?!Be happy by yourself before being ready for love!?

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Annoys me when they say you have to be happy by yourself before being ready for love.

How happy do I need to be, because I am 33 and I have not found a way? Do I need to be happier then a few of my work colleague who are single and has or had a few drink problems, I cannot even drink because I am too depressed for that; drink makes me even more depressed even a tiny bit.

Do they see me as a person who is addicted to finding love the same way as an Anorexic is addicted to losing weight. The thing is if you told was to ask someone with anorexia,”do you wish that you could develop a way to be happy with our own weight” I am sure many of them would just say that they want to be much slimmer and continue with their addictions.

As much as I am looking for love, I am trying to find a way to be content but at present none of them are working.

The thing is I feel so trapped because, what can I do: Dress better, Smile more, study body language or be brave and willing to take action. According to my workmate I am not even shy at all when approaching woman, so if they are right what else do I need to do. Beyond having Aspergers Syndrome, I don’t have any unhealthy attitude.

My new years resolution is to save money because money is a resource that I could use to find love. I just have to remember that when I buy myself a happy meal at MacDonald.

You don't have to be entirely happy with life, you just can't seem like you "need" the relationship, even if its the case. From what I've been told, that doesn't look very appealing. At the same time, unlike the "asthma is sexy" shirt, depression isn't all that attractive either. Seems like a bit of a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation, or at least really bad planning by whatever deities may or may not be out there. To be considered as someone that is a "potential" for a relationship, you can't have a lot of baggage, like depression. For some people, (myself included to some degree) the easiest, or at least perceived easiest, if not best, way to rid oneself of depression would be to have a stable, positive relationship.

As for the comparison to anorexics, well, the goal is to get them to be ok with the weight they are at, or if nothing else to help them learn to lose weight in a healthy way, and only to lose what they need, not what they think they need due to a warped perception of body image.

That being said, a similar approach could be taken here. You don't have to be happy "with life." You don't have to be happy "in general." The first step would be to simply make note of things in your day to day life that make you happy, even if that feeling only lasts for a few minutes, even if it is something silly. If the taste of coffee, for example, makes you happy, enjoy a cup of coffee a day, something like that. These little things won't make your depression suddenly go away, but will help establish that there are still good things in your life. People will notice that about you, notice even a subtle change due to that kind of thing.

More than anything else, don't do this kind of thing as a way to improve your chance of getting in a relationship, do it just for your general well-being. I'm sure that sounds pretty "lame," or some analog of that word, but it has several reasons. Like you asked, the happier you are with yourself, the easier it will likely be, but at the same time there is an inherent value in being happy in general that you would also be gaining.

I wouldn't say that. I would say that if you don't know how to be happy being alone then you won't know how to be happy being with someone. No matter where you go, there "you" are. No matter who you're with, there "you" are.

If I were really happy, I wouldn’t bother with dating because it is too much of a lifestyle change especially for an aspie.

Happy isn't like a switch. There's more levels to it than just on or off. If you aren't happy, like I said, that's "ok." I'm not saying it is an enjoyable or good place to be in, but it isn't unnatural for someone to be unhappy with their situation. Like I mentioned earlier, if you are happy with certain aspects of your life, if certain things make you happy, that's something. You don't have to be happy consistently to experience happiness, even if it is fleeting. It can help to keep you more optimistic if nothing else.

I'm really not trying to "beat it into you," pound at this idea until you accept it, so I hope it doesn't appear that way. I also understand that you are 11 years my senior, so there's no way for me to exactly know where you are coming from, but I can say I can relate. A while back, between six months and two years (faulty long term memory, my apologies), I was in a very similar mental state. I was unhappy specifically because I was alone, and I felt the only way to obtain this was to be in a relationship. Getting from point A to point B seemed impossible for me, and yet easy for everyone else I knew. I got so sick of friends being in and out of relationships, complaining about current significant others and ex significant others as if they were somehow being made to suffer unjustly. I was close to just yelling at them and saying "I don't care about your 'problems,' you insensitive ass! I'd like to have some of them, because then at least I would have been, or would still be in, a relationship!"

The hardest part about this is that all the advice I can really give is:
1. Don't give up. That's making your current situation permanent, and you clearly don't want that, and
2. Try and have patience. I know, a relationship sooner is a lot better than later. Unfortunately you're only 50% of the equation. That other 50% may come along tomorrow, may come along in a week, etc.

I know, not the advice that you'd like to hear, I hated hearing it too. I'm only giving it because the only other advice I have been given was how to manipulate women to like me. Stuff like treating them badly at first, then treating them better once I had "hooked" them. (I've heard it works, but I'd rather be alone and have my morals and sense of self than be with someone and sacrifice those.)

You don't have to be in a state of bliss to be ready for a relationship. You do need to not be in a state of depression over not having one or feel like an incomplete person without one. And I totally agree with the idea that no one else can make you happy.

