I'm NT and really need help with my AS boyfriend of 9 years

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I know that there are several posts like this, but not entirely like this, so please bear with me...

I met my boyfriend 9 years ago when we both taught at the same school. We became brilliant friends and started going out a year later after we moved in together with 2 other teachers. At the time, we had no idea that he was AS - we found out 4 years ago. Our relationship always had a few issues - mostly to do with communication and misunderstandings. We would fall out over things that I had no idea how we could even fall out over. All this makes sense now though. However, he was very clingy and loving and we had sex several times a night for a couple of years. He'd had a failed engagement several years prior to knowing me, but he was greatly affected by it, and this meant that he didn't like me going away and seeing friends. He wanted me to spend all my time with him. Stupidly I agreed to this, and now only have 4 friends left. After a couple of years, he really started to withdraw from me. I couldn't understand it and my response was to cling VERY tightly to him. I had no friends left by this point and desperately wanted our relationship to remain as it was. We stopped having sex so often, he'd get angry over weird things, he wouldn't hold my hand or cuddle me, he wouldn't tell me he loved me and at times I could do nothing right. He was getting worse and worse, and I clung harder and harder. I know now how wrong this is to do to someone with AS. One day he came home and told me that he wasn't sure that he loved me any more, that we make each other miserable, that I was holding him back from doing things, that I was too clingy etc. He wanted a trial separation. I was devastated. Although I knew there were problems, he always maintained that we were fundamentally ok. He'd kept it all from me. The next 5 months were the worst of my life. I saw him fairly often, and he'd always seem so furious with me when I saw him. He's look at me as if he hated me. This would last a couple of hours, and then we'd be back talking as normal and everything would almost seem fine. Then I'd go back to where I was staying after a couple of days, and the day I'd be going, he'd be really quiet and sullen. I was sure he really did love me and didn't like me leaving, but he refused to talk about what was going on.

During this time, he found out that his two much younger half-brothers had Asperger's, that his dad has it, and so he might have it. We'd always joked about his Aspergic tendancies, so it wasn't a massive shock. He did all the official tests and sure enough, he scores incredibly highly. It answered almost all my questions, and he even started to talk about our problems etc. As I was about to leave one evening, he told me that he wanted to make it work. He missed me and loved me and that his life was better with me in it. He said that he believes that if he can't make it work with me, he wouldn't be able to make it work with anyone (I actually really agree with him on this). Funnily enough, all those things that I was holding him back from doing, he still hadn't done.

It wasn't easy at first, but we went from strength to strength. I read up on ASD and tried to think things through more in terms of it. I don't whinge when he disappears for days on end to play whatever computer game is his current obsession; I give him space during arguments (this one is really hard as all I want is to resolve things quickly, but he refuses to speak); I am considerate to the sounds he can't bear to hear etc. Last year we bought a house together.

In the months leading up to Christmas, he went into a massive depression. He does suffer from SAD, and he was having a horrible time at work (he really hates it) and he has suffered from depression in the past. He stopped speaking to me almost entirely. He mumbled everything and I didn't know what was going on. I thought it was work, but he wouldn't confirm or deny. I then started worrying that it was me. I tried to rationalise it with everything I know about ASD, but it became too much and I asked him if it was me. He told me that m=not everything is about you, but wouldn't confirm or deny. He decided to cancel Christmas. We wouldn't be buying each other gifts. I was devastated. The day before we broke up for the Christmas holidays, I came home and he spoke to me. He wanted to buy a Christmas tree and we could buy each other gifts. My heart soared. The day we broke up, he was almost himself again. It was all to do with work - not me.

