I'm in a tough position

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(The exposition for this post can be found here: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt245744.html)

So, things went a little downhill after that post. Nothing dramatic (then), but we met a couple times, and even though it wasn't explicitly spoken, our rapport seemed to become pretty platonic. We only had finals week and the week before, so we didn't have much time anyway.

To make a longish story short, I just got back from Christmas break, and I now know that she was having sex with my best friend over break. I suspected this, because they had a bit of a flirtatious rapport in the past, both seemed to be avoiding me over break, and she had New Year's party that she didn't actually invite me to. It was confirmed a couple days ago when I outright asked my friend. However, he claims that he didn't know that there was anything between us, and I'm inclined to believe him; he seemed genuinely confused when I asked if he was hiding something, and told me that he had been seeing her without missing a beat. I would expect him to be more evasive if he was actually hiding something.

So, I really have no regard for the girl in question. Obviously, I'm very upset that she had sex with anyone in the general window that I expressed interest, especially considering that it was my best friend, but we weren't in any kind of committed relationship so I can't actually be angry about that. What truly, truly angers me is that she did something that-unless she has significant cognitive or emotional handicaps that I don't know about- she knew would cause a rift between my friend and I, and she didn't care because she would be out of the country by the time it blew up. I've unfriended her on facebook, and if she attempts to contact me, I am not going to be friendly. I'm undecided as to whether or not I should contact her. Obviously, she broke my heart and bruised my ego, but she also knowingly ruined a strong friendship, which I consider unforgivable.

Things are obviously awkward between my friend and I. We've been near each other in large social settings, but we're not actually speaking. I feel like the onus is on me to prompt any reconciliation, since I'm the upset one, but I still don't feel ready and I'm not sure how I would do it anyway.

Thank you to anyone who actually read this.

From what you have written, I don't really see how anyone did anything particularly wrong...my advice would be to patch things up with your friend and move on from the situation.

She did something that she knew would irreparably damage my relationship with my friend, and kept both of us in the dark as long as possible. Coupled with the fact that she'll be gone this semester, I think that she knew this would happen and just didn't care since she wouldn't have to deal with it. This is aside from me feeling personally insecure and hurt, which I acknowledge are ultimately personal issues. If you feel that I've misjudged the situation, I'd like to know. I'd rather figure things out on an anonymous message board than say something completely inappropriate.

How can you be so sure she knew this would do damage to your friendship? If he didn't know you had feelings for this girl, why would she think you'd blame him? Maybe she thought she was being tactful by seeing him while you were away. You can't know what she was thinking. And you really shouldn't hold it against your friend. He in no way betrayed you.

+1. If there's a rift in your friendship, then focus on your friend or move on. If this girl is out of the picture, then she's an irrelevant distraction from any real problems. My guess is that you're trying to lash out inappropriately because of hurt feelings.

+1+1
it is easy to get confused and intimate when emotions are heightened and alcohol is involved. i agree with the advice in the quotes

You did the right thing in finding a safe place to vent. Your relationship with the friend will probably not benefit from too much analysis. If you play it down, he will probably forget about it a lot sooner than you expect. Work it out here, rant and rave, then try to get back to a normal friendship.

There are various levels of "knowing." Maybe she "knew" at some level, but I doubt that she really spent much time thinking about it. You are not very important to her, and she shouldn't be so important to you. Forget it, or at least cultivate the appearance of having forgotten it, and move on.

General bullet points, because most people seem to be saying the same things:

-In the time since I last posted, I hugged my friend and told him that I loved him, so the reconciliation has been prompted. Not saying it's going to be completely easy for me.
-I haven't "lashed out" at anyone, let alone inappropriately, and resent that comment.
-Didn't mention this in the OP, but the day that she left the country, she texted me saying that she was "really going to miss [me] a lot." She either cares about me or wants me to think she does, so I don't think that her considering my feelings while having sex with my best friend is much of a stretch. Honestly, I don't like deferring from the seeming consensus of rational people, but I still basically think that she's a bad person and I have no inclination to reconcile with her or act in an affable manner if she contacts me.
-The best solution would be to find someone new so that I can forget about this girl, but historically, I don't have much success with that, so it's going to be hard.

I apologize. You took the passive-aggressive route and quit speaking to your friend.




It's good that you and your friend made up, but you might feel better if you try not locking people into stark black/white categories. The point of this thread to me seems like you asking for validation for doing so. Feel free to clarify if I'm misreading.

I confronted him with something that was bothering me and we incurred a few days of awkward silence in social situations. I'm not trying to be pedantic, but I feel that you're unfairly painting me as an a-hole.

No, either I misread or you need to clarify. I bow out and wish you luck.

The situation is more complicated than it needs to be.

She slept with your best friend. Your best friend didnt know you liked her. Either she led you on or didn't, but the details (I haven't read the other thread), seem to indicate that she hasn't. You're upset with best friend, and girl gets punished by you. Trust me on this: punishing a girl never works.

Chances are your best friend is going to ask her about you if he decides to continue seeing her. At that point, he will tell you something. What he tells you right now remains to be seen. Your friendship with him likely won't end based on something he says or does. But as far as that girl goes, I wouldn't speak to her unless he is okay with it.