My attraction seems to be faulty

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This is a problem which seems to be mainly fixed these days, but I'm curious as to what caused it as I've only ever come across one person with a remotely similar problem (and even then not really the same).

For all my teenage years, I was incapable of attraction to anyone in my peer group and was not capable of any sort of attraction at first sight. If given a picture of a man and asked to rate out of 10, the answer was "insufficient data". It was like being given a box of chocolates still wrapped up and asked how they taste. There was one occasion where I was able to rate a man as good looking knowing nothing about him (he was a waiter where I was having a meal), yes, thinking a waiter was pretty was so weird at the time it's still memorable many years later. Weirdly this did not apply to women, I could instantly give women attractiveness ratings despite it not translating to any romantic or sexual interest in them.

Attraction was entirely on personality and links to special interests, mainly the latter. Between about 12 and 17 the only people I had any attraction to were celebrities or teachers. And that attraction was extremely intense, I really wanted to marry them and couldn't bear the thought of a life without them. That probably sounds daft, but as a more well balanced adult, no, it really was that intense. Due to attraction of a not socially acceptable level to also not socially acceptable people I developed a phobia of saying I found someone attractive.

The idea of looking for a partner never appealed. Love wasn't something I was looking for, it was something which happened to me in really bad ways which could not be reciprocated. I don't think I avoided it because of that, I just couldn't picture myself falling in love with someone I didn't already love (ohhh....something just clicked there...Aspies and social imagination?), so looking for dates with boring people had no appeal. They weren't my love interest, they weren't interesting.

The usual pattern was I would be fixated on a person for 18 months-2 years. I would often get side ones of shorter duration, usually linked to the same special interest as the main one. Attraction to anyone else was rare.

I found this, which is the closest I've ever got to a name for it: http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.ph ... Demisexual However, demisexuality usually assumes being in a relationship or at least a two-way emotional bond creates the attraction, for me, it doesn't. Annoyingly it was very soon after this that I started to function more normally, it would have been incredibly useful as a young-mid teenager. This is also where I heard the one vaguely similar story, someone on AVEN had only ever been attracted to one person (celebrity I think), the way they described it seemed very similar to my experience, and they seemed a good fit for demisexual. I can't find the link now, it was quite a few years ago. But for me it happened with more people.

When I went to university things got a bit better. My special interests took me in directions which involved people who weren't teachers or inaccessible celebrities and actually towards people of my age group. I had one short relationship as an undergraduate, but almost as soon as I got together with him I got bored of him. It seems that for me I fall passionately in love with someone when I identify them as suitable, being in a relationship with them has no bearing on this and is more likely to weaken rather than strengthen it. Not because I find them incredibly disappointing, just because being around someone doesn't make me love them. I gained the ability to consider men good looking at a first glance, although it took a while to refine to a level where I would be unlikely to change my mind later.

As a postgrad and beyond things got a lot better. I've had several relationships, most of the short and following the pattern above, but they've finally started to last a bit longer. I'm currently in two (I don't ever intend to be completely normal...), one of which has been going on for 2 years, beating the previous record by a factor of 4. I notice when I'm on The Pill my attraction seems to be a lot more normal and less demisexual than when off it, so maybe it's some sort of hormone imbalance?

Have any other aspies had anything similar or heard of it?

I identified with the first part of your story, but am NT, so not sure if this is what you're looking for or not. I was never really attracted to guys just by looking at them. I'm "into" guys, but not just from seeing them. I have to know them and know their personality etc. to be attracted to them, so folks on TV are of no interest to me. I'd never really looked it up before, so found your article on demisexuality very interesting - perhaps I've found a term to describe the way I am, so am glad you shared that. Sounds like it's not quite the same as what you're saying you experienced, though, since I was never into actors or singers or famous people at all, since I didn't know them so wasn't interested in them. Now that being said, I could tell you when a girl was pretty or sexy etc., but it wasn't because I was turned on by her, either - I think it was just because I'd learned the patterns well enough and my own instincts to try to look appealing made the female traits that I shared or didn't share easier to spot, whereas with guys I was just lost. I knew that certain actors were popular, but half of them I couldn't begin to tell why - like Johnny Depp. He was all the rage when I was in highschool, but I still can't see how Jack Sparrow was so enticing. I knew basics like "body builders are apparently not disgusting, but rather swoon-worthy", but it was just memorizing the rules, not personal interest or attraction (and to this day, I don't like body builders ). But enough about me - I'm excited to find a term but should discuss your situation not me.

I think that there's a definite chance hormones are playing a big role in this for you, especially since The Pill has helped you. If so, you might want to look into a hormonal implant. About 18 months ago I got a hormonal implant, Implanon/Nexplanon http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nexplanon , which has been great for keeping my hormones very consistent - I had other things which seemed to be regulated by my hormones, so have enjoyed having this to keep them constant instead of in their roller-coaster cycles.

Another thing I think you should consider is what it really is that wears off after a few months. Real love is a decision and a commitment, so not something that wears off. Fascination can wear off, and will with anyone you know for long, but fascination is not love. I think of it like the "falling in love" feelings are supposed to be the boost to push you towards relationship with someone, but then the staying in love is a conscious decision to love the other person...and out of that decision new feelings will grow up. It's not that a couple isn't in love after 20 years, but it's not that infatuation love like it is after 20 days (or 20 hours ). It's a deeper, more fulfilling love, but a love based on the mind saying "I'm going to love this person", instead of an unbearable attraction. You've probably seen this some in your 2-year relationship, that you don't feel the same as Day 1 but it's good changes. Maybe the transition from "fascination" to "real love" happened quickly enough with that relationship that you never noticed the lull in between the two, but maybe being aware of this can help you transition with others from the one stage to the other without losing it in between?

I never feel attracted or not attracted to someone based of a picture. A guy is just a boring poster on a wall to me unless I get to know his personality.

NT responses very welcome too! I asked if it was an Aspie thing as that's not an avenue I've been able to explore before but if it is something that can happen to NT people too, I have no idea what it is so haven't been able to ask around as I don't know where.

Your last paragraph however proves that your experience is totally different. Love is not a choice for me. I fall in love with people I don't want to, I fall out of love with people I was in a perfectly good relationship with which I would have liked to keep going but now can't. The difference between failed after 1 month and still going after 2 year relationships has nothing to do with choices I made to love the person, and I really wish I knew what the difference was. The 2 year one has got more in common with the unrequited love like my brain somehow didn't notice we actually got together.

The short relationships which failed seemed to lack the stage 2. After the initial attraction wore off it was replaced with complete apathy and revulsion at being expected to show any affection. The time this took ranged from about 1-4 months. I didn't want this to happen, it just did. This was a lot faster than the unrequited ones which took more like 2 years to fade out to bearable, but most of them didn't hit quite the same levels of apathy, in most cases I would still have considered a date with the person 5 years later.

The usual trigger to end a relationship seems to be falling in love with someone else. This is why I'm now trying polyamory, which seems to be going better. If I can't not fall in love with inappropriate people, making it OK is a lot better.