Since then, we've been good. He has seemed really happy lately, and has been talking about plans for our future etc. THERE HAS BEEN NO SIGNS OF UNHAPPINESS AT ALL. A month ago he went on a residential fieldtrip with school. He was away for a week and during that time he became friends with the newer teachers that had joined the school this year. He has no friends at all, so I always love it when he makes some (even though they never seem to last). A week later he told me that he was going on a night out with them after they finished school on the last day of term. "Great" I said, "let me know when you need picking up." Then he started acting really oddly. He said he might stay at his parents house as it would be late. I siad I didn't care. Then it was too far - which is nonsense. He stormed off when I kept saying it was fine - as it always had been in the past. When he came back, I asked what was wrong. He said he didn't want to come home, he just wanted a night out with new friends. What was wrong with that? Nothing of course, but I pointed out that his parents were on holiday and wouldn't be there. "That's the point" he said. He was behaving so strangely. I knew he was keeping something from me, and although I trust him completely, my mind went to the fact that he was going out with female teachers whom I'd never met; he didn't want to come home and he wanted to stay in an empty house. I emailed him mum the next day (she is the only person I talk to about him because I'm worried that other people will think badly of him because some of the things he says and does do seem incredibly selfish and hurtful towards me. She will never judge him though). I told her everything, and she agreed it sounded odd. I also said that he was supposed to be coming with me to visit friends the next day, and that it was really important to me that he came - which he knew. He actually went round to see her after school that day and asked if he could stay over. Thankfully as she knew the situation, she was able to talk to him about why we'd fallen out, without him realising I'd spoken to her. When he came home, I tried talking to him again, and he still denied keeping anything from me. Eventually I asked him a question that his mum had already given me the answer to - will it just be you staying there? "That's why you might think that I'm keeping something from you - my friends would be staying too." As some are women, he thought I'd have a problem with it. My only problem was having things kept from me and me being lied to. He admitted he'd made a mistake. He assured me he'd be back in time to see my friends the next day - especially as they'd altered all our plans to make sure that he could make it after his night out.

The day after he'd been out, I waited for him to get home. An hour and a half after he should have been home, and an hour late for leaving, he told me he couldn't come but please don't be angry as it had been a rough night and early morning. I thought something bad had happened, but his reply to this question was that he'd drunk too much red wine and everyone had wanted to leave early so he hadn't had much sleep. I was furious! He knows red wine makes him ill, and he chose to drink so much of it even though he knew we had places to be the next day. I told his mum who was also furious with him. She encouraged me to stand up to him and demand answers and an apology etc. All my knowledge and understanding of ASD went out the window. I was late to see my friends and ended up only being able to see one of them for a couple of hours (we see each other once a year and they are 50% of my total friends). When I got home, he didn't look at me or speak to me. The next day as he prepared to go out and see his new friends again (still having not spoken to me) I asked if he was sorry. "No, not really." I couldn't understand it. I pushed and push to try and get him to tell me why he isn't bothered that he hurt me, let me down, let friends down, put me last etc. He just said that there wasn't anything wrong and I was making something out of nothing. His mum pushed me into telling him that I'd reached the end of my tether and that I was going away for a few days (I should point out that she is having a horrible time with her husband too, and she can see a lot of the things her husband does to her in my boyfriend, even though it is his stepdad). I tried talking to him again and pushed and pushed. I told him that I didn't know if he cared about me or loved me. I asked if he did - he wouldn't answer. I asked if he didn't - he wouldn't answer. I asked if we were going to break up. He said not all arguments end in break up. However, 15 mins later he eventually answered my badgering and said "I'm not going to break up with you, but we both need to think about if we want this." He went on to say that I'm always unhappy, that he's unhappy with me sometimes, and that I should be with someone who can give me what I want - like marriage and children. He alternates between wanting to get married and not wanting to, but he even spoke about having children 6 weeks ago. I know he wants them, but he wants girls because they have less chance of having ASD. He thinks it would be selfish to have boy children when he knows what they will go through. I asked if he meant it, and he backtracked and said he thinks it would be a mistake to have them now. He went out with his new friends.

