Those familiar with my myriad posts over the years know (and are no doubt tired of) my posts about my lack of success in dating. I feel in recent months I've been improving, at least, from a mental perspective, in terms of learning to accept myself as I am, and trying to improve my self image, so that I may be ready to accept someone else too, and engage in romance and dating.
But I've often been conflicted, between my desire for a companion, and my embrasure of solitude. I veer from one to the other, and if I ever were in a relationship, I think I'd still need to have m own bedroom and bed, simply because I require space. I had often associated this as part of my aspieness, but now I'm not so sure.
You see, last weekend something happened. A friend, female, whom I've known for a while, came to visit. She lives and works in Thailand, and we hadn't seen each other for two years but kept in touch. She came back not long ago to see her family, and we hung out and watched a movie at my place. But things took a turn. Without going into details out of respect to her, I will say that while we didn't go all the way, things went rather far along. Making out, I suppose you'd call it.
This was the second time I've ever gone so far with a woman. It has never been with a stranger, and both people were ones whom I respected a great deal, and had a lot of trust and affection. Yet despite being a presumably safe and good environment for expressing physical attraction, in both cases, when it was over and done, I was left disturbed.
The first time, I thought it was from lack of experience. But after this second time, I'm not so sure.
I was disturbed because I felt very bestial and animalistic. I didn't like that I had engaged in this behavior. Even though it was mutual, I still felt I was using her, taking advantage, objectifying her for my gratification (though I was, at the time, very concerned and interested in ensuring they enjoyed themselves, and all indications are they did).
But moreover, in the days since the last experience, which was a week ago, I have felt my sexual interest do a cliff dive. the first time I kissed a woman it was exciting because I'd never done it. This second time though, it was fun, but then at the end sort of disappointing because it was...the same. Sure it was a different person, but it was...the same. One pair of lips or another, one pair of breasts or another. Nothing new was discovered.
I suppose it is partly due to the fantasy being made a reality, but what has resulted is, I don't have a desire to pursue a woman anymore...at least, the past week, it has all gone. And the thought now of going all the way, of losing my virginity and actually having sex just repulses me as something base.
The thing is I still have a desire for, erm how to say this politely, expression or release of desire. But lately it is enough to do it an a quick, self-stimulated way, and the release is achieved and the desire vanishes. I am satisfied and content. And meanwhile, my desire to be physical with another person has yet to return. My friend is still in town, and I could easily call her over. If I really wanted to, I could go all the way with her. As it stands, I don't think I will. I just don't have the desire to go all the way with her, or even repeat last weekend. It feels like, "It's happened, now I move on."
Is this asexuality? To have sexual urges, but to not desire to express them with people? To feel repelled by physical expression of affection with another person? To have such low desire that, having made out with a person, a week later the impact still lingers and I have no desire to do it again? Is this normal asexuality, or sexual dysfunction on my part? I mean, what IS asexuality? Does it imply NO interest, because the interest remains. It's just that I'm satisfied to abate that desire in the quick, self driven fashion; I feel at this time, that I don't desire to be with anyone in a familiar way...I'm repelled and repulsed by the physical act itself as something animal-like, something to be transcended. I feel now like I am close to transcending sexual desire, to be a person completely self contained, not needing anyone...
So, am I asexual?
29 Jun 2013, 9:55 am
