a handicapped girl that it "sucks", it draws attention to her handicap... she doesn't feel awesome, she feels like you only notice her being handicapped. you see?



AussieMatty
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30 May 2012, 2:31 am

madbirdgirl wrote:
well, people like to feel awesome, smart, pretty, capable, etc. if you tell a handicapped girl that it "sucks", it draws attention to her handicap... she doesn't feel awesome, she feels like you only notice her being handicapped. you see?


But I wasn't trying to make a big deal on that small s**t that does not bother me seriously. I wasn't even trying to be an a***hole or whatever. She called me that. But I wasn't.

Hope everyone watch the video. Its so important. It show how much problem it going on with aspies. I can't help it because it is pushing me away. How I know the 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000 rules of everything, but pushes me away?



AussieMatty
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30 May 2012, 3:41 am

[img][800:1024]http://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/461280_10150859966628806_583953805_9676047_1987197545_o.jpg[/img]



JanuaryMan
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30 May 2012, 4:20 am

AussieMatty wrote:
madbirdgirl wrote:
well, people like to feel awesome, smart, pretty, capable, etc. if you tell a handicapped girl that it "sucks", it draws attention to her handicap... she doesn't feel awesome, she feels like you only notice her being handicapped. you see?


But I wasn't trying to make a big deal on that small sh** that does not bother me seriously. I wasn't even trying to be an a***hole or whatever. She called me that. But I wasn't.

Hope everyone watch the video. Its so important. It show how much problem it going on with aspies. I can't help it because it is pushing me away. How I know the 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000 rules of everything, but pushes me away?


The thing about asking for advice, Matt, is when people give it to you, you should listen :p considering this is a girl that gave you the advice and you are asking how to talk to them, listening might help!

And.. in regards to what madbadgirl meant. It doesn't suck that this girl is in a wheelchair. Many people restricted to wheelchairs live happy, fuller lives than more physically fit people that don't need them. They can also be more capable. There are 2 things you can do to avoid saying offensive things:
1) Stop looking at stuff in an offensive or negative way.
2) If you can't do that, undertake some speech therapy or consider what impact your opinion and opinion based speech will have e.g. "Does being in a wheelchair suck? If it does do people in them want to hear it?" "Do I talk about SEEING all the time in front of a blind person?"



Berrygirl
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30 May 2012, 6:03 am

I understand, you don't mean any harm. :( I have a friend who has often insulted me accidentally when trying to compliment me : ) Maybe you could just let them do most of the talking? Try and say very neutral, polite things to encourage them which are ambiguous and indirect e.g. "How are you?", "Nice atmosphere here tonight", "How's your day going?", "So what are you up to these days?", "Any news?", "See any good films lately?". That way you don't seem too direct (being too direct can be seen as impolite when you don't really know someone). When they respond say things like 'That's interesting', 'Cool', 'Oh really?' to encourage them and hopefully they'll keep talking. Women love a good listener! I really hope you find some nice girls to talk to and that some day you meet someone who you can feel yourself with : )



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30 May 2012, 6:10 am

hey, and if you do accidentally offend them the best thing to do is to try and make joke which sort of teases yourself so that they feel more comfortable and forgiving e.g. 'Woops, I'm such a geek always saying the wrong thing' (no offense, I watched your video and you don't seem too geeky, seem like a nice guy!) or 'Man, I'm always putting my foot in it with nice girls like you!' or 'Woops, that totally came out the wrong way - do you want to whack me on the head now?' Well, she might not have a sense of humour but most people will.



AussieMatty
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30 May 2012, 6:23 am

JanuaryMan wrote:
AussieMatty wrote:
madbirdgirl wrote:
well, people like to feel awesome, smart, pretty, capable, etc. if you tell a handicapped girl that it "sucks", it draws attention to her handicap... she doesn't feel awesome, she feels like you only notice her being handicapped. you see?


But I wasn't trying to make a big deal on that small sh** that does not bother me seriously. I wasn't even trying to be an a***hole or whatever. She called me that. But I wasn't.

Hope everyone watch the video. Its so important. It show how much problem it going on with aspies. I can't help it because it is pushing me away. How I know the 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000 rules of everything, but pushes me away?


The thing about asking for advice, Matt, is when people give it to you, you should listen :p considering this is a girl that gave you the advice and you are asking how to talk to them, listening might help!

And.. in regards to what madbadgirl meant. It doesn't suck that this girl is in a wheelchair. Many people restricted to wheelchairs live happy, fuller lives than more physically fit people that don't need them. They can also be more capable. There are 2 things you can do to avoid saying offensive things:
1) Stop looking at stuff in an offensive or negative way.
2) If you can't do that, undertake some speech therapy or consider what impact your opinion and opinion based speech will have e.g. "Does being in a wheelchair suck? If it does do people in them want to hear it?" "Do I talk about SEEING all the time in front of a blind person?"


