How to Find Love in a Non-egalitarian Society

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I used to consider myself a feminist and consider it necessary to meet women cerebrally. In reality, gender norms have changed faster for women than men, and many women still impose some traditional gender expectations on men. Now I describe myself only as pro-feminist.

Performing the capitalist heteronormative model of courtship requires a man to be of a particular personality: outgoing, confident, athletic. Many on the spectrum are not this and cannot fake this. I call my rejection of this model in spite of my cis-/heterosexual standing straightqueer. After recognizing you've rejected the capitalist mode of love, you have the freedom to explore love and relationships from a new angle. The problem so far for me has been finding women who themselves reject the standard model.

How do you find your off-beat baby?

You're making a lot of assumptions that women are only into confident, outgoing, athletic men. That is just not true. I know a lot of women, myself included, who are married to men who do not fit that model. My husband is not athletic. He does happen to be confident and outgoing, but that balances me out.

Most of the guy friends I have ever had throughout my whole life were the quiet, artistic, intellectual type. Most were just average in their looks and/or level of fitness. Of course, I wasn't in a relationship with all of them for various reasons, but had life been different I would have gladly dated a lot of them.

I don't have any good advice, but I wanted to wish you luck.

You sound like a unique, brainy guy, and you deserve to find a quality lady.

Just curious about why you've got "capitalist" on the list. (I don't think you'd like communist romance. Those five-year waits for apartments, brutal.)

Outgoing, confident, and athletic are excellent things for both men and women, if you ask me. "Athletic", assuming you're not into demented sports involving attacking people, means you're likely to be healthier well into old age and live longer than if you weren't; confidence is a great quality in a partner because she's not likely to need constant reassurance or to see your every success as an attack or referendum on herself. And someone who's outgoing isn't likely to rely on you as her sole friend in the world, plus is good at finding people who will help in times of need.

Which isn't to say there aren't perfectly nice people who're sedentary, withdrawn, and insecure. The last two really can make a relationship tougher, though, esp. "insecure".

Capitalism and the patriarchy go hand in hand. In the United States dating follows a consumer model, and this is evidenced especially on dating websites, where comparison shopping and looking for the best deal are encouraged. Overall capitalism reduces both men and women to objects and enforces hierarchical gender relations.

Nope, sorry, I don't buy that one. Though sexism does a dandy job of playing keep-away with the capital. Once you get your hands on some, though, you find it's gender-neutral.

Lots of women rejects this model too. My boyfriend and I often have very serious discussions about genderole, feminism and capitalism. We often ''switch'' roles because men need help, protection, and affection just as much as women. We both have different qualities and kind of complete eachother.

I am a social worker (student) myself and I think you would find this kind of women in groups for social justice, women's rights and so on.

Don't ever state an observation, hush!! Or else....

What's it like, being a social worker aspie?

I don't know, I am NT. :p My boyfriend is the Aspie one.

I don't know, I am NT. :p My boyfriend is the Aspie one.

I can tell you what it is like--fun. It is fun if you are doing what you are interested in. If it is a special interest, you will excel at it.

Are you a social worker too? Psychology is my special interest but I'm afraid I will fail at the social contact part.

I don't know how much capitalism has to do with it, but I think the OP is onto something.

More than one girl I have been out with has been of the opinion that the man should pay for the date because he asked for the date. This is a complete non-sequitur, but apparently it is all about showing that you will look after and protect the girl in question. I have even seen this view propagated in mainstream newspapers. So much for gender equality.

I used to post on enotalone for dating advice because there was so much I didn't understand. The advice I saw on there almost always revolved around old fashioned ideas about the man being dominant and taking charge all the time. No one was ever able to explain (1) why anyone has to "take charge" of the relationship at all, or (2) why that person necessarily has to be the man.

The debate over whether women should be honest and direct about their reasons for dumping or rejecting you, as opposed to ignoring you, making excuses and hoping you will lose interest, also involves an element of old fashioned sexism. To make excuses for.women like this implies that women are inherently less capable of looking after themselves and asserting themselves than men are, which should not be the case if the use of physical strength is off the table (and it is, for the most part; crime statistics consistently show that men are way more likely to attack other men than to attack women).

I can just say I know the feeling. I was lucky enough to be bisexual and I am only a teenager, but I honestly feel screwed with women for the reasons you describe. I want complete and total equality with a woman, but apprently people only want equality IN LAW, and not SOCIALLY.

The girls my age I am drawn to are often more androgynous/masculine in both behavior and fashion/style/appearance/mannerisms. But they are a shrinking minority for me...]

Kudos to you for thinking outside the box. Too many people restrict what they want in a partner based on strict and rigid pre-concieved gender roles. It's only for their own convenience truly and doesn't account long term worth or value.

"I like more when women are feminine; so therefore I can't accept those slightly leaning on tomboyish."

The opposite is also true. Men can't drift from their box or they are harshly judged...

yeah, because it's not like a woman/girl has ever been beaten or killed for rejecting a guy.

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/usan ... h/8147003/