Married to a man with Asperger's. Please help.

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Hi. I have been married for nearly 7 years. The first 6 were amazing. This last year we had our frist child. Since then everything has changed. He is angry and irritated all the time about what I am doing. When I tell him my work schedule and mark it on our fridge calendar, if he forgets he is still annoyed an accuses me of never telling him. I feel as though I am walking on egg shells and there is nothing I can do right.

In May of 2012 when we noticed him getting worse I got him signed up with services in town. After the psychological evaluation came back confirming Asperger's (which we already knew about) and depression, we then got him signed up with a counselor. He has been once since then. Once. I have been going to counseling since August 2012 because the stress of managing our life and his coping skills was beginning to cause me panic attacks at work.

It used to be that I could state things as plainly as possible and that is all that needed to happen. Now when I do this he finds something to blame me, makes blanket statements about the situation, or just tells me that what I am feeling isnt true. This isn't how he used to be, at all. I can only think that his world has gotten more stressful to the point where he can no longer manage some of his tendencies anymore.

I don't know how to help him, how to help myself, or our marriage. I am open to any book, resource, or anything I need to do to help him. I can handle everything else with Asperger's, but I need the anger to stop. How do I do that?

Here is a book that may help.
http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/book/9781849058032
22 Things a Woman Must Know If She Loves a Man with Asperger's Syndrome
Rudy Simone
Foreword by Maxine Aston
Paperback: £9.99 / $15.95
2009, 216mm x 138mm / 8.5in x 5.5in, 112pp
ISBN: 978-1-84905-803-2, BIC 2: JM VFJD JHBK

If the Asperger is the problem then you would have faced problems with him since year 1.

Since your marriage have been successful for 6 years then it's not the Asperger.

^ I disagree. Just because someone is diagnosed with Asperger's doesn't mean their coping mechanisms can't falter or change due to extraneous events (I.E. introducing a new child into the household). I can appear nearly normal under conditions I can expect but introduce a huge deviation to my routine (a baby, perhaps?) and suddenly, whatever Asperger's symptoms I work to conceal, appear. It sounds like Asperger's is the culprit (not a doctor so take with grain of salt) but I also hope he's getting help for his depression. Anyway, I hope this is simply a transitory period for him as he very slowly adjusts to the changes but it's already been a year so that's looking increasingly less likely. Have you confronted him with the exact issues you detailed here? I know that when I was in a long term relationship, I always wished my girlfriend would explicitly state whatever she was unhappy about in the relationship rather than wait on me to figure it out like actors so adeptly do in romantic comedies. Most of all, I hope things get better for ya!

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time.

I think it could be a mixture of Aspergers and depression, perhaps exacerbated by feeling overwhelmed by being a parent. I would recommend books by Maxine Aston (there are several, and they are all available on Amazon)

The only thing I would say is that you can read all the books, and go to all the therapists but if your husband won't engage then you may struggle to change things. However much your husband is struggling, it is not right for him to be so angry at you and so unsupported.

I know this is a very personal question, so you don't have to answer but it's perhaps something to consider - was your child planned and did you discuss how your life would change once the baby arrived? Some men (with or without Aspergers) struggle with the arrival of a new baby and the change it brings to their life and their marriage. Have you tried asking him directly what has changed, or even 'What are you finding most stressful about our life now?'.

Thank you guys for your helpful responses. My baby (who will be one in a week), was planned. And we talked in detail about how things would be different, how my focus would change, what rituals would be compromised, and how it would have an impact on him.

Windtreeman- My husband sounds a lot like you. Many times he can fly under the radar but if something is caught off gaurd or he is not able to do something he wants/needs to do, then his symptoms surface. I am also very black and white with my husband. Its one of the things that has been so helpful over the years. However, now when I point things out to him he either tells me I'm wrong or that its not true, or that I am always picking on him. I in the end will apologize and nothing changes. His openess to me talking to him has changed.

Much discussion has been had about his stress level. Not just with the baby but also at work, as many things have changed for him there. (He's a high school math teacher.)

How do I get him to engage in this process in a loving encouraging way? How can I build him up and tell him what I need in a given situation?

Two possible things here (tied to each other...)
One, his normal routine has been disturbed to an extreme degree... many Aspies can't handle that well.
Two, he's probably not sleeping regularly either. I know I'm a cranky bear when I don't get my sleep! (Worse; short-term memory, decision-making, function and social skills are all impacted.)

Is he getting up with every baby cry? I remember those days... I pampered my wife like a princess and I got up with every cry to take care of the babies, bringing them to her for nursing, rocking/walking them back to sleep, etc. I got grumpy from the lack of sleep though.

there seems to be a fundamental imbalance between what you are willing to do in order to fix your marriage, and what your husband is willing to do. more effort and research on your part will help you to understand him better, but it will not preserve a marriage that he does not seem to be willing to save.

your child is part of the household now, and the dynamic of your family is changed forever. if he can't find a way to cope, he will continue to drag you down with him. and at some point the stressful dynamic between you two will affect the child too.

at a certain point, you may want to ask yourself: "is this situation likely to change if every bit of effort is coming from my end?" i can tell you that it is impossible to change another person's behaviour by just changing your own actions or behaviours, because you are not the problem. getting into someone's head can be enlightening, but if he doesn't really want to be helped, your hands are tied. it is HIM that isn't coping with change right now, not YOU. he has made you into his adversary, and i really believe that getting into his head will not fix that. he has to open himself up to change, he has to allow himself to be vulnerable, he has to seek assistance from you or from counsellors.

my solution is to lay out what you require in plain language - perhaps couples counselling or individual counselling or both. and make sure he learns how to have a dispute without getting nasty. if he refuses these things, perhaps it is time for a break.

sorry to be brutally honest with my take on this.