lost the same Aspie man twice

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Help! I had a dear friend who was diagnosed with Asperger's at mid-life. I was his high school girlfriend. We were in love, but he broke up with me for Asperger's reasons when he went to college. Decades later, he emailed me out of the blue asking my forgiveness & explaining. We renewed our friendship due to our many mutual interests, planned to start a business together, & fell in love again. Problem: he was married. I urged him to go for therapy & stop deceiving his wife, & refused to be part of a longterm emotional affair triangle like he wanted. We are both moral people, & this was not right for him, his wife, or me.

Earlier this year, he finally went to therapy, told his wife about me, entered marriage therapy with her--& immediately ended all contact with me, but continued to check the secret email he had for messages from me. (He replied to 2 messages about charitable donations he committed to.) I was devastated. I lost my BFF, business partner, & love of my life all by urging him to be honest. They have no kids & have been married 18 yrs. As a woman, I understand what she's gone through in their marriage. I also know that he needs a friend, & that their 30 point difference in IQ levels can't be "fixed," nor can his Asperger's be "undone" in marriage therapy. (They also had a failed marriage therapy effort earlier in their marriage.)

I'm still very hurt, very confused, & miss my BFF. Without contacting him or showing up at the funeral, I did my best to be a true friend when his father died. I don't know if I should accept that I'll never hear from him again, or be prepared for another out-of-the-blue email wanting to reconcile with me.

welcome to WP, Mary

Hello there. It sounds like you did the 'right' thing...shame that wasn't the best thing for you.

As painful and difficult as it is, you might want to consider moving on. No point on waiting around on someone who might just never make the party, as sad as it is.

That is not "ending all contact." That is betraying your own moral convictions about what is right and wrong, still hoping to get what you want. The fact that such a conduit for contact still exists is a betrayal of his marriage by both of you. You're just clinging to unnecessary drama and causing yourself pain. Move on, there are other people out there and other relationships to be had. Close that email account and move forward, or languish in unrequited longing and regret, the choice is yours.

There is no perfect one and only 'soulmate' without which you can never live happily ever after. That's fantasy, and the longer you sit around wishing for unattainable fantasy , the more bitter will be your disappointment.

Also, there is no remote connection with this man's Asperger (ahz-pair-gur) Syndrome and his amoral behavior - but you should keep in mind that if he's willing to betray one commitment, there's no reason to believe he won't betray another.

Hi Mary, and welcome to Wrong Planet! This is a tough time for you. It's hard to deal with, but it's best not to get in the middle of marital problems that others are having. Also, it's best to avoid dating people who are already married or with someone. There are enough unattached singles out there to date. Going with someone who is already taken will only cause frustration and heartbreak. The partner will always have some influence over the person you want to be with, and that will always put strain on any 3 way relationship. It's not a healthy situation. Just look for someone who is unattached. And always ask them up front if they are married or seeing someone else.

Sorry things didn't work out. Hope the next one is Mr. Right!

Does anyone else get tired when people spell out our disease

"Asperger's" or "assburgers"?

Anyway, I wouldn't accept another email from him until he explains why he wants to be with you so bad. You're his 2nd option and you're an NT anyway, can't you find a man that's NT? Why do you want to give him another chance after breaking up with you once decades ago and then just blowing you off a 2nd time without a thanks and now no more contact? That's not aspergers, that's just being rude IMO on his part and really indecisive.

That's just me though going on the information you provided. Only you know all the details.