Just ticked off my boyfriend....

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Oookay, I'm an Aspie female, but my long-term boyfriend knows this and is okay with it. But occasionally we do have fights, and a lot of them are caused by misunderstandings.

And I think another one of those is happening right now. We both just got home from work, he was going to come by my apartment because he wanted sex. I was fine with that and told him to come over. I was a little tired and my knee was hurting, so I was lying in bed when he came in.

So, he came in and we cuddled and talked. I did say that I was tired, and he asked, "Well, can I still have you naked?" and I said sure, it was fine. And it was fine. I had no problem with us having sex this morning. So he just kinda laid there with his arms around me and he was said, "This is is nice" and I agreed. We just kinda laid there silently for a little while, he kinda touched my face and played with my hair, and I just closed my eyes. I thought everything was fine. It was just sort of relaxing laying there with him like that.

Then, he abruptly gets up without a word, and leaves my apartment. Just like that! I was kinda shocked. I sort of wondered if maybe he thought I'd fallen asleep. I didn't know what to do, so I didn't go after him or anything. Then I get a text message from him saying, "I guess I need that whore after all..."

(A note about the text: We sometimes joke that he should just go find someone to screw if he's really feeling the urge. He has a much bigger need for sex than I do.)

So... yeah. Looks like I pissed him off. Again. This happens a lot, and every time, I tell him to stop jumping to conclusions and just be direct with me. Once he got mad because I wasn't responding to him touching my face, I didn't realize that that meant he wanted sex right then. He said, "Well, you should have known that" I said that I was sorry, that I had not picked up on it, and that he needed to tell me when he wanted sex.

Is this so unreasonable? Right now, I'm a little ticked off myself. I feel like it's constant drama with him. He jumps to conclusions, storms out, mopes, and then I have to talk it all out and explain it to him. We kiss and make up... only to have it happen AGAIN later. I love the guy, but I'm getting sick of the drama.

I'd appreciate any advice, or criticism, as long as it's constructive. I want to fix this!

That is my aspie curse. I miss hints because I'm so black and white. I'm not stupid but I like things spelled out. Heaven forbid I should may a play for sex with some body and they didn't want it! I guess, for an NT to go, "Hey, I would like sex now. Put away whatever you're doing and let's get on with it" isn't romantic. For me, as an aspie, it'd be necessary.

Yep, this is a big one for me, too. I would be mortified if I tried to have sex with him and he just didn't want it at all.

I don't think you did anything wrong.

If you want him to be more direct, he needs to be more direct.

If he was TRULY OKAY and TRULY UNDERSTOOD your Asperger's, then he would be more direct if something was wrong.

Just my two cents.

ok im going to be blunt here but hes acting like a spoilt brat, he clearly doesnt appreciate you. if he did then he would understand more and not act like a sook.

He's throwing a little temper fit and being an *ss it sounds like. He obviously wanted you to respond sexually and when you didn't he probably took that the wrong way and got offended. Don't apologize too much, he's in the wrong here. He is mad because he had it in his mind that he wanted you to respond a certain way and you didn't. You can tell him that you are sorry if there was a misunderstanding, but don't be too apologetic. Make sure he knows that he has as much responsibility for it as you do. If he wanted things to get hot faster than they were, he could have started some better foreplay. Being too apologetic will just confirm in his mind that you were wrong for not responding exactly the way he wanted.

I would tell him "I'm sorry if there was a misunderstanding, but I'm not a mind reader. I was enjoying the moment and if you wanted things to go faster you should have been the one to start it up. I didn't do anything wrong, and I'm not going to take responsibility for not reading your mind. You have the ability to speak and to act, you should use that to get your point across instead of little temper fits. We can try again when you calm down and I'm in the mood, because your little fit got me completely out of the mood."

Again, like everyone else, it wasn't your fault. If you was enjoying the moment, in your calm and relaxed state with both laying there, how else were you to react? I'm not going to go into the psychological analisis of the situation, but suggest some possible help on the matter.
If he truely accepts your condition with AS, the he needs to accept within himself, that he needs to be black and white not just in words, but also in actions.
You could help with this by possibly being more vocal in the foreplay stage of the moment (once things get going, I'm sure he won't need any verbal que's or suggestions).
You could try suggesting that there's a very particular part of you, other than your genitals, that if he strokes for a few moments and you don't dissaprove, then it is time to start "the main action", if you get me? I suggest a part of your body that's intimate, but usually overlooked, so that the action of stroking that area is unique to initiating sex and cannot be misinterpreted by either one of you as just "being sensual" or "close".
He does seem to need to do some work on controling his emotions when it comes to things you (and everyone here on this website) can so easily overlook.
I hope you both the best, and that you can be close again without him having to resort to "finding someone else" to sort out his urges. You both are as human as each other.

