Being single and the opinions of others

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After following various discussions on this theme here recently, I am interested in people's answer to this question:

If you are single or a virgin, do you want a relationship and/or sex primarily because you think people will perceive you as more normal? (If you are someone who does have relationships, feel free to weigh in with your opinions too).

I do feel that being perpetually single makes me a social outcast. I hate that I feel bitter and jealous of others' romantic lives, which is another reason for wanting a relationship that isn't part of desiring a relationship for its own sake. Sometimes I feel discriminated against because the world seems primed to cater to couples and families, or at least sees relationships as something one chooses with complete freedom. I don't like feeling that people are pitying me for being a single loser.

But I also very much desire a relationship in and of itself.

I'm not a virgin but I go long enough without sex for it to be deemed abnormal. People can't tell when you last had sex, but if they did know I wouldn't care. I get asked about sex by the doctor sometimes (most women have to answer doctors' questions on their sex life at some point), and I'm honest and it's not a big deal. Perhaps it's because sex isn't that important to me that I don't mind people knowing I'm not having it. They get a correct picture of me by seeing me as someone who's not that into sex. Whereas the opposite is true with romance: if people assume I'm single because I'm not interested in romantic relationships, then they've got me completely wrong.

So: if no one knew about your love life, would it alter your desire for relationships? Or if people's knowledge of your sex life had no effect on their perception of you as a person, would it change your desire to lose your virginity? What if there were no negative stereotypes associated with virgins?

Final question: Do you fear that some of the stereotypes are true? That being single is a sign of being unwanted, and hence abnormal/defective? I know I have major problems from my illness and from excessive trauma and from just having messed up neurology, and that this is almost certainly why I struggle with relationships (and so many other areas of life). Trying to be a good person and knowing it's not my fault that it's so hard for me to be like other people doesn't change the fact I know something's wrong with me and an inability to form real relationships is a major indication of just how wrong I am.

Well, a relationship may make me appear more 'normal' in the eyes of others, and not so much of a social outcast.

But that's not the only reason. I genuinely am lonely and would really like to find someone nice to spend my life with. I'm 30 and haven't had a girlfriend at all, so my hope is waning. But I have heard of inexperienced guys going on to date and marry after that age, so I can't lose all hope.

I feel I would have a lot of love to give, if someone chose me. But I'm not sure, haven't had the chance to find out yet.

I'm glad you still have some hope. Your last paragraph struck a chord with me. I feel like I have unfulfilled potential to love. I wonder if I could have been a good wife or a good mother. Then I realise I would be a terrible mother as I'm so incapable and can't even look after myself - I'd be wonderful at providing unconditional love, and I'd avoid all the terrible mistakes my parents made, but I'd be terrible at providing a stable, normal home. Loving isn't the only requirement to being good in a relationship. Maybe that's part of our problem? Maybe there's an alternate version of me with normal neurology who has the potential to be good in relationships. Sorry, that probably wasn't what you were referring to, but it is true that being denied the opportunities to love hurts as well as being denied love being given to us.

I hope you will get the chance to find out. I end up giving my dog excessive love. :p She's not the same as a person, but she does help remind me that I can connect and care for and be cared for.

A relationship would get me a friend who would hopefully always be my best friend.

Yeah, I get what you mean. I think I'd have a lot of love to give but maybe that isn't enough. Maybe I have to be able to look after myself first, before I can bring anyone else (and kids as well) into the equation. You have to bring love to a relationship, but also you have to be practical as well. Currently, I'm not really in the position to look after anyone.

Aspergers does make it hard to navigate relationships. Not impossible, but it makes it an uphill struggle.

No. I don't want to be in a relationship because it makes me more accepted by society and I don't want sex just so I can be accepted by society.

In fact, I think the best thing for me is to distance myself and stop even thinking about any relationships or sexual encounters... maybe.
I should just dismiss relationships because I know how I feel and that only I can change that feeling.

Sure I'd like to be with someone in their company but maybe I'm just looking too hard and looking desperate.
I think that I should just spend time with a few friends and just try and enjoy time alone rather than thinking that problems will go when I'm in a relationship. Truth is... they don't go until they are resolved.

