My aspie boyfriend

Post Reply New Topic

Hey everyone. I have some questions and just wanted to ask for general advice. I recently started dating an aspie guy and I absolutely adore him. However, I find myself reading a lot of sites for advice to be a good girlfriend to him and turn up the same few things I already know over and over. Each article written by a freaking NT that clearly just rephrased the same sweeping generalizations that every other site had. I'd like to gather as much info as I can on my own so I don't have to bother him too much later on. I knew what I was getting into from the start and I feel that it's my responsibility to educate myself. I've had a lot of friends with it but I know it's a whole different thing with a relationship.

First, I would like if some of you could maybe give me some tips. Things you wish a person knew already before getting involved with you. Things that aren't the same few items on so many sites.

I also wanted some opinions on a few things that I've noticed. We talk a lot. Every day. A LOT. (We spoke for 12 hours straight once, for example.) I enjoy it. I wonder though, is this common for an aspie in a new relationship? Should I prepare myself for it to taper off? I know many have difficulty with so much interaction and I don't want to develop any expectations. Right now it's long distance and sometimes he says things that trouble me. For example, when he discusses me visiting him, he'll say "when you visit. ... or if, I guess." And things of that nature. Not just about things that have to do with distance, mind you. We're both okay with that aspect. But he frequently implies impermanence by correcting his statements with "if" or makes comments about how he hopes we can still be friends if it doesn't work and my question here is, should I be worried or is he preparing himself for the worst? I do remember once reading that ASD people may try to break up out of concern of hurting their significant other. Is it also a thing for them to make comments like this early on? I don't doubt that he wants to be with me, of course. He's not really into dating so I know I'm incredibly lucky to have caught his interest.

I want to be the best girlfriend I can to him and I figured this would be a good place to start. I've been lurking this forum since we started dating and everyone here seems so welcoming and helpful. I want to thank anyone that gives me any help in advance.

I would like to applaud you for wanting to know more about your boyfriend's condition and adapt to it. He is lucky to have a girl who is so caring and understanding. With that being said, I believe the best source of information is him. Every person has an unique set of personal preferences in relationships. I don't think there is a list of things that aspies do in relationships. If there is such a list, it was written by an uninformed person. Take it as it comes.

One suggestion I have is to not read too much into things that he says. Aspies tend to communicate in a very straightforward manner.

You say your bf is using "If" statements alot. I wouldn't know for sure, but I would guess there might be some insecurity on his side with some failed attempts at relationships in the past. I once had a hard time believing anyone would like me or want to stay with me if they found out too much about me (or found out that I was not among the cool kids that fit in if this was in high school or college.)

Bottom Line: I would think he may not be confident in his ability to keep you interested, or he just doesn't know how to distinguish between being friends and being more than friends.

Again, not an expert and have no idea who he is or what his background is like. It is just me trying to relate from my experience.

This sounds like how I was when I had an interest (online). I have absurdly low confidence and I am always expecting things to go wrong. I don't expect good feelings to last; I expect that something which seems good is really just me misunderstanding a situation, or getting too absorbed in a hope, as has occurred numerous times in my past. I expect that if someone shows interest in me it's not for the right reason (i.e. purely physical interest), that they are projecting an idealization onto me (who they want me to be rather than who I am), or that they don't realize that they can do better and will change their mind once they get some self-confidence back. I believe those things because that's how everything has turned out so far.

So as a coping mechanism I expect good things to fall apart, I don't speak about the future with certainty ("if" over "when"), and when I see signs that a good thing is ending I try to accelerate it, especially if I think I'm hurting someone else, because it hurts less to end things quickly than to let them drag on through a slow decline. It is not healthy and I hope that I don't accidentally throw something away that was real in the future, but maybe it can explain part of how your boyfriend thinks if he is similar.

You know, all of you raise a good point. I know he does have confidence issues and that's probably the source of his statements. I just wish there was some way I could reassure him. I know I can tell him how amazing he is and why repeatedly, but I also know I can't change his thought process. All I can do is hope saying it enough will make it stick, at least a little.

I brought up some of my concerns with him. He confessed to me last night that running away sounded like something he might do but that he enjoys me so much he doesn't think he'd be able to. I'm not even upset or frustrated or anything. I wish he could believe and accept that I care for him and that it can work. He apparently is also struggling with his own feelings toward me. He says it feels too intense and it's worrying him more that it's going to blow up. I wish there was something, anything, I could do. I will stand by him and hope for the best.

Thanks to you guys for giving me responses. I know it doesn't mean much, but I hope you all find some level of happiness and I want you to know that you do deserve love in any form you want. There are people who are willing to adapt for you. I hope you find them. Friends, lovers, significant others or whatever else you want. Some of the posts on here (this forum in general) have made me tear up seeing stories about how ASD individuals have been treated and how they feel in general interacting with most people. Take care. All of you.

it is, i guarantee it.

he sounds like his own worst enemy, honestly, i doubt you're doing anything to spark his insecurities. he does, however, have to learn to trust you and let things come naturally, you can't be having a relationship based off validating his concerns all the time.

I can also relate to struggling with feelings, especially since I have very minimal relationship experience I'm not very articulated in my 'emotional vocabulary' - I can feel something very strongly while also not knowing what exactly it is because I haven't felt it before. "Is this feeling good, or is it something I should be worried about? Is it based on something real, or based on fantasy? Is this something to act on or should I be safe and contemplate it more?", uncertainties like those. It's all driven by an obsessive desire to not do the wrong thing, but an unfortunate side effect is that it often ends up in no action at all but being lost in worries inside of my own head. Maybe that is related to what he means when he says that.