I thought about him saying that I'm unhappy. There are things that make me unhappy, but they won't change by not being with him. The next day I told him what they were. He reiterated that he needs to think about our relationship but wouldn't say anything else. I asked him not to make a decision yet, but to have a normal summer holiday. He immediately said ok, which makes me think he's already decided that he wants to break up with me.

I'm miserable. I became more miserable when I realised that I'd pushed him into this by forgetting everything I know about ASD. I know that him not telling me he loves me doesn't mean anything; I know that not having had sex for 7 months is to do with his ASD; I know that him not understanding how important my friends were is to do with that; I know that his new friends are his new obsession etc. His mum's advice, albeit well-meant and probably great for people who aren't in an NT-AS relationship, had also helped bugger this up.

He is also deeply unhappy. He goes out every other day - often with his new friends, other times just to not be with me. He sighs a lot, and looks miserable. He isn't touching me at all (normally I get a vague cuddle each night before bed, if no other contact).

However, most of the time we sit here and talk as normal. We laugh together and are sort of happy, just with this horrible break-up looming over us. Then he seems to remember this, and he goes quiet.

This is not the normal summer holiday I asked for.

We spoke just now. I tried talking about how we'd been happy for ages, and he told me he hadn't been. I said that he wasn't acting unhappy, and he said he was. He said that his unhappiness before Christmas was to do with me. He denies it was work. He doesn't think any of this has anything to do with his ASD. I said that the things which make me unhappy do, but that I'm ok with them once I remind myself that that is the reason for them, not because he doesn't care. He said I shouldn't have to change for him. I said it isn't changing, it's learning to understand. He said his ASD won't let him change, so he will always make me unhappy, and I told him that I don't want him to change. That I might not love him as much if he did. He is incredible the way he is, and he does make me truly happy. Obviously not all the time, but no couple can say that. He seemed to listen - he didn't get angry anyway. He then went out (to see his sister and her kids). He's going out tomorrow with his new friends again. He might be staying over someone's house, but won't say who (therefore obviously one of the women). When will he learn that it's these secrets that make me paranoid! He probably won't be back the next day in time for our dentist appointments... The pattern continues. I don't mind, I just want to be kept in the open about everything. I'm firmly of the belief that if you hide something, it makes it seem like there is a reason for it, even if it is completely innocent. Which I do believe it is. I do know that he is texting someone constantly and is hiding the screen so I can't see who it is though. It is hurtful, but I know secrets can be an ASD thing too, so I am trying to cope with it.

I don't know what is going on or what to do. Can anyone help please? I suspect that he is unhappy at work but as he can't change that, he thinks changing me will make his life better. I also suspect that now that he has these new friends, he thinks that they will take away the need for me. Does this sound likely? When ASD people are depressed or unhappy about something in their lives, do they blame the person they are closest to because that seems like the easiest thing to change?

Can anyone help me to understand what he is thinking or feeling? I truly believe that we've been happy lately - and that only changed with the emergence of these new friends; his subsequent lying/keeping secrets; him not turning up to come with me to see my friends and not understanding why I was upset; his mum's bad advice; my stupid pushing for answers and making him think we do have a problem.

He told me before he went out that I am his best friend, and he's never want to lose me even if we do break up. Unless I didn't want to be friends with him. I said I didn't know if I could be. I think it might torture me. The fact that we are each others best friends, and that we are still talking and laughing and being almost normal most of the time, doesn't this mean that he does love me?

I'm so sorry for the essay and the many questions. I don't know what to do. I love him so much and don't want to lose him. I think we're perfect for each other and I think if he isn't with me, he won't be with anyone. I don't see many other people actually wanting to find ways to help (certainly not by reading other forums. All people seem to say is "get out now!"

My heart is breaking, and any help, advice or understanding would be greatly appreciated. I have nobody to talk to about this. The only person who knows is his mum. I am completely alone.