I had sex the first time because everybody else in my group was having sex, or said they did, and my best friend and I were determined not to be the last two virgins in the class. This was in 1978 and I was 15. We thought differently about things then than kids do now. Lots of unspoken pressure to do what the other kids were doing, even if it was stupid. That's also the same explination for the popularity of satin disco jumpsuits and roller disco, but that's neither here nor there. On to the story....

I went to a very cliquish private Christian school. There were a handful of girls (only girls, really) in each class that were trying to follow Christian teaching in things and not do what they were taught they shouldn't. The rest of us were busy trying to sneak around and be as wild as we could be by doing everything we were told not to do. In 9th grade, people started having sex. Some of them really did, others lied. The girls didn't have to lie but I bet a lot of the boys did. Anyway, Wendy and I decided that we had to each find a guy and do it. That very month. I wasn't popular then, but I was no longer an outcast and I was in a friends group with the cool kids (back then that meant the stoners and the "bad" kids, which also included the jocks - the other groups were the nerds, the stuck up pretty girls, and the church kids. that was it, really) So she set out to find her guy and I set out to find mine. This was actually common practice where and when I lived. You weren't a slut if you did it with one guy, you were a slut if you did it with a lot of guys. There were sluts there and we knew exactly who they were. Girls who would drop their pants for a Quaalude or a lid or reefer (as we called it then) or a bottle of Boone's Farm Tickle Pink. We were not them.

Anyway, I had a friend who was a boy and he was very popular with all the girls. We were good friends and talked on the phone a lot. I didn't have a crush on him or anything at that time, but half the girls in the school did and by the time he was a senior, our PE teacher did too and they spent that entire year doing it. Anyway, I told him about mine and Wendy's bet and said "You know how to screw?" He said "Of course I do!" (He didn't, he just made people think he was very experienced). I said "OK then, you do this with me. And bring me a clean pair of your underwear and I'll bring you a clean pair of mine and we can swap them to have to prove it happened, but don't tell any of the boys my name". So, the next Wednesday we stayed after school, which lots of kids did because Wednesday was prayer meeting and puppets and they didn't want to go home then come right back, so they hung out. We snuck in the little room behind the choir room where they keep the robes and did it. It wasn't very good. In fact it wasn't good at all, but I was proud that I had done it and we swapped the clean underwear and left. It wasn't wierd at all afterwards either. Friends with benefits way back before that term was coined I guess.

Anyway Wendy got mad at me for that because she hadn't done it yet and she was much more popular and pretty than me and had big boobs and all the guys were always hitting on her, and nobody had ever hit on me. I was skinny and boney and unattractive, yet I managed to do it with one of the most popular and sought after boys at school yet keep him as my close freind. I found out years later when he told me, that that was his first time too, he just didn't want anybody to know.

Anyway, she did it with this 11th grade loser on the basketball team that nobody liked. Well the girls didn't like him. He had a lot of friends and was popular like that, but nobody wanted to go out with him. So HA!

The point of that story is that when I was young and stupid I wanted to have sex simply because everybody else was and I didn't want to be left out. I thought it would somehow change me, and it didn't but I felt that it did, so maybe in a way it did.

That summer when I started dating the guy that I would date for a little over two years and got engaged to, (who didn't know about my choir room tryst, he was a senior when that happened and didn't run in the same circles as me) I actually wished I had waited so I could do it for the first time with him because I loved him so much. So I did the next best thing and lied to him and told him I was a virgin. He was one and he had no way of knowing differently. I wasn't experienced or anything, I had just done it once for about three minutes, so you could say that with the bf it was my real first time, or you could point out that after a penis has been in there, there is never a first time again.

Six of one, half dozen of the other I guess.

I'm still friends with that first guy. No benefits now though. Just friends.

The only one who noticeably cares is my mother.
Among students, being single is not that uncommon, and I have never felt discriminated against.