I never look at bad negative things at all. If I was that, I would not be happy at all and I would not able to talk to anyone in general. I am happy and positive and that how I reflect to people. I do totally feel about that they are happy in wheelchair. Look at me, I am hearing impaired and happy. Got same point? I can't hear! I am Happy! I don't need speech therapy. People need attitude therapy because of their bad and nasty reactions.



AussieMatty
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30 May 2012, 6:32 am

Berrygirl wrote:
I understand, you don't mean any harm. :( I have a friend who has often insulted me accidentally when trying to compliment me : ) Maybe you could just let them do most of the talking? Try and say very neutral, polite things to encourage them which are ambiguous and indirect e.g. "How are you?", "Nice atmosphere here tonight", "How's your day going?", "So what are you up to these days?", "Any news?", "See any good films lately?". That way you don't seem too direct (being too direct can be seen as impolite when you don't really know someone). When they respond say things like 'That's interesting', 'Cool', 'Oh really?' to encourage them and hopefully they'll keep talking. Women love a good listener! I really hope you find some nice girls to talk to and that some day you meet someone who you can feel yourself with : )

hey, and if you do accidentally offend them the best thing to do is to try and make joke which sort of teases yourself so that they feel more comfortable and forgiving e.g. 'Woops, I'm such a geek always saying the wrong thing' (no offense, I watched your video and you don't seem too geeky, seem like a nice guy!) or 'Man, I'm always putting my foot in it with nice girls like you!' or 'Woops, that totally came out the wrong way - do you want to whack me on the head now?' Well, she might not have a sense of humour but most people will.


I always stick to simple requests in the conversations and that. Like all the stuff you quoted as mentioned. I do try to let them talk more, but there are lack of sensitively during the interaction. Is there a difference between accidental and 'did not knew' the words are wrong? Most of the time I didn't even know it is wrong. You know that is the case. Joking about it is really offensive for me. I am not going to let to take a fool of myself! That is negative thing to do. Sense of humour is great, but not in that kind of way.



Stargazer43
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30 May 2012, 6:35 am

AussieMatty wrote:
Other one is that is a lot of fat in that chicken etc.


Lesson #1: Never mention the word "fat" in any context within 100 yards of a woman.



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30 May 2012, 6:50 am

Isolation is Salvation.



waitykatie
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30 May 2012, 7:05 am

AussieMatty wrote:
Joking about it is really offensive for me. I am not going to let to take a fool of myself! That is negative thing to do. Sense of humour is great, but not in that kind of way.

I would suggest rethinking that. EVERYONE screws up, makes a fool of themselves, says the wrong thing sometimes. Being aware of your flaws, and comfortable with them, and having an ego strong enough to be a bit self-deprecating about them, is often attractive. (Just a little - too much can be a turn-off, because overdoing it can be viewed as fishing for compliments.) It's not so much joking about your flaws, as being honest about them, which isn't negative at all. No one is perfect, and no one wants to be around a person who can't/won't recognize or admit their mistakes. Taking Berrygirl's suggestions would make people more comfortable around you, and make them more inclined to admit their own flaws and mistakes - which is how you get to know them, and develop relationships.



Berrygirl
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30 May 2012, 7:19 am

I totally understand, of course you don't want to belittle yourself and you're no fool. I suppose I'm just suggesting a way to make women feel more comfortable - this is just a sort of way we work. I don't think you should have disrespect for yourself, just to sort of appear relaxed with making fun of yourself (which actually shows you're confident in yourself) if that makes any sense? anyway, it's just a suggestion.



JanuaryMan
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30 May 2012, 7:33 am

waitykatie wrote:
AussieMatty wrote:
Joking about it is really offensive for me. I am not going to let to take a fool of myself! That is negative thing to do. Sense of humour is great, but not in that kind of way.

I would suggest rethinking that. EVERYONE screws up, makes a fool of themselves, says the wrong thing sometimes. Being aware of your flaws, and comfortable with them, and having an ego strong enough to be a bit self-deprecating about them, is often attractive. (Just a little - too much can be a turn-off, because overdoing it can be viewed as fishing for compliments.) It's not so much joking about your flaws, as being honest about them, which isn't negative at all. No one is perfect, and no one wants to be around a person who can't/won't recognize or admit their mistakes. Taking Berrygirl's suggestions would make people more comfortable around you, and make them more inclined to admit their own flaws and mistakes - which is how you get to know them, and develop relationships.


I'll agree with katie on this. Another thing is if people pick up on things or make a general swipe, including on here, don't be so quick to correct them or put them straight. We all should stand up for our rights but a little self depreciation shows you don't have a fragile ego / aren't sensitive and is more attractive. Plus if you do say anything offensive by accident you will be able to get away with it more and things generally will end up more comfortable for you.



AussieMatty
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30 May 2012, 7:44 am

Oh wow you guys that is good stuff. I didn't realised that I have to do that way!? Well I try, but a little confused about the points based on vague and that etc.