Aspergers and self-censoring

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I wonder if anyone else can relate to this.

I'm a middle-aged guy and have never had a relationship. This is despite the fact that when I became a teen, I had the same crushes, feelings and attraction to girls my age as probably the majority of guys do. However, not having had self confidence, I crumpled when others would have acted on their crushes.

I was also always on the margins of social groups, so it enforced in my young mind at the time the notion that I was hated by all and that for some weird reason, this was my destiny. I think I probably enlarged that notion to absurd proportions, but it ended up having a profound effect on the rest of my life.

Basically it compounded the problem. I was distinctly shy but also clueless as to how to "legitimately" express my feelings about someone. I dreaded coming across as some kind of unwelcome "pursuer" and realized that if I tried to express my admiration and feelings for someone, even with utmost politeness, it would probably backfire. I dreaded that, because I wanted the good in me to be seen, not the notion that I was some kind of freak that didn't belong to any group, trying to obtain something in life that the group thought I was unworthy of.

Since I was a polite and quiet kid, at some point I concluded that to show my respect for others and for their space (including the girls at school that I had crushes on), I would censor myself completely out of any situation where I saw beauty in someone. I might have had feelings that I wanted to express to them, but after realizing that I didn't know how to be a person that people actually wanted to include in their activities, I only saw potential defeat in my mind, even as I dreamt constantly of succeeding. So what I did was to simply quash my intense feelings so the outside world didn't have to be bothered by them. I dealt with the pain privately.

When I got older, I made efforts to socialize but there was always something missing. My politeness never got me anywhere. I couldn't figure out why it wasn't working, as logic told me that a "good" woman would want a considerate, articulate and sensitive guy who could articulate to her in words how beautiful she appeared to him. My logic told me that doing this would only bring severe riducule and marginalization.

The net result is that I had to make a deal with my cluelessness and "do nothing" about my feelings. It left my head feeling like a balloon (expanded with questions and cluelessness), and my heart feeling like a rock. The heavy heart has never gone away.

I have a lot of respect for the NT women who understand Aspies and have the courage to see beyond the limitations of the autism, so as to see the good in their partners. I just want to state my respect for those of you who this may describe.

To anyone struggling with something like I have described, I hope you find understanding people in life and maybe the self confidence to not do to yourselves what I have done to myself.

I raised the same concerns about myself in a different place from WP recently.
I did this as well even on the Internet if it was girls in or accessible to my immediate social circles.
This still happens now only I replace the politeness with distancing humor, conclusive sentencing and professional mannerisms if it's a work colleague.

Not really sure what to tell you other than to take risks. The rare times I do take any risks it's 50% successful, which is plenty enough.
There's risks with anything and eventually you're going to have to take them. I've found the more risks I have taken the more I've been able to handle what happens afterwards.