I need to allow a feeling to 'mature' in my mind to a point where I feel confident that I understand it - I do not act on feelings that I don't understand and if I feel pressured to do so then I become very stressed and can start to distance myself from others. My favorite way to describe it is 'If you don't give me room I will make room.' That's probably the exact opposite reaction from the one the person pressuring (or perceived to be pressuring) wants.

Even if that's not exactly how he works, hopefully you can derive some use in hearing how someone else with low confidence and ASD thinks. You sound very willing to work with him and give him time, if it makes you feel a bit better about the situation you should know that I think that's the kind of person someone with ASD works best with (and I'm someone who has usually recommended people to break up due to incompatible thinking). But don't neglect your own needs, either, just because we have ASD and have our needs doesn't mean that your needs disappear.

I think that it is probably common for an aspie in a new relationship to talk a lot especially about subjects that we're interested in be we generally have intense special interests and we often talk on end about them. I don't think that you should expect him to continue doing this forever though if you continue to have a long-term relationship with him. Eventually, it may taper off but if it does, that doesn't mean that he no longer feels the same way about you. If he still chooses to remain in a relationship with you then that most likely means that he still loves you and cares about you.

From what you're describing, it sounds like he may have low confidence and question if he's a good partner based on experiences of previous relationships or possibly what ex-girlfriends have said about him. I don't know how you can reassure him but maybe if you can tell him that issues he had in his previous relationships (whatever they are) are less of a problem for you when they come up, it may help.

Another thing I wanted to point out - I think that tapering off the amount of talking after awhile is normal in any relationship that starts with so much, whether friendship or romantic or anything else, because at some point you get to know each other soooo well that you start to run out of things to talk about. However, when you reach that point, it's not bad or scary - you're just so close that there's not as much need for words. I worried about it too when my boyfriend and I got together years ago, because I was like "All we do is talk - what will we do when we've run out of things to talk about...?" but healthy relationships grow, change, and adapt, so we still have fun together. There's times we get into a 12-hour-talk, but they're pretty rare now; however, they're still fun when they happen, and fun when they don't happen.



Like others have said, he may be worried that you won't be interested long enough to visit etc.; or he may be trying not to be too clingy or too presumptuous. I don't think you said (unless I missed it?) how long you guys have been together, so it may be trying not to push too far. For example, you've probably heard stories of people that started dating and a week later the girl had added his last name to her Facebook or was telling everyone the names she'd picked out for their kids etc., which can drive folks away cause it's pushing too much too quick - heck, after a week, she's still learning how to spell his last name! Of course a third option is that he's hesitant to commit even if he believes you want to and will be there forever etc., and there's people fearful of commitment everywhere - generally men are considered to be more gun-shy with stuff like this than women, so it could be something as simple as that he's a guy and has the common male commitment/permanence shyness.

Last note - good for you trying to read up and learn a lot. I'm an NT dating an Aspie and have had the same urges and learned a lot from what I've read. However, remember that everyone is different. The things that you're reading on every site might or might not apply to your Aspie. I think the value in reading is to have an idea of things that might happen so they don't catch you off-guard, but remember that just as you're different from your NT friends, each Aspie is different as well. For example, a lot of Aspies on here haven't had any relationships and are super awkward around the opposite sex; my boyfriend is 100% the opposite, having basically always had a girlfriend since middle-school, and being a chick magnet (I think the reason he liked me initially was because I was the only girl where we worked that wasn't throwing herself at his feet ). So, if I was reading things (especially in a long-distance situation) that were like "Your Aspie boyfriend is probably used to having no girls pay attention to him; assure him that he's attractive", it would've been the last thing I needed, because it would've just made me sound like the girls who saw him as a pile of muscles and nothing more. So, read and learn, but remember that everyone is different - it's like reading and learning about another cultural because you're in a multi-cultural relationship; useful to know what's normal or expected in their culture, but not a 100% of what the person that you love specifically wants or needs.

The talking will likely stay at the same level, if you hit an interest, talkative aspies keep talking for days on end, while silent ones wont even talk a lot about their obsesion; you appear to have found a talkative one.

As for the *if* statements; those can have two causes, and likely both.

First; he might be trying to not force you into anything ("come over, if you want, or not if you dont feel like it") and tries to not be too expecting ("if we are still together (but dont feel forced to)").

Secondly; he is likely used to relationships failing, if they even start at all, so he is protecting his feelings; as evidenced by his "i hope we stay friends, if we break up", mentally preparing himself for your potential desicion to step away; an option he allows you to take trough effect #1.

In short, most aspies are accepting, non-forcing and used to rejection. That results in many if-statements.

You have all been so helpful and kind. Thank you. ;-; I've been talking to him more and it's definitely a combination of low self confidence and trust issues. He seems terrified of making any wrong moves and is also sort of scared of his own feelings and keeps rehashing whether or not each feeling is good, or if it's too much, or if he can even trust it. During these moments he'll keep asking my opinion and he just sounds so frustrated. I know it's not me, of course. I hope I can help by being patient and supportive. He's very good to me and meets my needs as much as he can. I really want this to work.

New relationships jitters will wear off in time - sounds like you guys are on the right path. Congrats and welcome to the "NT girls dating Aspie guys" club - I don't know anyone who is happier with their NT boyfriend than I am with my Aspie boyfriend, hope you will find similar happiness.