Dating two new gals...

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....I'm insecure. One is a year older than myself and workijng on her Masters in Physics. I havnt even gotten my bachelors yet, and its going to be in History. She knows so much more than I in scientific terms...in mot areas. I'm more well travelled and experienced in life I suppose, but I'm not as smart as her.

The other is very cute and driven. I like her a lot. Her family's cool, though, I could tell that some relatives (uncles/brothers) were giving me a stare. I'm not sure if its simply because they are protective of their neice/sister, or because I'm Asian (they are from a rural part....white people in the countryside of WA).

I hate choosing people and its kinda freakijng me out to know that I'm weighing out who I like more. it feels wrong. I've never dated conventionally before- in the past I met a girl and kinda had that girl, and only that girl, in my heart until she was my GF or told me that I'm in the friendzone. "dating" doesnt feel very special to me...but it is giving me more opportunities to meet women (at the same time). Does anyone else like only "dating" one person at a time? Or does everyone "date" by seeing several ppl at the same time and not committing until they choose someone?

it seems to be the norm to date more than one person now (and probably back then too) and even when you think you are boyfriend and girlfriend you still need to confirm that you are now in a monogamous relationship. Everybody seems to keep their options open all the time. I've read here on WP some consider it rude when their date or partner assumes you are dating automatically exclusively. Definitely different from what I was brought up as but... I guess The Times They Are a-Changin'

if you have difficulty choosing, keep hanging out with the both of them untill you have made a choice (either deliberately or by accident).
be sure to not commit too far to either without loosening the other; leading on both girls can and will cause you to lose them both

You're better off without the cute, driven one - seems like an NT. Stick with the ultra smart one, NOT the one who's family stares you down. They're staring you down because they see you as the wrong race. She's just making a statement of her independence by dragging you to a family function. You're gettin' used. She sees it as "Look at naughty me, I do as I please." Sorry for being so blunt. You should date more than one person if you can but select them from the Asian, highly intelligent, non-NT pool if you want to stay happy. Select one when you are ready and be sure she's just seeing you. A lot of people go around bragging about the fact that they might have 5 people in their life. Sure that's great but you have to look at the motives and conditions of each. Dating 5 wonderful people at the same time or even three is a pipe dream. Life doesn't work that way. By your post, I see you as running on that chemical our bodies make when we think we have it made. You're on a natural high right now, the higher you go, the further you'll fall when reality hits. Everybody has a motive. You know why you're dating right? Do you know the reality behind why girls are dating you?? Some girls want a meal ticket. Some collect guys like trophies. Some really do care about you. By someone keeping you in the friend zone means they're not interested in you and they're just being polite and haven't figured out a use for you. If you're smart, stay AWAY from that one whose family doesn't like you. You're gonna git chewed up. I swear on it.
Good Luck. I care because you're one of us and we need to care about each other. I'm a woman, 51 years old, I have two sons 14(Aspie) and 26 (NT - U.S. Serviceman) I'm also biracial(black/white). I know what I'm talking about because of pure, raw, experience. Another thing: That friendzone baloney - girls do this to keep you around for when their real love interest dumps them - they need to cushion the blow. When they get attracted to someone else again, you get demoted. This will happen over and over again until you wake up finally and realize that friendship isn't being some girl's doormat or rebound. Other guys will be getting the sex and all the rest but you - you're just "the friend" . Don't fall for it!! !

Last edited by RightGalaxy on 27 Feb 2013, 9:08 am, edited 1 time in total.

The reason why is because they feel insulted that you thought they weren't taken and that they are automatically all yours. It a thing of ego. It makes them feel as if they were in need of some sort of "rescue".

Her family's cool, though, I could tell that some relatives (uncles/brothers) were giving me a stare. I'm not sure if its simply because they are protective of their neice/sister, or because I'm Asian (they are from a rural part....white people in the countryside of WA).



Her family's not cool. Did she tell you that? If she did, you're a temp. If she's in college, and lives in rural WA, they have money and are probably educated, when those kind of people don't like you - (as in wrong color) - they'll stare but they won't disrespect you to your face. In a poorer area, it will be made very clear you're not accepted. They will disrespect you right to your face or more covertly.
Aspies have a hard time reading social cues. Because of this, you're better off with other Asians. You're safer emotionally and possibly at times, physically. Have you ever considered girls of Alaskan Native ancestry, if you'd like to try something different?

Last edited by RightGalaxy on 27 Feb 2013, 2:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I agree, keep your options open and you make a statement that you are both going to be in an exclusive relationship with each other as assuming someone is exclusive to you could lead to you finding out they aren't taking it as seriously with you.

Good luck.