I don't actively look for a girlfriend, because I don't think I would be successful.

opinions of others dont bother me that much, especially in these situations.
however, i do desire a relationship, not in order to have sex; if i wanted that so badly, i'd pay for it.
what i really want is simply someone who i can be around without feeling the expectation to talk and be social, someone to cuddle up with on the couch, simply, someone...

Same thing here. Though it might be unrealistic, as I can hardly stand handshaking, and I've never even actively hugged any person in my life.

First of all, cool thread.

I've never really been in a real relationship, but I've had an accidental one which had pretty unorthodox characteristics, so I may have an idea how it feels like to be on the 'other side'. I do sometimes wish I had someone to share everything with, who would tolerate, even appreciate the little things that nobody else seems to see, not out of pity, but out of genuine affection. Also, good sex. I once developed a fascination, almost an obsession, with sex, and discovered that there is such a thing as chemistry and 'good sex'. I don't actively look for it, but I wouldn't mind having it either. I'm adaptable.

However suddenly finding myself in a relationship is going to make a big difference in my social life, unless I keep it a secret. A lot of my jokes and self-depreciating comments are derived from the assumption that I cannot get a date to save my life. Peers find that funny, and I believe a sudden change in that would be completely out of character. (Yes, I put on a costume and play a role when out in society.)

Maybe it's natural selection with me. I'm undesirable and my offspring would have a hard time surviving in society, therefore I am unfit to breed. Besides, I feel like I would be really bad with relationships, and my potential significant would just end up feeling neglected and being lonely with me. I would unknowingly drag her into my misery. Maybe I don't deserve to be in one, because nobody deserves that 'treatment'. I do sometimes feel like I have a lot of love to give. Sometimes it overflows and I have random episodes of me working and doing nice things for people out of nowhere like buying food and cooking dinner for my co-workers, or driving someone to wherever s/he needs to go when it's out of the way or something. But I just don't think random sporadic affection is enough to maintain a normal relationship. Besides, I like to leave the toilet seat up.

All my friends are foreveralones. So at least I don't have them to worry about.

You are right, our society is organized around couples. It's ridiculous, but the majority of society loves that, so what can we do?

I don't care about what people think about me being single. I met stupid people that are in relationships and very intelligent people that are single, so what is the merit on having a partner? A lot of people that are single don't deserve to be single and a lot of marriages out there don't make this world a better place thanks to their relationship. Having a partner don't make you a more valid citizen, that's a very mediocre and old-fashioned point of view (but it's true it's a very popular point of view yet).

I don't know what people think about my loneliness, but I'm quite sure they don't give a damn.

I want a relationship for the same reason "normal" people want relationships - love and companionship.

handshaking is difficult for me too, but with the right person, i have no problems.
i have deeply hugged before, although as just friends, and that didn't cause any anxiety or problems. that's how i know i can stand cuddling up.

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies.

So many people seem to reproduce who aren't exactly great members of the species - I think culture overrides natural selection a lot of the time. Either that or nature has come to prioritise some characteristics whose value is hard to understand. :p
I don't think relationships or sex are something that people get because they deserve them or not. If someone wants to be with you, then they do. You can't really earn it. Though doing nice things for people has merits of its own.



I kind of get what you mean, though with different reasons. Would you really worry about the effects a relationship would have on your social life? Surely you could find other things to come up with self-depricating humour about? I do feel that a relationship for me now would be such a difficult adjustment, because I've sort of come to accept it's not going to happen now. Whereas previously I still thought it was going to happen, and then a possibility, now I think the change if it actually did happen would overwhelm me. I have such a complicated past I wouldn't know how to begin explaining myself to someone or for them to know me to extent you should know a partner. I would have to start thinking of myself as normal and potentially happy again.



This is worth reminding ourselves of. People aren't thinking about us all that much. If I'm worrying that people are thinking unflattering things about me, I'm probably worrying needlessly. Not that it's exactly great to realise that no one's concerned with me enough to think about it, either. :p



I'm glad you say that. I do have concerns over how being single makes me appear to others. But my those concerns are far outweighed by my desire for a relationship in and of itself. I had been starting to wonder if other people on this forum felt that way too because I'd been reading so many posts where people didn't seem to care which girl they got with, as long as they got with someone.