Today, the topic is Jealousy

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I am off to work and will leave this question, with all you lovely Aspies:

Are you the jealous kind in a relationship?

I try very very hard not to be. It isn't easy sometimes. I think I succeed in suppressing it insofar as she doesn't end up suffering the effects of it. But sometimes (often) I do have to remind myself that the way I feel has nothing to do with her behavior and everything to do with my own issues.

It's much better now though than it was at the beginning of the relationship. Years of open-book honesty on her part have done wonders. I'm lucky. In the past, with other women, all my f****d up issues would show themselves early on, and they'd decide it was just too much to deal with (which I'm sure it was) and leave (which was probably the right thing to do). But she hasn't done that. She finds ways to help me.

That alone helps me keep it under control. Telling myself "Look how hard she tries to help you, you dick. Don't you dare take your BS out on her." And eventually the feeling passes, and my rational mind takes over again, and I remember how she's never hidden anything from me before, and that it's stupid to think she is now. And how she's shown me over and over again that she doesn't want anyone else. And how it was other women who actually did things to make me feel that way, never her.

No.

Well, sort of.

Well, not really.

I get jealous of my brother (who's married) when he makes my crush laugh.

I'm kinda worried how this will reflect when I'm actually in a relationship.

Never.
I have never felt it in my life.
I honestly believe I am incapable of it.

Furthermore - from obversation - it seems pointless to me.
Being jealous is more likely to drive someone to cheat - as well as destroy the relationship.
And if they will cheat in the first place - nothing I can do or not do, will stop that from happening if that's what they want to do - no amount of not trusting them, being jealous or guarding them will change that.

You're essentially attempting to control a person other than yourself, heck sometimes multiple, and a situation - realistically you have no control over any of it.
Why torture yourself by pretending that you do?

It will never work because you are trying to control a situation that is not controllable to begin with.
If you don’t have the confidence to take that risk and take each thing as it comes then you simply shouldn’t be doing it.

Last edited by Kjas on 21 Nov 2012, 4:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

I've tried to suppress it, but it just isn't happening.

Hell yes,

I can pretend to not care for a while, but then later on I end up by not caring for the person at all. That just makes it worse. I assume in the normal world. Those that are jealous will now add more effort to the relationship to protect their interest (which was intended by the person creating the situation). This usually has the opposite effect on me.

Never.
I have never felt it in my life.
I honestly believe I am incapable of it.

Furthermore - from obversation - it seems pointless to me.
Being jealous is more likely to drive someone to cheat - as well as destroy the relationship.
And if they will cheat in the first place - nothing I can do or not do, will stop that from happening if that's what they want to do - no amount of not trusting them, being jealous or guarding them will change that.

You're essentially attempting to control a person other than yourself, heck sometimes multiple, and a situation - realistically you have no control over any of it.
Why torture yourself by pretending that you do?


That is absolutely me. I thought I was the only one who saw the inherent lack of logic in it...

I only have a problem with jealousy if the woman seems like they wanna stray.

For example, I was just in a long-distance thing where we agreed to be exclusive (though we weren't really "dating"). One day she gets on FB and says that she saw the cutest guy at the store. That didn't bother me that much. I shrugged it off until I saw her comment about how the guy didn't notice her. Thaaaaaat raised a red flag so I asked her about it. We got in a tiny argument (which lasted all of 2 or 3 minutes and involved no name-calling or cusswords) and she basically decided, after that, that I was no better than her a**hole ex, who repeatedly berated her every day over stupid things. I would never do that to her, and guess what? If I had, she'd have killed me. So this just doesn't make sense.

Other than cases like that, or cases where complete losers get with girls that I like somehow, I'm not much of a jealous type.

It's interesting that mds, for one, seems to think it's "dickish" to be jealous. I don't think so. Jealousy, a lot of times, has a reason. If you think something is going on, it prooooobably is.

I did arrive to the logical conclusion that jealously is just not worth it; but that doesn't mean that I don't have to deal with it. I've learnt to cope with it and greatly dampen the core feeling and it's effects (an open relationship will do that ) and that's good enough for the moment.

Although rare instances exist where jealously helps mend a relationship, in general my thoughts on this are similar to what Kjas said; if she is really gonna stray, then let her stray. If I can't trust my partner to be faithful by her own choice, without me having to interfere, then she shouldn't really be my partner anyway.

a friend of mine who i dated a while ago was in a relationship with someone i thought was kinda a crappy guy. i hated thinking that she wanted him but didnt want me. thats the closest ive been. as i got to know the guy i realized he is rather nice, and they are happy together, and it stopped bothering me.

because i have a twin brother and were always competing, ive grown accustomed to not caring if he has something i dont. i think that played a big part in how tough it is for me to be jealous.

Not really, I am not indifferent but I trust the person I am dating.

It depends if you mean 1. irrational paranoid jealousy, or 2. justified jealousy.

I am not the kind of person who sufferes from paranoid irrational jealousy. I tend to be very trusting and assume everything is OK. If the person kept saying they loved me and only me, I would believe them. I would not be all suspicious and constantly ask: "where were you? Why were you talking to her? What have you been doing? You like her, don't you? You don't love me any more, do you? Waaaaaah!"

On the other hand, I am the kind of person who would get jealous if I caught my OH having an affair. It is totally normal to feel that kind of jealousy. Assuming you loved and trusted the person who has betrayed you, it would be weird not to feel jealousy.

That kind of jealousy (justified jealousy due to betrayal) is the kind that unfortunately makes you more likely to suffer from paranoid jealousy in your future relationships.

I can be very jealous, but I try not to act on it too much. I never was extremely so until after a bad long term relationship, where I really had the rug swept out from under me. There's a lot of insecurity that stems from that. My husband can be also, but talking about it with each other helps alleviate a lot of it.

I am jealous of your boyfriend - leave him and throw yourself into my arms instead.

This. When I was fourteen, my mom took me to a psychiatrist, because she thought I had anger management issues coming from suppression of other feelings. The psychiatrist performed all kinds of tests on me, and finally arrived at the conclusion I just don't experience certain emotions, and jealousy is one of them. I was in an open relationship for ten years, and he had two gfs during that time. I told him I don't get jealous, and I guess he thought I was mistaken, because he actually got at me for not being jealous of those other women (and I guess the time they spent together).