Ending marriage and moving on

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Hi all, after a lot of thought and soul searching, I decided I wanted to end my relationship with my wife. We've been married over eleven years. The last six years were difficult, and I didn't feel any love towards her in the last couple of years after we had a 'mini' breakup. I came to the conclusion that we were just too different, she's NT and got really frustrated that she couldn't 'change' me.

I finally built up the courage to tell my wife about my feelings a couple of weeks ago. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, and I felt such guilt at hurting her.

I'm the only one working at the moment, so I pay for everything. Her immediate concern was for what would happen to her. We don't have any children.

I said I'm happy for us to continue living together 'as friends' in the short term, as long as it doesn't get too difficult or stressful.

I think I'm going to stay with the status quo for at least the next few weeks. She's been suffering from depression for about six years, and is really struggling at the moment. She's seen her doctor and is back on anti depressants.

I'm not sure what to do future wise. Part of me wants the freedom to be on my own. So that means either me moving somewhere or her moving somewhere. She doesn't want to be on her own.

I'm getting the urge to see other people, which I think is probably due to the sudden breakup and the loneliness. I was feeling depressed myself over the Easter break, but my mood has improved a bit after returning to work.

I'm not sure what I'm asking, but would be happy to hear any advice or comments on getting through it, and it would be good if anyone who has been through a similar experience could let me know how it worked out for them.

Thanks for reading.

Be sure and protect yourself now that you have announced your intentions to your wife. She could become extremely spiteful, and will have no reason to make nice with you. Separate your money, and start an account which only you have access to, or she might withdraw your life savings and leave.

If you guys have gone through breakups and still ended up back together, she may not take your announcement seriously until you take some action to make a change. If you continue to live together and you don't get your own place or begin dating, everything will be just like it always was with her (except that she will be even more miserable than before.)

I feel for you, it's a hard road to go down. protect yourself like^said.
sleep in another room, stay strong, and help her without enabling her dependency. this will be the hardest, if she is afraid of being alone chances are change and looking for a new partner will be hard for her, but staying a dependent towards you is not the answer.

It's difficult to date when you are legally married as they see it not as final. They might be sceptic and keep thinking that you will end up back with your wife. Being honest doesn't seem to help. Perhaps I cannot get the message across clearly, even though I think I am being very direct.

From what you describe, you are certainly making the right choice for both of you. Keep in mind, the only thing marriage does is qualify you for divorce. Beyond that, what's the difference between being married and living together? In the future, you may want to consider relationships that involve no co-mingling of finances or personal possessions. That way, when it's time to end the relationship, that can happen gracefully and quickly. The world of relationships is changed such that there is no such thing as marital commitment. My observation is that marriage has spoiled a lot of great relationships. To put things into perspective, spend some time in the "Women's Studies" section of a bookstore or library and read about the feminist view of marriage, which is best described as "Marriage is a form of entrapment." There a lot of nice woman in this world and happy relationships occur, but all of the social forces are working against happy life-long marriage.

My brother went through a divorce last year & IMO moved onto another relationship far too quickly. I have no problem with his new girl, I just think they moved things along at far too quick a pace and now have to sort things out better. IMO, if you see other people - just see them. Don't move into together or make other much more firm relationship arrangements right away, as even if you don't think so you're going to need time to sort yourself and your life out post breakup. FYI he's AS (but doesn't accept it yet) & his ex (afaik) NT, and afaik the new one (old flame from high school days) is NT as well. If I were in your shoes, I'd enjoy my solitude for a bit - even if dating - and take a good year+ of living solo to really figure myself out and what I want/need out of life and a future relationship before diving headlong into one. No, there are absolutely no set rules on timeframes, and everyone is different, but I just don't think jumping right back into co-habitating is a very wise move.

As for the future ex, that's a tough one. I have NT friends that would say it's not their problem where she lives or how she pays her bills, just get her out of your life and move on. But that's cold. If she's capable of working, perhaps she could use the time you still have living together to find a job? If she isn't, maybe this will spark her into getting help for her depression if she hasn't sought it out over the last 6 years. As for finances, whether her or you, it may make sense to look into what her options are for some sort of social assistance in order to get a place of her own if she can't work.

Thank you everyone for the advice and comments, very much appreciated and lots to think over.

Does she at least have family or people she can stay with? It would be very hard to move on if still living together. You seem you are very caring though.

Both of you are really hurting. I just finished reading David Lynch's Journal of Best Practices about his AS/NT marriage that was restored to health after scraping bottom for so long. It sounds like your wife may fit some of the traits of codependency. Not an unusual response to marriage trauma. I hope all the best for both of you.

For everyone's convenience, I offer the following link to information on codependency:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

Thanks. No she broke off contact with her mother and brother, and most of her other relatives are in India. Most of the friends she made here, she ended up breaking up with them too when she found faults. She spends most of her time on the sofa on facebook, making new virtual friends, then blocking them when they start to annoy her.

I'm planning on sticking it out for at least the next three weeks due to work commitments. My current contract ends then, and after that I could theoretically get another contract anywhere in the country and get myself a small place near it. I've at least managed to insist we sleep separately, and she's stopped trying to cling onto me as much.

Thanks for the information on codependency. I can recognise a lot of the traits in how my wife acts with me and her friends.