Thank you in advance.

x

I can't really offer any advice except to say that a lot of this stuff is what NT people do in relationships too! As I read through it, I can't help thinking how ASD really doesn't make much difference to how someone manifests unhappiness or dissatisfaction in a relationship. Even NT people get weird in a relationship, act up and act out, go out with friends and get defensive /start to change, blow hot and cold, want to marry then don't want to marry, etc.

In a sense, I wouldn't even think about the AS but just take him as a person who is having issues regarding the relationship. I only say this because a lot of the stuff your boyfriend has done and is doing is stuff I've experienced an ex do to me though he was NT!

About having children -- your boyfriend says he only wants girls because he thinks it's less likely they'll be on the spectrum.

That may be a myth and is in the process of having more discovered about that, that may change that myth. So far in the world, the powers that be believe fewer girls are affected by autism because any figures they've gathered show more boys who are officially "known and diagnosed" and "in the system" if you will. Thus, it's believed that autism and Asperger's is something far more likely to affect boys than girls.

However, it's starting to emerge that the figures may not tell the whole story. You know how crime figures may show different numbers of rape over the years? But the question is regularly raised, well, is it that the rapes are increasing/decreasing because there really are more/less, or because they are being reported more/less?

It's all in the reporting. It's believed, now, more and more, that the only reason not as many females are in the figures counted as having autism is because it presents and manifests in a few different ways than it does in boys, and has historically been grossly overlooked in the girl child, for generations. There are now waves of women discovering that they went undiagnosed or misdiagnosed because they belong to those generations. It may even be that there are as many women on the spectrum as men, it's just that the women, when children, were dismissed as possible spectrum members, and have just had to live life under the radar and uncounted by official figures of those diagnosed.

So, just to say, don't be so sure that if you have girl children they will be "immune" somehow from the genetic potential for ASD. I would also add that I personally, if this were my decision in my own life, would still go ahead and have a child even if I thought that child may have autism, just for the record, but that's a very personal decision and this is just my own statement about what I would want for me.

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Thanks for your reply.

I agree with you about the children thing. I've never agreed with his girl baby idea (nor would I ever be able to abort a boy baby). I would be delighted to have a child that turned out like him and believe that the fact that he has been through it and survived (albeit a little scarred) and that we all now know about it, would help any child to cope.

What he said about possibly not wanting children would be a deal breaker for me if he really did mean it (which I don't think he does).

I'm just struggling with his rapid turnabout from being happy (which he was despite what he says) to apparently not being. This is completely out of character for him. He's never kept secrets from me before either. It's a horrible feeling to trust somebody so completely, but have doubts about them at the same time. It doesn't make sense.

I know it might be anything to do with his Asperger's, but it all does fit. I might well be clutching at straws.

Thanks again.

Whenever he is out with female friends and not coming home to you afterwards... my thought is he could be cheating on you with one of them.

But that is just my thought

Thanks for your reply.

I should point out that it is a group of them that stay out together - males and females.

We both feel the same way about people who cheat. That it is unforgivable. I don't believe he'd do that to me, and I believed him when he said he hadn't met anyone else.

I do trust him, even though it is really hard for me to do so at the moment.

1. There seems to be mistrust between the both of you. Forget Aspergers, you two need to trust eachother. You two are attached to eachother (you are definitely more attached than him, and thus he has the control in this relationship). However, you have proven capable of stepping back and reflecting which means you could be more attached than you are now as well.

2. Another thought that comes to mind is that your relationship issue stems from basic knowledge about men and women. I will always recommend the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" and "The Five Love Languages" to people who probably need to understand some relationship issues a little. I do believe these books can help improve if you two can read them. Perhaps you might be able to understand a little better about why (from the first book) he is afraid to open up.

I think you are being too understanding and too accommodating because you contribute some of his misbehavior to AS. I think some of the stuff (miscommunication issues) is AS-related, but him being dishonest or inconsiderate is him being dishonest and inconsiderate. It has nothing to do with AS. He can change those behaviors AS or not, and should, in my opinion.