Instead of him half-joking or getting huffy about having to find someone else, have you two considered actually looking into an open or polynamorous relationship? It's clear that you love each other but aren't 100% compatible (no couple is) and in such an arrangement you could both have your physical/emotional needs met elsewhere with other people.

I'm just wondering why, since you did all that talking and verbal confirmation, didn't he go ahead and start letting his hands wander once he got there. Does he expect you to do the first move?

Thanks everyone. I have told him before that he needed to be more direct with me when he wanted sex. But usually he says stuff like, "Well, most people just know that that's what that means." I've been getting a lot of comments like that from him recently, most girls do this, most girls like this, etc, etc.

I do find it a bit annoying, and I just tell him that I am not most girls. He also knows that despite the fact that I am 25, he is the first guy I've had a sexual relationship with. So this is all pretty much new to me, and I am completely clueless.

Usually, he generally is the one who makes the first move. So that's pretty much what I expect. Most of the time, he will just say, "Make love to me," so that's when I know it's getting serious.

As for us having a more open relationship, honestly, I would be open to trying it. I am pretty accepting when it comes to stuff like that, I figure if everyone agrees, and everyone's happy, then why not? However, he's a little more conventional with stuff like that, and I don't see him ever going for it. I have told him that I honestly don't think that I will ever be able to be everything he wants in bed. Sometimes it seems like he accepts it, other times, not so much.

have you tried getting him to read into AS. So he can see just what it is and how it affects the way we think?

I know that he's read a little bit about it. I just think that he has these expectations and these romantic fantasies in his head... and he gets pissed when things don't go as planned.

He really is a big romantic, and kind of a dreamer. I think that's cute, but the only problem is that he seems to set himself up for disappointment when he doesn't get what he wants.

And to be more blunt, part of his problem is immaturity. I'm seeing that more and more of him. He has unrealistic wants, but doesn't really try to work to make the things he wants to happen.

Last edited by Eternity29 on 21 Sep 2012, 2:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think it's something you should at least discuss with him. It's better to be open and honest about seeing other people than having the illusion of monogamy while he sleeps around behind your back and lies about it (more issues arise from that, such as him getting someone else pregnant or him catching an STD and then passing it to you because he doesn't want to say anything). No poly relationship is the same, and you can compromise on your own personal terms and conditions, but the main idea is that it isn't cheating as long as you tell them about it (and are open with other partners about your relationship with your primary partner).

You shouldn't feel bad. It's not your fault. You told him you were tired. Why did he think you would want to have sex? It's him with the problem.

This whole thing reminds me of a six-year-old spoiled brat that screams, kicks, cries and says horrible things whenever they don't get their way. Too many adults remain this way their whole lives.

Storming out because you didn't do something he expected you to do (without saying so) then saying he's going to get sex from someone else is just a stupid and rotten thing to do. This is NOT a healthy realtionship as it is... I hope you guys can really communicate and make things better.

Oh no, the text about getting a whore was not serious. I actually have brought that up from time to time, in a joking way, because it seems like he just wants way too much in the bedroom than what I'm willing to give. But in all actuality, I have told him that I am completely okay with him watching porn or doing whatever he needs to do if he can't get what he thinks he needs from me all the time.

When we first started dating, he was all like, "I said I wouldn't look at porn ever again once I got a girlfriend." I told him that that was completely absurd and that I have no problem with him watching stuff like that if he needs to. I certainly don't understand it, but if it provides an outlet for him, then that's totally cool.

I really think that the problem is that he is trying to change me to be everything that he wants in a girl, all the time. And I just can't be that person. You have to compromise, and I'm trying to get him to see that. I think that I have made sacrifices for him, but sometimes it seems like he just demands more and more and isn't happy with what I've already given.

He was single for a long time after the last girl broke up with him, and he tells me all the time that he never wants to be single again. I think he's trying to get everything he wants from me, but won't try to find someone who can maybe provide it a little bit better, because he just doesn't want to be single.