How to know my own mind?

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OK, so as to not derail any more nice people's threads with my own problems; here's one of my own. (I'm not actually sure I am even allowed to start a thread. I haven't read all the FAQs yet. A Bit like whasisname with the Warehouse 13 Manual)

I'm 42 years old. This is a bit meh because I look and act a lot younger but nevertheless it is still there. I have been in relationships. Long ones and short ones. I've been single for 4 years now. The first 2 years I knew I wasn't ready so when guys showed up I didn't really want anything to happen. Last year or so I keep thinking I am ready but really, I am not so sure. How do you know if you are ready?

I am ready for a close friendship and someone to share bills and cat responsibility with. I'm not sure I am ready for romance. I don't even know what that means. Sex? Erm. I think I am a typical aspie when it comes to sex. Really into it at the beginning and then it's like...yeah, bored now.

I really really really really enjoy being single. Being on my own. I am terrified of losing this. And I don't understand this 'putting yourself out there' business at all. I meet new people all the time. Lots of them are nice, some of them I'm even attracted to, but..it's like they are on one side of the ravine, and I am on this side and there is no bridge and the drop is three miles deep and there is bubbling magma at the bottom.

Sometimes I can get a bit too dramatic.

I miss writing.

Anyway, back to dating. I don't want to meet countless wrong people. I hate small talk. I don't want a fling. I am just utterly uninspired really and to be honest, I am wondering if it's because of where I live. How can I figure all this out?

Thanks.

Also, feel free to talk about your own stuff. Or whatever. I'm cool with any random stuff. Just think smiley thoughts when you type

Small talk is about working out who's the wrong people early enough to avoid some of them.
Wanting a new relationship without wanting small talk is like wanting a new house without all the BS of building it.
Everything that's done to properly construct a new house is a major pain in the ass. Major.
See the similarity? =)
PITA

One of the tricks to learn is simple for me: I spent too much time figuring out how my mind works, that it is possible I forget how feelings and emotions work. Too much of either can be a bad thing I guess, but a fine balance is probably needed. When I am communicating with people, I can feel something, or I don't. The people I don't feel anything for will obviously have no impact on my decision making while those who make me feel something will either have us pursue eachother further, or run away from danger.

Why do you you think it's where you live? You said you meet a lot of new people some of whom you're attracted to. You think where you live makes you uninspired?

I'm very similar to you in some aspects but I don't think I'm ready for a close relationship and I hardly meet anybody I find attractive and interesting locally. No one my age seem to have the same interests as me.
I think my biggest problem is that I lack in dating experience. I'm as clueless as a teenager.
I don't know the rules of dating. I think I'll be happy just to find someone I can share my interests with at this moment.

thanks guys, sensible comments, stuff to think about


as for the place I live.. the reason I say that is because I don't find many people attractive where I live. I sort of have to talk myself into it a bit and also, most of the ones I do find attractive are far too young for me. When I go abroad I suddenly find a lot more people attractive and also I find it easier to know when I guy is interested in me. English guys are very confusing and they pretty much always want the woman to be the initiator. I haven't found anyone I like That much yet. dunno.. This is why I am wondering if I am really interested in meeting someone or I'm just messing with myself.

^^ So English guys do want women to be the initiator. I was wondering about that. I agree that English guys are very confusing. It's hard to tell if they are attracted to you or not.
Here in the states, it seems like both men and women flirt heavily with someone they find attractive, so it's easier.

Maybe you're just not in the dating mood right now. I think I am getting into that mood since the weather got colder. Winter is just not the best season to meet people.

I have no idea myself. I'm not sure it works that way. Sadly, it seems that you want it all to be easy, and for it all to fit together without any risk and any massive effort. Join the club.



I think that sounds very honest and very achievable. I think romance is more a state of mind and a way of thinking than anything else. This can be rather transitory. I'm not knocking it; it's just that I'd take a true friendship over anything else, any day. It's more substantial.



I know the feeling. I really do. Their notion of a relationship isn't quite mine. Tried it, done it - never again. Would I rather be single than 'play along'? Yes. It's kinder to everyone involved. Jeepers, I even started that 'proud to be single' thread. Yet, sometimes I do wonder, perhaps I just want something different than I had before, and more akin to relationships I had in my teens, which involved being with someone for rather more simple reasons.


It's vital that I have a creative outlet - if I'm not being creative in some way, I become more annoying than usual. NaNoWriMo is next month. You might want to consider having a go.