When in a relationship, it is hard not to take our partner's behavior personally, like we did something to make them mistreat us. It is also hard not fixate on ways to make the relationship work out and be okay. Even though his behaviors are affecting you, he is responsible. It is not caused by you. I hope things work out.

never, EVER let a partner dictate whether you can have friends or not. This is classic abuse (even if he doesn't realize it). More often than not, you'll wind up in the end with NOTHING (which among the more sociopathic conscious abusers, is what they intended all along).

This is hypocritical of him given he goes out with friends but he doesn`t like it if you do.

Sorry, only got thru half, but that was big effort for me. I tried. He sounds immature in several respects. Don't put up with or enable it. Either two equal reasonable partners from now on or tell him to hit the road.

Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply.

I should point out that after the first 18 months of our relationship, he was desperate for me to have friends and leave the house. He needs time and space to himself. He can't believe that he'd made those demands of me and says I should have just ignored him as he would have gotten over it.

We spoke again last night. I asked if he had feelings for anyone else. He said know, and wanted to know why I would even think that. I said that the day before he had spent a lot of time on his phone texting someone, and kept the phone turned away from me so that I couldn't see. He also flicked off the screen if I came too close. He said that one time he was texting his mum, but that he'd never sent it. I think he realised that I could find out if that one was true. He entirely skirted around answering whether or not he was texting someone all day - but I know he was.

He said that we have to concentrate on us, not on anything else. He says it's just bad timing that he's made these new friends at the same time as our problems.

I asked him to promise not to keep anything from me, because if we lose our trust then even our friendship would be buggered. He again said a load of other stuff without actually answering me, which I pointed out. He then promised not to keep anything from me.

When I repeated back (or thought I was repeating) that I'd love nothing more than to work on us, he said "I didn't say that, I said concentrate on us." I asked what I should concentrate on, but he said he doesn't know.

He is keeping things from me though. I know he was having a text conversation all day. It probably is completely innocent in regards to him having feelings for someone else, but either way he isn't telling me about it.

I don't know what to do. I'm not going to ask him again.

His being secretive about who he was texting all day seems suspect to me. It's right and good for him to have friends -- and for you to have friends too. But from anything I know about relationships, usually both parties know each others' friends or at least know of them. And if there's nothing shady going on, usually your guy would probably say something like "I'm having this crazy text conversation with Brian, do your remember I told you about Brian? He's insane, man, he's so funny."

Or: "That was Brian again....he's breaking up with his girlfriend and he's a wreck. Sorry I've been distracted and texting with him all day, but he seems to really need the support."

Instead, your boyfriend doesn't want you know what he's doing or who he's been texting, or even that he's been texting so much.

That can seem very much like there is someone in his life that he is beginning to attach to, that he knows would seem like a threat to your relationship. It seems like guilty and secretive behavior, where if it were innocent he'd probably be telling you all about it.

That's what it looks like to me, anyway.

Perhaps if you sit down with him, when you're feeling in a very calm mood, and calmly ask him if there's something he should tell you, and if he wants out of the relationship or is confused what he wants, etc. Be very, very neutral -- try not to be emotional or confronting. Provide an atmosphere conducive to simple truth rather than an emotional scene. I would want to know what the real situation is, but the worst way to get that information is to rage and confront. It needs to be icy cool and controlled so that the truth might come out.

If he denies there being anything to talk about, you will have to let it drop, but at least you tried.

I think that when one half of a couple seems to withdraw a lot of themselves and become secretive and hard to talk things out with, there's a high chance of things starting to be over. Some people can pull out of this downward trajectory, but in many cases this kind of pulling away is not a good sign of health in the relationship.

I might be too gloomy in my advice because I've had two very major, long, and important relationships go bad "spaced years apart, but still) and they showed various signs that I see here. But it's because of that, that when I see similar things taking place, I can't help but feel like there isn't a lot you can do with a person who won't work with you on the issues.

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