Recently separated, should I even try again?

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My wife of 7 years left 2 months ago. We still love each other, but I was leading her into an unbearable lifestyle.
She has a large family and likes loud rooms filled with people, I consider that to be social hell. After a near fatal car accident 2 years ago I don't like to go out very often, she longs for a night out with friends.
I thought this was a good compromise: She would go out with friends/family once or twice a week, and Id settle in to play a PC game.
One day she figured out that she was happier when I wasn't around, and... yeah you get where this is going.

She always answer's the phone when I need a shoulder to cry on (literally Some times). The sad truth is I'm so attached to her that I need her in my life! But it hurts me so much every time we say goodbye.
I've really started to consider avoiding relationships for the rest of my life. I literally have not lived alone in 10 years between her and the previous GF.
I recently met someone (just friends) and chatted over a cup of coffee, I ran her off in 3 days because I'm "clingy". Of course I don't want to be alone, but I don't think I'm ever going to recover from this. Even if I did, I don't want to put another person through this hell. I feel so horrible for taking 7 years of my wife's life away.

Bottom line: I cant survive loosing another person I'm attached too, and I never want to hurt another person I love.
It seems to me the easiest way to avoid those two things is not to get involved with someone again.

Penny for your thoughts

Hi, me again. I think that when you are ready to date again, you should try to look for someone who wants to live the same lifestyle as you. For example, if you do online dating or social networking sites, write something in your profile about how you like to live. If you meet someone you are interested in, deal with the issue after you've been dating for a few months; if the person seems like a party animal, bring up the subject of how you two might fit together as a couple. Don't wait until you are planning to get married or live together. You might also want to try dating someone a little older. Older people tend to like their lives quieter and more settled.

Im feeling stalked... (joking)

I live in a rural area and don't have a very social job, so meeting people is hard enough b4 my personality even comes into play.
I met my wife in my senior year of HS, we were just friends but there was always a "thing" between us. Even though I was seeing someone I always thought about her, in fact one of the reasons my GF and I split after 3 years was because I have always been in love with my friend from HS. I decided that I was going to go after what I wanted for once in my life and I had never been happier. The bipolar really started to manifest around 07' and things got a little ruff but she tuffed it out. I always had sever social anxiety but I tried to "behave" myself in public, I didn't always succeed though lol. It always upset her that I didn't like crowded family dinners @ her parents house or company dinners with 200 people in a room. After a near fatal accident in 10' symptoms of PTSD really compounded the social anxiety problems and made me feel like I wasn't even human. After really becoming an introvert while recovering from multiple surgery's, I can honestly say I'm not the same person I was 7 years ago.

That's the problem: she still loves me but she's IN love with who I was. To me shes still my soul-mate, but I've changed so much were no longer compatible.

I feel like Rango (animated film protagonist), I've lost my sense of who I am. I hate to say it but what she said today is true, I'll never be able to love someone if I don't love myself and Ill never be able to love myself if I don't know who I am.

Love the avatar! Score 1 for the Pip Boy!


One thing's for sure - you're not ready for another relationship yet! Anyone else at this point would be an unhealthy rebound...

The divorce groups and counselors I worked with were very informative on this... most people are NOWHERE NEAR ready to date again after a long-term relationship or marriage for 1-5 years, depending on the person and their state.

2 months? Forget it! Get healthy first - for your sake as well as anyone you enter a relationship with later.

Very sorry about your crappy situation... I know how it feels.

Hey Bluemax, new avatar (is that a very old picture )

1-5 years is a long time!

I do not find you clingy. You are in a state of mourning and that is an important and nessesary phase. Talk as much as possible about it with friends, as long as they put up with it (I have almost stopped now, becuse I am afraid that my friends tire from hearing about my ex.). Look out for signs of depression as well.

My husband left this february, and I am the exact same place as you. I do have a lot of children and my life is prettey much a mess at the moment. I am not sure that I will a) ever want to find somebody else b) if I wanted to, I probably could not find somebody who would put up with four children and live in a rural area (well and put up with strange me).

(I do Hate when people leave each other, it messes up my life as well )

A little older but such a good picture...


There's a lot of factors at play - how long/healthy your relationship was and how well you've dealt with the problems that come from the relationship and separation, etc.

It's really unfair to some other person to get them all in love while one is still stuck on their ex...

Last edited by BlueMax on 26 Nov 2012, 4:17 am, edited 1 time in total.

You might not like my response, but yes, you do sound very, very clingy.

You know, we can go through all the ins and outs of why you're this way, and how hard it is to change, and how easy it is to criticize, but:

When you had to make an odd compromise to try to find happiness, it should have been a sign things were falling apart. Now you're afraid to be alone and wreak of desperation, which will only repel women.

Will you ever love again? In theory, if you can accept this is over and accept the fact that you may spend the rest of your life alone. If you can accept that reality, and get over your failed marriage, then yes, you may be able to find love again one day.

Your response was very to the point, I appreciate that. People that know about my conditions tend to talk to me like a child and sugar coat things, which just pi**es me off.
I'm not trying to justify my behavior I'm just trying to understand it. I find that the more I'm aware of how I'm behaving the easier it is to act "normal".
The depression has always been a problem (bipolar 1), its the manic episodes that get me in trouble. If I'm really manic I will lie to everyone in the room and try to be like them. Depending on who im in a room with I can be anyone. The depressed, sit quietly and not speak unless spoken too is a lot safer.

17 years. Six months separated, now divorced.

It's a stage. You'll get through it. She's letting you cry on your shoulder 'cause she feels guilty, but that won't last long. You need to get it into your head that you're going to move on. It'll take a while to sink in enough to feel like the reality consistently, but it will happen.

Hogwash. I think you know this isn't true yourself. It's just how you're feeling now. It will pass.

Look, it's going to be a rough ride for at least a few more months. Just strap in and hang on until you get to calmer waters. At this early stage, there really isn't a whole lot you can do. Met another woman and drove her away already? That's to be expected too. You're on the rebound. Be glad it didn't go anywhere 'cause that probably would have just made things worse.

You need to get comfortable in your own skin, with who you are first. It's most likely the fact that you weren't really quite there yet before you got married that's why it didn't end up working. Quit thinking about what you're missing outside yourself and start asking yourself what's missing INSIDE. Nostalgia is your enemy right now. If you've got pictures, put them away and quit looking at them or throw them out if you've got it in you.

You need to look forward, not backward, and you need to envision yourself confident without anyone. If you really believe you can't live alone, you will be clingy, and that is never healthy.

Don't misunderstand me. I'm not telling you to snap out of it. It'll take time, but you do need to start now by envisioning it. You'll have days when you think like you were when you posted this, but if you keep smacking yourself mentally, insisting to yourself that you CAN get through this, you will.

It's a crappy stage to go through I know. I've just gone through it myself and it SUCKS. Just hang on for the ride and "see" the end in your mind.

I know several people who fell in love, got married, got divorced, and are much happier in their 2nd marriage.

Sometimes it can take years to ready yourself and heal enough for a new relationship. It took me 4. Good luck!

I didn't even recognize you from your picture... *Scared*

I know now that I have 2 choices.
A: Move on with my life, and look for someone a bit more like me

B: Dedicate whats left of my life to the wonderful relationship I had

Obviously (A) is what I should do, but I have no clue how to even begin.
I already know how (B) works, its what im living now.

I want to move on, I really do. I just don't know how Ill ever meet someone when the only person who understood me couldn't live with me. I mean, its not like I can tell someone on the 2nd date "hey, I really like you but I'm running out of things to talk to you about".