You want something, and realise you'll probably have to put in x10 more effort than 'normal people' to get it. Kind of off-putting isn't it. I dunno, I've done all the dating, plenty in my teens and twenties (perhaps to satisfy some curiosity, or to 'bridge a gap' I didn't understand) and had fun (at times) in the past, and it's hilarious - my twin, who is very inexperienced, is ready to have a proper crack at it. The thought of dating in that way, well, it makes me weary. However, the thought of making more genuine friends who understand that, underneath my NT camoflage, I do have life-long 'weaknesses', now that is a different thought.

What you said about 'How to know my own mind' - well, mind, it's such a transitory thing. One minute you'll want something, the next you won't. I wouldn't always go off what the mind wants. Confusing, eh.

English men are just inferior

So leafy, when are we meeting up, then?

Completely confusing. And to someone on the spectrum and non-English it's 20 times worse



I know! Recently I met this American guy who was very obviously flirting with me - I mean so obviously that even I didn't have any trouble telling that he was flirting, although if my friends who were there didn't comment on it as well, I probably would have talked myself into the idea that he was just being friendly. Anyway he was married so it wasn't going to go anywhere, but it does make it easier when they don't make their interest in you into a Times crossword puzzle.

[quote
Maybe you're just not in the dating mood right now. I think I am getting into that mood since the weather got colder. Winter is just not the best season to meet people.[/quote]

I think I'm in a dating mood really I just don't know how to get what I want. I have noticed that every time I see some new guy from a distance, I get a little bit excited thinking 'ohh could this be the one' lol and then my heart sinks when they get close and I realise I don't fancy them after all.

- You are very right about me wanting things to be easy. I hate having to make an effort about anything. This is why I would believe I was just plain lazy rather than on the spectrum if it weren't for all the sensory issues.

You make other good points too..

- I have been NOT doing NaNoWriMo for like 6 years now. Every year I say to myself I don't have the time and I'll do it next year. One year I started ...and lasted exactly 2 days.. Have you done any?

- Are you asking me out on a date or were you joking? See what I mean? It's really not that easy to tell what's going on...

English men want women to initiate whaaaaat!

I might have to move to England if that is the norm! Hopefully it is not as bad with unrealistic expectations as it is here.

The whole part about you getting bored with the romance part after awhile I wonder too if it would happen. Romance and this love stuff seems like some new and interesting thing I have never tried I haven't a clue how I could make it last.

There are some advantages to not wanting to make an effort. Many people huff and puff and waste energy 'looking' like they are effective.

English culture seems to argue that it's those who work the 'hardest' who get the most rewards. Perhaps it's those who work the smartest.

NaNoWriMo - yeah. http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt242380.html

I'd like to get to know you better, yes. You might make a good friend, and vice versa, or who knows. Life's a funny thing.

I don't agree with this. I find that the 'council estate class' will have no trouble initiating. More educated men, though, are maybe not as forward as in other countries - because masculinity is sometimes seen as a strange thing in England.

Also, it depends on the person.

Also, it depends on the society. English society isn't always the easiest place to connect. Of course, it varies from region to region, but many people tend to live in their own bubbles.

On romance - everyone's different on that. The notion of it sells books and makes Hollywood go around. I see it as having lovely ice cream. It's a great feeling - but a lifetime of it isn't necessarily going to nourish you, alone. Simplistic, and reductive, I know.

Wafflemarine - octobertiger explained it quite well. I am not sure how to really explain what is going on, I could give you a lot of examples, but those are all examples. English men expect to be chased and they expect women to pay for their half of the bill on dates. Of course this is a terrible generalisation, but let me quote a young male friend of mine (about your age) who said this to me before he and his current girlfriend started going out: "I don't know what to do. I am so used to girls doing all the initiating, texting me, suggesting what to do and she doesn't do any of that - I am not sure she is interested in me at all."

That sounds grand. We could get to know eachother by doing NaNoWriMo 'together'? Do you want to be Neil Gaiman or Terry Pratchett?

I think that English men of a certain class in society are happier being passive in relationships - it's easier doing whatever a woman wants, isn't it, as there will be 'no problems'. Also, it's a cop-out, because if a man takes a woman to a place and she doesn't like it, he fears it will impact negatively on the way that she sees him. So, it's far easier to let her choose, to 'make her happy'.

NaNoWriMo - Wellllll...not a bad plan, but I don't know, not sure I'm up for it this year. Having said that, I certainly could help you/kick your arse across the finish line. Depends what you want to write and on lots of other stuff.

^ yes you are right. I am so over that tbh.

re: writing etc. we'll do that via pm..