Failed attempted relationship scaring me away

Post Reply New Topic

Hi guys,

I guess I'm just confused, basically. I fell for someone once, about a year and a half ago, and for 6-ish months things were pretty good, we weren't together but we were really close and I thought we would eventually get together. Finally I got sick of waiting and asked him if we were just friends or were we more, he brushed it off and never gave me an answer. Eventually I got sick of always getting brushed off and never getting a direct answer. I don't understand why people can't just say how they feel, I can't read between the lines and figure it out and I don't know how to flirt so I just want people to say it outright like I did. And lots of people say they want people to be upfront - but when I am, suddenly I'm weird, or coming on too strong. So I distanced myself from this guy because he really hurt me, he was always going on about hot women on the tv around me even when I said that doing it all the time hurt my feelings. And he said I was too young for him [he's 11 years older] then went on a date with a girl a year older than me, and he would always invite me round for late-night movies and stuff which my friends said was a sure-fire sign that he wanted me to be his girlfriend. Except when I asked him he wouldn't answer.
And, he's a big guy, not conventionally attractive - but it did not matter one bit to me. I'm very overweight, 230-ish lbs so I know I'm not attractive either but I think I thought that he couldn't hold my weight against me considering he was big too? But it seems he did. So now I feel even worse about myself than I ever have done before - when we first met I actually bothered to put on make-up and try to look nice and started feeling good for the first time in my life.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I feel really lonely, and I want to share my life with someone, but I don't ever want to feel the way he made me feel again. It was a year ago that we stopped seeing each other all the time but it's had a lasting effect. And I've never had a relationship, so I don't know how I'd be, but I wish I could find someone who would find the difficult parts of my personality bearable and who would love me for me, and understand me, and give me space when I needed it.

Does anyone else ever feel like a relationship is out of reach? Or that they are lonely, but are so scared of things going wrong or getting rejected that they don't want to try?

Yeah... I've had similar experiences.

It seems to me like this guy just wasn't into you. If he actually had feelings for you, it wouldn't have worked out that way. I know it's hard, but you just have to keep trying until you get different results. Everyone is different, so you can't base your perception of reality on one person's actions.

I try to connect with people at the AA/NA meetings and outpatient therapy I go to. I'd like someone to ask me out for coffee or breakfast or lunch or to watch a movie in their house. So far? Nothing. I'm lonely too and it's painful. Traditionally, I didn't care about meeting people because I'm a recluse. Now that I've started venturing outside it seems like it might be nice to meet people again. I'd like to put my hermit days behind me but I guess that's not happening any time soon.

It is really hard to connect with people. I tend to find I'm really good at forming "surface" friendships, so I can get chatting to people and form a casual friendship really easily - I used to be too scared to order food in a restaurant, speak in class or answer the phone, but 4 and a half years of waitressing really helped me - but an actual deep relationship is so hard.
The thing that really confused me with that guy was that he kept inviting me round all the time, calling me and he also occasionally joked about how he saw us together in 10 years time, couple of kids, me a doctor [my chosen career]. Why do people say things like that if they don't mean it? My NT friends were all telling me he was into me and I should go for it, and it ended badly. In high school I really liked someone and never spoke up, 5 years down the line he tells me over facebook that he always liked me and if I'd spoken up he would have said yes. How do I win?