One more thing. I know it feels good to think, "Wow I have two women". How do you know that the both of them aren't seeing other guys? They're seeing you aren't they? What makes "you" different than any other Charley? A LOT of women need something to do before than lock in on who they really want. Maybe you're just something for them to do until they get what they really want. Some people actually marry "safe" then they cheat like crazy afterwards.
They don't have to worry because Hubby will always be there for them. Don't get too big for your britches. It's not the 1940's anymore. Think of changing your major as well unless you're independently wealthy or you're thinking of running for political office. Grow up.

she did not claim her family was cool- I just concluded that from having dinner and a night out at their home. They stared for a good while in the beginning and also covertly when I was looking away- I caught intense looks my way when I swivelled my head around abruptly a few times during dinner and out in their big yard...it wasnt friendly, nor did it look hostile...just intense.

Last edited by tangomike on 04 Mar 2013, 6:42 am, edited 1 time in total.

I've made it clear I'm seeing the other person to each other them. They know and understand. The SUPER SMART ONE doesnt date more than one person, shes Mormon. The cute, driven one isn't seeing anyone else either. She doesnt date multiple people at once. They are both ok with me doing this and the vibe is that they are both trying very hard to be with me and to out do the other....and that is why I feel bad for eventually having to choose one. I've done this only because I want to try it out- so far I dont like it. Usually, I'm the one who is monogamous while the girls I dated were seeing multiple guys. I've been chosen over for someone else many times-that is why I feel insecure about it.

The cute, driven one said she really likes me and is trying hard to not get super attatched beacuse shes afriad I'lll just choose the Mormon girl, or an Asian girl over her. that made me really really like her more....and if thats some really well done acting, its sick...but shes going a long long way to hurt me if thats the case. They are both Christian (I am too) and the conservative kind in dating/love, not socially. . (the super smart one is a Mormon- theres no cheating or immorality in her family...they are....almost...TOO perfect...TOO proper..I've never seen anything quite like it).

All of my past girlfriends were White as i said before. Asian-American girls reject me all the time, I've never been on a date with another Asian American. I've dated Asians (moved here from asia) before. with the white girls I've dated/dating the attraction was based on were my intelligence, my drive to advance, my empathy and that I'm responsible (due to my wealthy parents NOT giving me a dollar after high school). From their own mouths. if they didn't find me attractive (physically) they would have no reason at all to agree to see me for months anyway....both of them are adamant about not letting me buy them too much stuff or dinners. they want to pay for it themselves....even though I WANT to pay and be nice to them. Two of my exs wanted to marry me, but they didn't have the same goals in life as me so I had to say no..and I had to dump them. the other two dumped me because they were just not as into me as I was them. I'm in Seattle and its mostly Caucasion mixed with a large Asian population and a significant Black and Hispanic population. Theres a lot of mixing here and intercial dating is hardly about 'using' a partner. I feel like that happens more often in more rural places where someone of color is 'special' only due to there rarity in the area, something that is different and will make daddy mad. If I lived in Kansas I'd be more cautious, but here a lot of girls and guys have, or have had partners who were not their own race. it's encouraged here-its a liberal state.

Try thinking of it from a different angle.

Who would you miss more after ending it?

I have a friend in the opposite situation.

He's white and has married an Asian woman.
Whenever he comes back after having visited her family (holidays, etc) he spends the next week confiding in me that he hates going down there, because they basically just shove him aside with the kids and ignore him the whole time. He feels like he becomes a burden.

So conflict with family, or feeling uncomfortable with a significant percentage of family members IS a matter to be concerned with; these are the people you will have to visit on special days of the year, and when every xmas and easter feels like you're being shoved in a pit and roasted... it can become burdensome on your relationship.

My suggestion would be that you find a moment to talk to her about this concern; find out what her family really thinks - have they talked to her about this? Did she notice? Does she honestly think they'll come around?

Maybe bring it up after introducing her to your family - how are they reacting to her?

Edit: PS - Have you experienced the OTHER girl's family?

Whoa Mike , didn't expect to see you back here. Welcome back
Myself, I pop back on here now and then too.

Honestly, it's not really "Dating" someone unless you go out with them several times and there's some chemistry. You should continue talking and hanging out with both until you're sure which one you're interested in. And then choose.

What if you choose one, dismiss the other, the one who you chose doesn't like you and the one you dismissed is gone?

If you need any more insight on this, just skype me man.

Whats your skype???

Ive been seeing both of them for two months now. we go out to dinner, we hang out and watch movies, i hang out with her friends and vice versa- we talk a lot about everything. so the numbner of times we've met up??? I think about 20 times, give or take a few. Thats the one with the family im taking about.

The Mormon girl Ive seen about 15 times- we do the same stuff, with the addition of dancing and we went on a backpacking trip.

we are dating, I know the difference between merely talking to a girl that I like and dating haha. thye both like me (from their own mouths)-thats why im feeling guilty.

Two months??! Do both of them know that you are doing that and ok with it?

It's time to choose one, it's about time you should know who you like more, otherwise you are being a player.

They both know of each other. I'm not a person who wants to ever hurt a woman (cus women have hurt me byu choosing other men over me when in this exact type of situation wihile they date another man or several more)...i made damn well sure they knew