Can't connect with anyone / maybe just plain crazy

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I have trouble getting dates, like everyone here, but that doesn't mean I can't do it, in large numbers if I work at it.

But, seriously, I think my ability to connect with other people and establish a relationship is at like the 2nd percentile even on this board.

How can one have the skills to make a good first impression but not the skills to go any further than a first impression? NT's always claim "it's all about first impressions."

Well, s**t, it's totally not.

If my social skills weren't that bad, people I don't know well wouldn't invite me to parties, and PwC wouldn't have hired me. Problem is I don't really know anyone.

If my fake functioning were more extreme, such that it was, in fact, easy to sleep around, rather than just possible to get laid sometimes, I think I would be ok with it. But it's not easy that way either. So I think I'm sort of stuck in a halfway point in social functioning and totally nonexistent when it comes to establishing relationships.

It is NOT supposed to work like this. Every system for helping people with Asperger's deal with their social problems does not focus on my problems.

I just love it when girls think there's a "connection" when there totally isn't.

Am I the only one?

I think that’s me.
But if I try to put it into words, my head starts to spin.
Maybe I’ll try again later.

I've got the opposite problem. I generally make god-awful first impressions but once people get to know me they usually think I'm pretty cool.

If you're just looking to get laid, you just need some acting practice.
If you want a real relationship, treat it like socializing>friendship>relationship

I can get laid.

It's the other stuff that eludes me. It's not that easy. I'm good at first impressions and shallow stuff, including small talk (not good at, but certainly ok). My skills end there.

I have trouble relating to anyone on any social level... let alone dating...

It’s not easy at all.
There’s so much going on all at once that it’s hard to explain.

I’m not even looking for a relationship right now. Just to maintain friendships and work.
Things always fall apart because people read me wrong.

One part is that people think I can handle more than I can, and then get mad when I can’t.
Sometimes I don’t even know what they want. Or what they’re mad about.
I understand pink slips and cold sholders, but I often don't understand why.

Sounds very familiar.

I have the exact same problem. A while ago I talked to a high-school friend and asked her what she first thought of me when she met me. She said:" I thought you were really like...ehrm.. cool. I thought i'd have to say something really cool to impress you and I just didn't know what to say". When I was in first form, the first day of class, one of the popular girls came sit right next to me and talked to me, probably because she thought I was 'hip' or something.
And recently I talked to another friend about it and she said: 'I can imagine people would think you are very popular at first sight, because you dress very well and look very well taken care off. You also know how to tell the punchline right'.

But then when people get to know my better I become weird en aloof and whatever. So appearantly my skills stop at looking decent and being able to say a few cheeky things/smalltalk.

You're certainly not the only one, I feel I can relate

You´re on an aspie forum, so a lot of people actually have the same problem...

A lot of people have this problem because of off-putting behaviors and lousy social skills. I have some of that, too, but my relational ability significantly lags my social functioning skills, even relative to other aspies, who are much lower-functioning but have close friends.

I was actually told "why are you here?" in a CBT group for people with Asperger's because my surface-level social skills were apparently fine. But then everyone else in that group has close friends, and I don't. I'm just sort of close with the person I happen to be sleeping with at any given time.

This sums me up. When I told some people when I received my Asperger's diagnosis, some outright refused to believe it. "You are nothing like the people with Asperger's I have seen!", I have heard more than once before.

I just started seeing a new therapist who specializes in Asperger's. She confirmed my diagnosis and I will be starting CBT with her (emphasis on practicing and building skills), but she mentioned how my going to Aspie-focused group therapy wouldn't really be useful for me because I'm already very fluent in surface-level social skills due to my much higher functioning. Unlike you, I don't bother with seeking sexual partners (low libido, perhaps), but I imagine I could if I really wanted to.

What I want, but can't seem to do naturally, is establish close emotional connections with people in person. The only close connections I have had are with movie characters (in the moment) and with online friends, which isn't exactly the most pure of emotional experiences nor is it constructive toward establishing friendships and relationships.

It's funny how you mention how you love it when someone thinks there is a strong connection when there really isn't one (at least from you). I have never been told of perceived connections, but it really makes me wonder how many people out there perceive a deep connection with me that isn't being reciprocated. Quite the food for thought.

I think it's funny when people read into me a lot too. Delusional.

I've kind of been through both situations, and it always takes work. Either getting laid a lot, or working hard at having connections and relating to other people (just out of loneliness) which takes work too. Sometimes more, actually. It doesn't "just happen" with me.

The thought of having a romantic/sexual relationship is extremely overwhelming now. I'm hoping I can have a real relationship someday, so working on "thinking about someone else" is important. It's not impossible to connect. It just takes more energy, I think. I used to be the other way around when I was younger. I'd put a lot of energy into meeting people the first few times, very outgoing and funny. Then I'd get completely drained after a while and drop off the face of the earth.

As an NT, and not fluent yet (I'm just learning) in AS...would it be wrong if I said..try to listen to the other person, ask questions, try to find a common interest. People love to talk about themselves. The more you listen and nod your head the more validated they feel. Also, mimicking their body language (mirroring) sometimes can build a bridge. On the other hand, for those times when a person feels a strong connection to you when you dont....well, that happens to us all. We read into the situations, sometimes it's reciprocated and sometimes its not.

Yeah, makes sense, for sure. I guess it's finding the common interest--or even common perspective-- that's sometimes tough. I can only pretend to be interested in what other people are interested in for short periods of time.