My Way or the Highway

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My wife came home upset tonight because one of her friends had just broken up with her boyfriend. It seems that the woman had told her boyfriend that if he didn't spend Christmas with her at her parents' place, then he could just forget about spending New Year's with her or anytime after.

My wife seemed puzzled as to why the man simply thought about it for a moment and said, "In that case, have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year", and left.

So I explained it to her.

First, the woman gave an ultimatum instead of opening a negotiation, as if she was thinking that a lifetime without her was more unpleasant that a weekend with her folks. This was a mistake because a reasonable man would realize that giving in to this ultimatum means a lifetime of more ultimatums and living under the threat of abandonment if he doesn't do whatever she wants. No one thrives under that kind of stress.

Second, the very nature of a "My Way or the Highway" ultimatum is the implication that the woman could not care less whether or not they broke up, simply because she presented him with both options. By giving him the choice between those two options, she was offering the break-up as an acceptable alternative to spending Christmas with her family.

Third, this further implies that the woman seemed not so much interested in spending Christmas with all of her loved ones as she was with showing off her well-trained pet man to her family. No relationship can survive such demeaning treatment.

My wife is of the opinion that by giving an ultimatum, the woman was actually opening negotiations and asking the man for his input. I say that issuing an ultimatum is how you end negotiations, instead. I also think that the man behaved in a reasonable manner, given the options that were presented.

What do you think?

My opinion is that, if she is willing to end a relationship over one issue like this, then she really didn't care that much about him or the relationship to begin with. It's perfectly acceptable for her to be upset if her boyfriend doesn't want to spend Christmas at "X" location, but to say "Our relationship is no more if you don't do this" is to suggest that she doesn't place much value on their relationship, since in the end it's really not that big of a deal. I also agree with you that ultimatums are never the way to go.

I think that ultimatums are foolish to use in a relationship. In this situation the use of an ultimatum on the part of the woman was manipulative. On the part of the man, the ultimatum was used as an opportunity to get out.

In a better relationship, the ultimatum (still foolish to use) *might* have been seen as a desperate cry for conflict resolution. If either one of the party wanted to save the relationship, the ultimatum would have been met with a counter-offer, or at least an offer to "work it out."

I agree with your wife. Have you ever haggled on a price? One person highballs, the other person lowballs, and eventually you meet in the middle with everyone more or less pleased. I agree relationships shouldn't be a my way, your way sort of thing. You're supposed to meet in the middle. So, after she says her piece about how if he can't handle a holiday with her family he can just leave, the answer shouldn't be “Okay! Bye!” it should be something along the lines of what he needs her to do in order to make surviving a holiday with her family more bearable. That would be the response of a reasonable person unless, of course, he never valued the relationship in the first place.

To be totally fair to the original couple, we are hearing this third-hand. We have no idea if the main conflict was simply that he refused to accept her family at all, which might have been a deal breaker for her. I know I'd want the guy I'm dating to meet and tolerate my family. When I care about someone I want my family to at least know and respect them. I also want that person to know and respect my family because I love them. Isn't that something most people want?

I don't get the third implication at all. Calling this guy a “well trained man-pet” is totally uncalled for. Plus, there is nothing demeaning about compromise.

I'd need to know the background first, if she just said it out of the blue then she was pretty stupid. However, if there is history of this being an issue then maybe she could have had a good reason for saying it.

Sometimes ultimatums need to be made, and sometimes you need to compromise.

Sorry folks, that's all the info I have. I know it's third-hand, but many of the people my wife knows seem to have a fondness for drama, so I like to keep as much distance as possible.

Still, it is not unreasonable for us to assume that there were other things said and other issues involved for a breakup to happen so quickly and over something so trivial.

Regardless, any form of social manipulation (a.k.a., "mind game") is dishonest and shows a lack of trust in the other person's ability to make his or her own informed and reasoned decisions.

If I give in to an ultimatum like that, I would be a man-pet.

It's threads like these that make me glad I always kept, and still keep, one foot out the door in any relationship I've been in. That means always be ready to walk away and never see the person again. Sure, I bought my girlfriends great gifts, complimented them, and made them happy. But I also knew that they could turn abusive or controlling (like the OP's ultimatum description) at any moment. So I was always ready to dump them on the spot, and barely miss them at all. Not only have I done that once, I was floored by how easy it was.

Did that serve me well? Meh... hard to say. But giving in to ultimatums would be far worse. I subscribe to a subset of MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way) beliefs. Of course, I enjoy sex with women. And I enjoy being casual friends with them; i.e. just going Latin dancing together and not much else. But in relationships, I control my feelings with the precision of a supercomputer, and can shut off my feelings almost instantaneously.

He did the right thing.

i agree with the man; this is an ending-type ultimatum.
if the woman in question wasn't willing to accept breakup, she should have set a lower penalty ("i won't go to your parents either" or something).

by almost literally saying "spend christmas with my parents or i break up with you", she indicated that the relationship isn't that important to her, and she would be likely to break up over something else as well; the man took honor to himself and left a sinking ship (imo).

ultimatums are not enders in all situations, but they are never an opener to negotiation.
the type described in the OP is a clear ender.

if i were given a "my way or the highway" ultimatum, i'd be out of there in a heartbeat

Ultimatums should be used as a last resort with extreme circumstances. It doesn't leave the door open for negotiations, those should come on several attempts prior to said ultimatum. Ultimatums are a form of control, you do what they say or you do nothing, basically.

A much better approach would be "Honey, why are you so opposed to spending christmas with my family? What can I do to make it more comfortable to you?" That opens the door for mature conversation and fixing whatever problems exist.

In my experience, the person giving the ultimatum often regrets doing so. What do you think is going to happen if the girl goes back on the ultimatum now?

I'm with the guy on this one. I can understand the women thinking it opens negotiations, but she should have given better and less extreme alternatives. I've given in to an ultimatum before and I got dumped two weeks later.

Ultimatums can never be used to open negotiations. They should only be used in extreme circumstances but even then, they are not about negotiating.

I agree with the man and with OP's point that it's a strong sign that she doesn't care whether she stays with him or not.

No, what?? This is not ultimatum, this is price negotiation.

An ultimatum applied for price negation would be like "Pay 1000$ for this shirt or f**k off".

Yes, it is a negotiation. Relationships are a negotiation. Compromise is important in a relationship, otherwise it isn't a healthy one. The metaphor I use to help others understand doesn't negate my point. An ultimatum gives you two options. That means it's not like going into a store and knowing that you only have one choice, which is to pay the price listed on the item. When you have more than one option, it can be negotiated. It is the beginning of a negotiation.