Recovering my marriage

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Approximately seven months ago my wife and I separated after several years of very difficult marriage. We had both extatic high points and very difficult low points. Since that time I went into therapy and started seeing someone else.

After several months of therapy a couple of weeks ago I was diagnosed with Aspergers. Further investigation lead me realise that a great number of the faults I had laid at my wife's door were actually down to our not being aware of my condition and its implications for our relationship.

I am now struggling immensely with everything that has happened. My wife says she still loves me and understands me all the better for this information and is willing to try again but I now have someone else actively in my life.

The synergy we had as a couple was amazing and feels irreplaceable. Am I crazy to think in light of new knowledge it could be fixable? Worse still if I'm not crazy what do I do? How do I tell a woman I've been seeing for several months that it's over when I know she will be massively upset by it and it will likely result in a confrontational conversation.

If as you say, you and your wife still love each other and both are willing to work on your marriage and it's truly what you want in your heart then you need to follow your heart and try to salvage your marriage.

I can relate though to not wanting to hurt this other person who you obviously care about too. But if you decide that what you really want to do is go back to your wife then you need to be open and honest with the woman you are now seeing. You can't prevent her from being hurt and that's hard for anybody but being Aspie myself I know it's super hard for us and overwhelming too.

Your situation reminds me so much of a former close friend of mine (when I read it I wondered if you are him, maybe you are but we had a falling out which I regret deeply and tried to fix to no avail so whether you are him or not I am answering you with exactly the same advice I'd give him).

Good luck and I sincerely hope everything works out for you.

I'm in a similar situation......I had an affair and we are recovering our marriage too.....

My suggestion be honest with the woman you are with and go back to your wife with the understanding that you both need counseling. If you still love each other it is worth it to try and make it work. I don't know if it can work or not I'm in the same place of trying to make things work...my husband just came back to me after being gone........not for 7 months......but we are sleeping together again and actually talking.....although I will admit we had a massive fight when he came back...........I hope I'm not crazy and that there is a chance that w/the knowledge it can work..........

That is a horrendous bind to be in, and i don't envy you one bit trying to find the way forward.

I can say that I have come to understand over the years that simple longevity ina relatiobship does have value, as odd as that sometimes sounds. Score one for returning to your wife.

In reading your anguish it seems clear you have strong feelings for your wife, feelings you cannot deny or control. Therefore if you do move forward with the new relationship it seems likely you will, whether you want to or not, be looking voer your shoulder and wondering "what if..." all the time. That would do no good for your new relationship. Score two for the wife.

The other side of longevity is the fact that inside that history that binds you is, by your account a long history of disagreements and arguing. You run the risk of falling into old patterns no matter what. Score one for the new relationship.

I have found it takes a lot of time and patience for NTs to appreciate the significance of my having Aspergers, even if they superficially feel like they understand it. You will need a great dela of patience with your wife if you go back to her because even though she feels she understands you better now, your character traits that irritated her will still be there and she may not be ready to compromise as much as you may need, Score two for the new relationship.

I wish you the very best.

Thanks all for the insightful comments, very helpful indeed. Fingers crossed that I can summon up the energy to do what needs to be done.