Reconciliation ideas?

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My long term and possibly AS boyfriend broke up with me last week. I believe his decision may have been based on his misunderstanding my feelings towards him. Lately I have not been expressing or showing them enough. I was in a bad mood a couple of weeks ago and he couldn't take it and walked out on me. He is highly sensitive and cannot handle the mildest of conflicts.

I might be clutching at straws. Possibly he just decided he doesn't like me any more.

Since we broke up, we've exchanged a few polite texts, initiated by me.

On one occasion, he sent me an email with a link to a website which he thought I would like. No words added, just a kiss. That's the only sign from his end that he wants to keep the lines of communication open and it isn't much to go on.

I'm now leaving him alone and hoping he will miss me. I do feel that at this point he will be wanting to contact me, to find out how I am and so on. But he won't do it as he will not want to risk being faced with me getting emotional. Or being seen to go back on his decision to break up.

Eventually, I'm going to have to be brave and contact him to suggest we meet up, as I can't take the chance that what was a wonderful relationship has ended on the basis of a misunderstanding, namely him thinking that I don't love him. I think he will agree to meet, if I can put it to him in a straightforward and non-emotional way and provided I have some specific reason for meeting up. I realise I might be setting myself up for further heartbreak, but someone has to take the risk here.

If anyone here has been in this situation of trying to make peace and start over, I would be really grateful to hear... Thanks.

i am sorry to hear about your heartbreak but I fail to see how that was a wonderful relationship when you are not permitted to be who you are and have to completely sublimate your own needs for the other person who is not willing to do the same?

That seems a pretty clear indication of something.

The kiss - he always puts those on texts and emails and he if just stopped after we broke up, he would realise that would seem abrupt and cruel, so I'm not sure it means anything.

Leafplant, are you meaning that an NT person in a relationship with AS has to sublimate their needs? In most ways he was the ideal boyfriend, caring and romantic. My issue was that we didn't get enough time together which was partly due to his interests but also partly geography. He tried as hard as he could, I believe. I pressed him for more than he could give. It was me who had to be flexible, because I could - he couldn't.

It is as though he put up a wall of steel when he broke up with me. He gave the impression he would never change his mind. And yet I am certain that at this moment he is missing telling me the stories of his week, as much as I am missing telling him mine. This feels so unnatural and I need to find a very gentle way to try to break down the barrier so that we can keep connected.

I guess an NT/AS break up might be similar to any other, but what I'm thinking is that there is more room for misunderstanding in the lead up to it as an Aspie might not read things correctly. Being highly sensitive, he could get overwhelmed and take flight (meltdown?) at the first sign of discord, rather than understanding that all relationships hit rough patches and that you have to work at it.

I was referring to this:


He is your long term boyfriend who broke up with you when you couldn't hide your bad mood? How can you be in a relationship when you are never allowed to be a in a bad mood?

Thanks for clarifying, Leafplant.

I agree one should be allowed to have a bad mood without the other walking out. But I don't think he can help walking out because he has zero tolerance for stress and conflict of any kind. He doesn't see that these types of difficulties are a normal part of life. As I love him unconditionally, and as the positives of the relationship far outweigh the negatives, I'm going to keep communication going via text and hope that his trust eventually rebuilds.