I spent a hiatus of 3 years before dating my wife. Wasn't going to make another mistake. Wasn't going to settle. Found out way too late that my wife is someone who cannot handle not being in a relationship. She had moved directly from one to another throughout her life, with half of them being truly bad people. When she lived with a drunk, she was a drunk. When her relationships had problems, she often cheated. All but one of her 'swaps' involved starting a new relationship before the old one was ended.

In frustration at her neediness and anger (untreated depression), I once told her years ago that no one can make someone else happy. She was furious. It was my job to do just that and if she wasn't happy, it was ipso facto my fault. I argued the point and thought that I'd made it well enough that she understood it. She brought it up again years later and was still upset that I had said it and insisted that I was supposed to make her happy. If you are like her, you're not ready for a sustainable healthy relationship.

Aspie_Chav, you just have to realize that people will have a never-ending list of excuses to why things don't work out for you and after a point you just have to stop listening, stop asking, and ignore or blow off people when they want to sit you down and confront you on your singlehood. As you know, the basics of sexual attraction run 180 opposite of what our social moors are supposed to be, its a really messed up and cracked up world with almost nothing logical about it over and above eugenics.

Being thats the case I think about the fact that hmm... when I was needy I wasn't wanted. When I got myself together and wasn't needy I was told that I should have been needy because women are intimidated by a guy who has himself too together. I agree with the be happy with yourself first advice, not even for the sake of finding a woman but for the sake of finding some way to be happy period. Now just 2 minutes ago I had to downsize this and deal with my roommate walking in and needing to show me all the girls he's now talking to on myspace who he wants to, could bang, or will bang. I just know that for me its been steadfast, just like the fact that with any girl who ever has liked me enough to show something beyond just flirting has had always either one thing, another thing, or a few things. Right now its very hard for me to have any faith in anything happening just because I've been over every rhyme and reason as to why I'm perpetually in this position and when I think about it I come up with the same thing - when I'm overloaded I look like s---, I show signs of genetic illness, and I'm guessing my personality isn't 'in place' with what a person like that should be by social heirarchical standards. That said I think I can pretty much write off what most people tell me because the only thing they can think of is either lacking confidence, which I don't exactly - I just visually look it at times with my neurological problems, or lack of social skills, more of the same - I have em when my nervous system actually allows me to use what I know and that's when I'm not overloaded. All that said and that I'm probably going to be a very modest achiever in life and sadly a lot of that is based on either stigmas or wariness I have over them and the fact that I can't just take leaps in terms of a lot of things because with my track-record it would be pretty irresponsible. If people want to call me negative or try to tell me that I brought certain things on myself I could care less, I've probably fought far harder for the things I have been able to achieve in my life and I forgive them for not knowing me a lick and not having any idea what they're saying but coming to the conclusion that poor news is poor attitude on the part of the poster themselves. I need to just take all the s--- in, breath it in like so, take in every either semi-permanent hardship or permanent, and let my soul compress and harden like a diamond. Its all I can really do at this point, just make sure that regardless of where its getting me I need to do all in my power to make sure that my self-assurance and sense of integrity stay on the rise even when I'm watching the most absolutely naive and socially clueless guys have 10x the success in the dating scene. I just have to realize that whether there's a higher power holding me back and trying to make me tougher than the next person for some reason or if I am just genetically inferior or if my gestalt just adds up in a magic way - doesn't matter, I can't give a damn about what I can't control and there's a certain time where I have to be happy for myself and no one else.

Get a good motorcycle.

Then you'll fall in love.

(With the bike.)

Lol, a Harley might work for a chick. As for guys and sportbikes though, I know enough guys who have em and more often than not they're either manwhores or self-proclaimed and DNA-test verified manwhores. Nothing against em, just that the bikes evidently didn't give em much in the way of sexual gratification...

i'm ok alone until i find someone i do like and can't have them for whatever reason........

then it's hell to be by myself......

but, like every other emotion... it runs out eventually if left unfed.....


then it's just me again



right now... i don't know if i'm coming or going... i'm either gonna soar or hit the wall.

work is about all i got

How in the hell do you starve it out. That's something I've yet to be able to do.

My advice from one guy to another - pride over drive.

[best farnsworth voice I can manage]
Good news, everyone! I have neither!

Look at Maslow's pyramid of needs. Love and belonging comes before self-esteem, which comes before self-actualization, true happiness. I think it's BS to say people need to know how to be happy on their own--for some people, having friends isn't enough, and they need some kind of romantic love to keep them happy.

Tisk tisk, I have a "sport" bike.

Check out the photo gallery, I have the blue & white one: http://www.bmwmotorcycles.com/bikes/bike.jsp?b=k1200s

I had sex with all of one girl so I don't think I can qualify as a "manwhore." But I do notice an attitude of cockyness with a some of the guys who are crotch-rocket riders.

And I don't mean to get one to attract women. I mean get it because riding is fun and it builds courage. God I wish it wasn't 37 degrees outside right now. I keep my baby in my basement. I think I'll have to go pet my bike later.

Last edited by Alicorn on 02 Jan 2007, 10:34 pm, edited 2 times in total.

If you're trying to say "don't give up your self-respect for a piece of ass" then I must QFE!