Trouble "getting it up" (aspie issues in bed)

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A little background: I'm 22 years old now, only lost my virginity a year ago. To date I've only had sex 7 times, with 5 different partners, and some of those sexual experiences were separated by several months. Aside from that, I had a girlfriend for ~7 months when I was about 15, but we hardly went past making out. All to say, I have VERY limited experience. That's one piece of the puzzle.

So, I've only been able to have a decent hard-on one or two out of those 7 times. This issue stresses me out so much I was on the verge of tears after my last experience. All I want is to have a partner who is patient & understanding and who will help me through these difficulties, but I'm terrified that if I can't perform then the woman will get fed up and leave me.

I guess there are a lot of factors at play. Probably the biggest one is the let-down of sex not matching up to my colossal expectations. I think watching porn has a lot to do with it. After seeing hundreds of videos of phenomenal looking women with cartoonishly large breasts writhing in pleasure in every position imaginable, it makes the actual experience seem dull in comparison. Nowhere in these videos do they display the reality of what the average woman looks like naked, the awkwardness, figuring out your partner’s preferences, the difficulty of “getting it in”, etc. Every time I have sex, I keep sort of asking myself, “Is this it? This is what I got myself so worked up about all these years?”. But at the same time I feel I haven’t yet experienced what proper sex is supposed to feel like. As it stands masturbation feels better for me than sex, but that could change if I were able to maintain a hard-on. In that respect I still feel very much like a virgin.

The inexperience itself is another stressor since it generates some performance anxiety. I worry that the woman will be turned off since I might, for instance, have trouble fingering her or accidentally try to stick it in the wrong hole (I hope I’m not being too explicit here). I worry that they might think things like, “This guy seems pretty cool, how come he has so little experience/doesn’t seem to know what he’s doing down there/is being awkward/etc?”. I worry that she’ll find it weird I don’t know how to take off a bra or that I’m not smooth when taking off her clothes, stuff like that.

I think that about sums it up. I suppose there’s also anxiety of the form, “Holy **** I’m having sex! This is actually happening!” But not necessarily in an excited way, but also slightly apprehensive. I tend to think of all the minutiae of my actions. “Ok, I’m pressing you against my chest. We’ll kiss for a while. Aright, how about I try and take her clothes off now? She’s not making any noise, does she not like that? Oh, that got her excited!” I hope you get the general idea.

Just to clear some things up: I know this isn’t a sensitivity issue since I haven’t masturbated in 65 straight days (see a website called Your Brain on Porn and you’ll understand why I’m doing that). I can also usually get hard the day after when I’m alone. In fact, one time I could go in a separate room, get hard, come back and lose my erection the second I tried to put on a condom or attempt penetration. And what’s really messed up is I don’t actually feel stressed when my troubles downstairs occur. It seems to be a subconscious thing I have no control over. I am in great physical shape, I don’t take any medications, the only thing I can think of that’s medically relevant is coping with mild-ish depression and having a very messed up sleep cycle.

Not sure what else to say, but I would be enormously grateful for any support, feedback, advice, anything. I forgot to mention I was diagnosed with asperger's when I was 5, though apparently I'm a very mild case. Even in my teenager years it was hard for people to tell that something was off about me, aside from being a bit of a loner.

I think the problem is that you are homosexual. Sorry to put it so bluntly my friend, but I feel the only circumstance in which you would post what you did about yourself, would be one in which you are somewhat comfortable in "coming out." Hope it works out for you, and I wish you many years of happiness and fulfillment!! !

Well - at your age I had had no sexual partners at all, and now - after being married for about 30 years - I still have had only one sexual partner. So, from my perspective, your experience could be too varied rather than too limited!

You seem to talk about sex as a physical act - and I do understand the "OMG I am actually in the middle of having sex" type thought. But what about your relationship to the other person? Are you friends? Do you have shared interests? Do you love them?

Your frequent use of porn could very well be a big problem. Quite a few psychologists and sexologists say that porn can seriously affect a person's sexual relationships. One reason is the focus on "perfect" bodies and "perfect" sexual responses, as you mention. But another reason is the way that porn can affect the brain. Porn can change the brain in ways similar to addictions, as far as I am aware. So you end up like the person who cannot fall asleep naturally because they have become too dependent on sleeping tablets. You end up training your sexuality to focus on porn rather than on a living, breathing human being with whom you have a real friendship and shared interests (with sex as the "icing on top" so to speak, rather than sex being the whole cake). It is a bit like having a diet of candy rather than a well-balanced diet with vegetables and fruit etc. You can get all the sexual stimulation you need from a real body at the appropriate time - but you need the rest of the relationship too: the emotional connection, spending time talking and listening (Aspies can listen and Aspies can learn what matters to their partners).

You don't become physically fit by watching exercise videos - you go outside and walk or run. You don't become sexually fulfilled by watching sex videos - you spend time getting to know someone and sharing your lives, and eventually also sharing bodies. So stay away from the porn, and spend time on friendship and getting to know the other person and what matters to them.

Uhhh...Am I the only one who thinks this should be moved elsewhere?

In any case, check out some natural supplements before using Viagra. Horny goat weed, tribulus, MACA and yohimbe are good stimulants for the sex drive.

It's a possibility that you need testosterone injections, you could either ask your doctor to prescribe you and give you injections or you could inject yourself which is fairly easy if you have the right equipment and clean needles.

A good testosterone mix or compound will help, celery will help also, try lifting weights also as this can increase testosterone.

Aaauuugghhhh... its good to practise so you are comfortable with a hard on, and well you know.... jolly well, righto

Tl;dr but porn addiction is a common cause for ED these days, not only because it wires your brain for visual stimulation but continuously using a tight grip may contribute as well.

http://news.menshealth.com/is-porn-kill ... 011/11/04/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU

Also Aspies may have trouble with emotional connection, contributing to the ED among with gazillion other possible things not related to AS as you mentioned.

#1 thing you need to know, it's totally cool and can even be hot to talk during sex, if you're stressing out wondering if she likes something freaking ask. It sounds like you need to work on good communication, good sex doesn't really happen without it.

Also, stop watching the gross porn, find some amateur porn that you like and chill out. Or if you're really into the plastic surgery look, date women who have had plastic surgery.

Date people you actually like and are attracted to, try having sex with someone you have an emotional bond with.

Just had a similar problem recently, but I also had not had sex in over two years before that either. I think the porn may have been an issue there, and maybe even another addiction (nicotine).
Hopefully, there are no other addictions in your case.

Stop watching porn. Stop masturbating to porn.

If you do masturbate use a light grip and lots of lube.

Damn. Well. It may be time to see a therapist about this issue.