Responsibly disclosing asexuality

Post Reply New Topic

I just finished my first real connection with an individual, which lasted three weeks. From the start, I felt like I could spend the rest of my life just talking with him. We picked each other's brains so well, that it was a beautiful dance of ideas. It haunted me that here was a nice NT man with NT needs, and me with no intention of ever getting into bed with him. Yet I couldn't say anything. I hinted. I explained. But as soon as I did, he was done with me.

How do I move into the next level of trusting other humans so that I can disclose without alienating people? I really deserve to have a relationship with others. I am a person of substance, even if I don't have sexual attraction to anything. As a professional, I want to proceed with caution and do this correctly.

Good question.
I'm just posting in case someone offers a good answer.

I suspect that his reaction had nothing to do with how/what/when you told him. I think probably he wanted a relationship with you that involved sex and wasn't interested in anything else. (Either that or he had some strange bias against asexual people in general.)

I'm not sure I understand the situation/question, though.....What kind of relationship are you hoping for? Ordinary friendship, or something that could evolve into partnership and couple-hood?

For ordinary friendship I don't see why people should freak out or alienate you just because they learn you're asexual, no matter how you tell them or when.....so I'm no help if that's the situation.

If you're hoping for dating/romantic/partnership/couple-hood type relationships minus the sex, I think that how you explain, when you explain, etc. isn't going to matter because it's not going to change what other people want/need in their dating/romantic/partnership/couple-hood type relationships .....it's not you alienating them, it's just a compatability issue.

I'm sorry if I've totally misunderstood the situation/question.

Oh, no. You've been really understanding in your reply. I do actually want " partnership and couple-hood" from a relationship. I just worry that by the world's general standards, that includes sexual intimacy. Therefore, I feel compelled to announce the disclaimer. Maybe it's the brutally honest trait in me that feels like I am deceptive if I don't.

This is a really tricky question. I'm mostly an asexual guy, and I'm married to a woman that doesn't need a lot of sex, but this was more luck than anything else. It is probably easier for an asexual guy to find an asexual woman than the reverse, as it seems like more women are openly asexual than men. However, there is something strange about more women than men identifying as asexual, probably related to our sex-fixated culture. It is probably less acceptable for a man to be uninterested in sex than for a woman.

I think the best thing is that if you do traditional dating, you let the guys know you are asexual before setting up a date. People are not likely to change their sexual preferences, or urges, so it will save both of you a lot of problems if you tell them before getting more involved with each others. It will reduce you dating pool, but the one's still interested will have more potential.

I think that most people do see sexual intimacy as an important part of partnership/couple-hood (many people seem to experience them as inextricably connected). Even if that weren't the case, I would still think it was a good idea to tell potential love-interests that you're asexual; You both need to know what you can expect from the other person and what the nature and boundaries of the relationship are going to look like.

Like rdos said, telling them earlier rather than later is best as there is less time for expectations to build up and then be shattered, a less well-developed bond to be lost if the person doesn't want a relationship without sex.

There is a dating website for asexuals, if you're interested: www.asexualitic.com.

Isn't there a dating site for people who are asexual? Look through some of the asexuality posts on here.

It could be worse. I'm asexual. I'm biologically male. My gender identity is genderless. I don't identify with either gender mentally. Granted, these are fairly personal details that don't often come up, but few people handle it well on the rare occasions when it does come up. Part of the issue is some of the overlap between various terms used for sexual preference, biology, gender identity, etc. I've come across cases even more complicated.
I handle it the same way I handle revealing my diagnosis as an aspie. "It's not a choice. There's nothing wrong with me. It's just the way I am. Yes, it makes me different from most people. But that doesn't make it bad. If you've got a problem with that, you've got a problem with me"

Well, you should realise that a nan has his needs.

Do you truly not want any sexual intomacy, or do you just not feel the need to.

In the former case, finding another asexual is just about the only way, barring a open relationship (allowing the man to get his needs elsewhere).

In the latter case, explaining that you dont feel the need, but dont hate it will go a long way, with the right person. As long as you allow him his needs every once in a while ( do not feel like you need to indulge every time though, any woman is allowed to say no).

