Is it Asperger's or just cowardice?

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Well, I still haven't had any luck on dating. I've messaged a few girls on OKC that looked interesting, but had zero replies. As far as asking people out in real life, that's just right out between my job and fear of social interactions. The only people I can strike up conversations with are older people and people who are already married/in commited relationships. What am I doing wrong that keeps sending me into the same wall again and again? Am I at the wrong church? Do my glasses keep others away? Is it how I dress? (I always wear a polo and khakis) Is it dumb to leave this particular thing up to God? (long story short, I decided years ago to let Him handle it) Or am I just being a coward for not wanting to approach others and being close to others?

Don't worry about being blunt and saying it's cowardice. I can take it.

Honestly it's a little of both.

Us aspies have to face rejection more often because of our social handicaps, and it creates a fear of further rejections. While I'm married now, I'm no stranger to the rejection. It is REALLY REALLY hard to cope with, and it makes us want to give up. It also encourages us to take the passive role in our relationships, stay too long in bad relationships, and settle before we find the person we really want.

To soften the impact of the rejection, I would suggest lowering your expectations from your interactions with people. Don't anticipate a romantic relationship when you approach someone; you're just approaching them to find out if they would make a good friend. That way if they blow you off, it's their problem, not yours.

I emailed a LOT of women on Match.com before I met my wife. Out of those, 4 turned into real interactions. Of those, 2 quickly blew me off after some initial interaction that seemed promising. I was crushed, devastated, but I kept doing it even though I felt totally defeated. The 3rd didn't really go anywhere for either of us, and I ended up marrying the 4th.

Keep trying. If an NT has a success rate of 1 out of 10, and an aspie has a success rate of 1 out of 100, that just means you need to work 10x harder than the NT. That sucks, but it's also cause for optimism because it means things aren't hopeless. The only way you can truly fail is by giving up.

Do not leave it up to your God.

Take hold of it and sort it for yourself.

Get your chances up by making as many attempts to meet women as possible, whilst being relaxed that each effort is just part of the process.

Don't expect too much from each encounter. Women will smell your neediness. You dont need to be needy, you are still young and if you create the opportunities (online, clubs, volunteer projects. etc.), the statistics will work out for you.

Ah. I didn't see the "leave it up to God" comment.

That's something I did a long time ago before I became an atheist. I did basically "fall into" a relationship, and because I thought God had brought her to me, I stayed with her through a lot of manipulation, abuse and cheating.

As the saying goes, God helps those who help themselves.

I guess it's only fair to clarify that God comment. I kept it short b/c I felt that the OP was starting to run a little long.

First off, I'm a Christian. I'm not one of those "try-to-convert-everything-I-talk-to" types, but I do have a sturdy personal belief in God. Basically, somewhere around my early to mid-20's, I was in the same funk I'm in now: solo and never having been on a date. (only difference was that I wasn't aware of my AS) I don't remember specifically where, but I heard in church one time to "give my difficulties to God and let Him take care of them." Since I felt that finding someone was a huge difficulty for me, I just thought "Screw it, let God handle this problem." I wasn't trying to test Him, I just felt like worrying about the issue was becoming too much of a burden to me.

On a side note, although I have no personal issue with Atheism, going that route isn't an option for me. As much as I would love to find someone to be with, my personal faith comes first. But with that said, I'm still open to opinions from all parties.

PS: I apologize if this sounded a little defensive. I'm not very used to discussing my faith in public.

Which is a common misconception, because this motto does not steam from the bible, and if you think about it, it does contradict the concept of God's grace in the christian religion.

That said, leaving things up to someone else than you is giving up control, and this will enhance your "cowardice". I wouldn't use the term, because it isn't cowardice if you are scared of things you don't know. Being scared stems from fear, and we usually fear the unknown. Us people with AS have the problem that no matter how hard we try, what comes to other people naturally is something we have to force, to immitate, to fake in order to be accepted by others: emotions. We have them. We can show them, but we usually do in other ways. If you give away control, it will stay something that is unknown. It will keep being something you fear. Now, I have no experience in dating whatsoever, so who am I to tell you how to do things? My twisted mind tells me that I cannot initiate the attempt to approach someone with romantic feelings. The rule is set that as long as they don't do it, it is an unwanted approach. And I could never ever stand the feeling to harrass someone with my presence or attempts to win them for me. The internet doesn't help much, either. I have accepted these things, and do not fight against them, I live with them. So should you. But do not trust in some higher force to intervene and change your life. Only you can do it. I would rather say: Accept the things you can't change, change the things you can't accept!

"I guess you'd call it cowardice,
but I'm not prepared to go on like this..."
Had to get that out of my system.
I believe it is both but more so of social awkwardness of looking different.

Yeah, that's why I said "as the saying goes", not "as it says in the Bible". But take James 2:14-17 for instance (emphasis mine):



Keeping this in mind, most religious people will tell you that you don't simply pray for a job and not submit any resumes, or pray for God to save the person choking next to you in a restaurant, or jump off the Empire State Building and start praying for a trampoline to materialize below, or pray for God to do your grocery shopping. So theologically speaking, it doesn't seem inconsistent to pray for the right person to come along while being proactive in your search.



I get this, and having Aspergers makes it significantly more challenging, and that much more hurtful when we deal with the rejection.

I don't have any advice with the religious aspect, beside the fact that I can't recommend the "giving it to God" approach, having tried that and wound up in a very bad situation because of it. That said, if you want to take some time off for personal development before getting back "into the game" (so to speak) that could be very good for you. Instead of focusing on finding a mate, focus on getting to know yourself, making friends and enjoying life, whatever that means for you. In a year (or whatever timetable you set) try revisiting the prospect of seeking a mate. It's not worth it to you to torture yourself over it.

That said, having Aspergers and finding yourself a mate will always be a challenge, and there will never be a time when it doesn't hurt to get rejected over and over. You need to go into it knowing this, and prepare yourself mentally for it. Guard your emotions and try not to get your hopes up too early in a potential relationship. Set limits; you will be beat up and worn down more than you can possibly stand. If you need to take time off to heal your wounds, don't feel like you're giving up; take as much time as you need and then get back in there. Perseverance is the key, as well as constantly pushing your personal comfort zone no matter how awkward and embarrassed it makes you feel, and no matter how many funny stares and cold shoulders it wins you. If they're going to treat you like that, they're not worth YOUR time. Remember that.

You won't always succeed at this, but you cannot beat yourself up for it. Reward yourself for small successes. If you see a pretty girl in a bookstore and manage to work up the courage to talk to her, even if she looks at you funny and walks away, it may hurt like hell, but give yourself a pat on the back for trying.



Oh, no, I didn't mean that becoming an atheist helped me find my wife! If anything my wife thinks I'm too intense over this "atheism thing" and need to relax a little. That "conversion" actually happened later on in my life, after a long period of "soul"-searching (as it were). After several years out of the church I was content to be semi-agnostic, non-practicing, vaguely religious until I realized I couldn't defend my position to much of anyone. I approached it with the intent of strengthening and renewing my commitment to God, but after a lot of hard questioning, I just happened to come out on the other side.



Don't worry about it. You're among friends.