In my case, and it might even be yours as well, though you might not know yet, i identify as "demi-sexual". I only feel urges towards those who i feel an intellectual connection; i never felt the need for one-night stands, for example, and even rejected some.
i do, however, have urges towards my current GF. Still less then you'd expect for a man, but they are there (i prefer to cuddle though).

I'm not saying that this is true for you, i believe true asexuality exist, but i'm just mentioning the possibility

Izzeme

While the rest of your message was clearly thought out and with helpful intent, I take issue with you opening line. It is a symptom of the sociological disease plaguing gender equality. While you may not have intended so (I'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt here), your opening statement supports the false suppositions that men are hardwired in such a way that they can't be held responsible for their crude behaviors toward women. Sex is not a need. It may be a desire or an urge, but it is never a need (in human beings, ferrets and vulcans are another matter).
Is it possible that some people may have higher or lower sex drives (even no sex drive)? Of course. Is it possible that as a general trend, men have greater desire for sex? Technically possible, but I've not yet seen a scientific study to solidly verify that as fact. Does anybody in a relationship (regardless of gender) ever have an obligation to fulfill the sexual desires of their partner(s)? Never! Yet much of society seems to fail on these particular points.
Sorry if that turned into a bit of a rant. It wasn't meant to be directed at anybody here. I and several others I know (of both genders) have put up with verbal abuse because of people failing to understand those points. I find it exasperating because other people seem to have so much difficulty while it seems so simple to me. I worry about the possibility that the difference in views may be due to aspie v NT mentality. If so, society is in big trouble.

I'm not sure about this either. I suspect that the reason why fewer men identify as asexual is specific for males. Many females that are not truly asexual also still identify with it because it is an easy solution that people cannot talk them out of. The real reason that many people identify as asexual is that they have unusual sexual preferences, and dislike typical sex specifically. They might want/like other kinds of sex than sexual intercourse, and I think it is perfectly possible to explore this given that both agree to it.



Perhaps not, but this will lead to a split-up. It's not so much about obligations as of sexual urges not being fulfilled for the one that has lots of them. It's his/her right to seek for somebody more compatible.

Same here. While I usually identify as asexual when the subject of "sexual orientation" comes up, I'm not really. I just have unusual sexual preferences, and prefer to have sexual intercourse only in order to procreate.



I think it is pretty unusual, especially given that it cannot have any evolutionary function, and thus must be present in a very small minority.

@Browncoat, you and I have a lot in common. For the rest of the comments here, as with any civil rights issue, please do educate yourself before unleashing your opinion. Many asexual people have sexual desires, including myself. They are manifested in non-traditional ways, which is why sexual intercourse is not an option. For example, I achieve sexual gratification from composing music. I won't waste my time explaining myself, or justifying myself. I only wonder (as in my original question) if it was morally wrong and irresponsible in this widespread and sexually focused society, to date another person without disclosing up front "oh, by the way, I wear dentures" or, "oh, by the way, I am HIV positive".

That's pretty much what I wrote.

I still think it is a good idea to tell people that you are asexual or at least don't like a lot of sex. But it is your decision to make of course.

My online dating profile says:

Hey, listen. I'm tired of people who come here to ask me what my favorite position is. If you can zip it long enough to get to know me, then read on.

--

I think that's about as much disclosure as I am comfortable with. From the few who have reached out, they immediately turned to talking about sex, once we got past the 'what's your name, what's your major" questions.

I have a wife now.

But way back when, I never even "discussed" sex until foreplay was happening. I "talk" with my hands, rather than my lips. When I would speak with a woman, I would speak to her like a person (albeit, maybe, with a few compliments about her hair, her clothes, etc., though that didn't happen too often).

Then, if we were in a room together, our eyes might "meet." Then she might take my hand, and rub it a bit. That's the sign that she wants more than just "talking." It's a "you have to be there" kind of situation. I've never had an occasion when I "made advances" towards a woman which were unwanted.

I guess I would find out if a woman's asexual through her not allowing me to kiss her hand. That would be the sign that "more" is not desired.

By the way, I live in Queens. I've lived in NYC all my life.