My girlfriend was forced to make a choice: me or her family.

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I feel sullen and despondent today because my girlfriend's father forced her to make a choice: break up with me and still have good tidings with her family, or continue in her relationship leading to her family disowning her. She informed me of this today and her decision, which was to let me go. I will give you background first.

I arrived in China in April 2011 full of energy and vigor. I had no thoughts or desire to meet women, only to experience what this culture entailed and travel. I met Shanshan in October - she's a TA at our school - and we became quite compatible with each other quickly in ways I've never experienced with another person before. We went out to eat, watched movies together, traveled together, I helped her with her English while she helped me with my Chinese, read, slept and laughed together. She even went with me to the hospital every day for 2 weeks when I had to receive my daily IV's while I had pneumonia. She was the perfect person, the perfect companion, the perfect woman.

Things weren't always rosy between us. We had difficulty working together during intensives because our school placed kids in our class who were way to young for the certain level of English they were supposed to learn; this led to lots of stress between us. My roommate has also inflicted damage into our relationship when he tried to get her to help him date Shanshan's friend Jiera. Also, he likes Shanshan and he has touched her belly in their class; he's a womanizer.

However, Shanshan and I love each other in ways I never thought possible. I have AS and it is extremely difficult for me to connect emotionally with others, to have great chemistry with others. Shanshan accepted that and worked to improve our chemistry. Before I met her, I truly thought it was impossible for me to not just sustain, but lay the cornerstone for a relationship. I thought I was asexual before I met her. After not dating anyone for 11 years, I truly felt she was the one person who cared for me no matter who or what I was. I envisioned sharing the rest of my life with her and she did too.

She told me not to long after we began dating that her father was unabatedly against us dating because I am not Chinese. In China and many other parts of Asia, it is important for the parents of an individual to accept their choice in partners regardless of how old that person may be. Shanshan is 20 years old, old enough to make her own decisions and choices in life. However, her family like many Chinese families have expectations of their life after they finish college. Once women graduate from their university, parents oftentimes place a high degree of importance upon the choice of a husband since they are expected to live such as a typical Chinese woman does. They are expected to have a house, a child, a car, a job and a husband to sustain the family's namesake and place in society.

Initially, her father was the only one in her family against us dating. However, as time has passed it seems that her entire family is against us dating. Her father is seen as a leader of their community and family since he owns 2 tire factories in her hometown, and has also built a temple there for his family. Therefore, he holds an immaculate amount of sway over his family. Somehow he convinced his family that since I am not a Chinese man, I am not good for Shanshan. Shanshan told me that it doesn't matter how good of a person I am, what my job is, how I treat others and so on, I am not Chinese. Since I am not Chinese, he cannot support us being together. I wrote him letters twice. I've met her brother who liked me but still............

Shanshan was crying as she told me this. She told me that we can still date but because of her family situation, but she doesn't think there is a future. She told me she doesn't think she can marry me in the future, and that's the only reason. We've been talking about marriage for awhile now. I told her that I cannot date someone if I don't feel I can share my life with them in the future. I wasn't thinking marriage when we first met or the first few months but after awhile I felt that I wanted to be with her for the remainder of my life. It wouldn't be fair to her nor to me.

I don't know what to make of the entire situation. I love her with my heart and soul and I know she loves me too. I cannot get angry at her for choosing her family since that's her blood. Family and traditions means much more in eastern Asian countries than they do back home. I don't know what I would do if I were in her situation. I just wish they would give me a chance, get to know me first before placating me. I have a good job, take care of myself, am an all-around good human being who just happens to love one of their family members. If she loves me too and does the same, why isn't that good enough? Why can't they just let her choose since we make each other happy? She said herself that if I was Chinese she wouldn't have left me and I know that's true.

We decided to remain good friends. We will still go out on Saturday nights, still travel together like we did today, still do everything we did in the past except be intimate. I am thankful for that. The thought of her not in my life is heartbreaking. I have never felt this way about another person before, not even my 2 close friends in Wisconsin.

Has anyone else been in a situation similar to this before? How did you deal with it? How long did it take you to get over the empty feelings inside? I have a feeling this will linger for several days, if not weeks.



Chris

many years ago I had a boyfriend that I wanted to marry. He was kind caring and compassionate to me. We were very much in love.
I had to break up with him because I found out my mother had spent all of my college money and thus my future was on hold while he was from a military family and had big plans for his future. An uneducated wife was not what he needed and his dreams were so big I couldn't ruin them......didn't have the heart to do that to him.

So I broke up with him. It was a terrible thing and very very painful.

I fell in love again but nobody has ever treated me with the love kindness or caring of my first love.

I'm married now and my husband is not particularly kind to me. If you truly love her you might go and speak with her father being sure to take him a suitable gift. If he still objects you must love her enough to abide by his wishes and make that clear to her father. Letting her go may end up being your only option.......life unfortunately is seldom fair.

That sounds like a terrible situation. If her family didn't like you because of your character that's one thing. But because you're not Chinese, that just seems really racist.

^^^ That and a lot of cultures still believe in racial purity and family heritage.

He fits neither of those two molds. Sorry, man - that stinks.

I understand her position. You are in China and you should know by now that:

1-Chinese culture values wealth and face (social position) above anything.

2-She comes from what can be called a higher medium income family (I would even call her wealthy compared to the standard of living of most Chinese).

3-Her father has a firm say in who she will marry.

4-Social connections > Who you are.

With these in mind you need to count up your assets, education and job prospects and literally present yourself to the father as someone who will enhance the family image/wealth. You could greatly improve your chances by getting the support of people who are higher than her father in the pecking order.

There's also another card you can play: If you're a US citizen or Resident you do have the bargaining chip of a greencard for the girl (and in the future, for the family). Believe it or not that is hard currency in China.

I doubt its a racial issue. I assure you that if you were a millionaire white man the father would be pushing her to marry you and have children ASAP.

Screw her family! What they think is irrelevant! This is not the f*****g Middle Ages--this is the 21st century!

This doesn't surprise me at all.

I may be wrong, but from what I understand, Chinese families are among the most "insular" in the world. That is, they want to remain purely Chinese and don't want to admit outsiders into their family. While that is particularly true in China, I think that it is a fairly strong feeling for immigrants who still remember the social mores of China.

It's not that they have something against you as an individual, but only that you are not Chinese.

Sadly, this is not unusual. In the US and much of Europe, we are used to dealing with a multicultural existence where people of all sorts of backgrounds and ancestries live together in relative harmony. However, in Asia, most countries are a monoculture and outsiders are not welcome. Even in Japan, which most of us see as very Western, this is still true. In fact, they are working on robots to care for the elderly in the future to make up for a lack of native workers. They see this as preferable to allowing people from other countries to emigrate to theirs and possibly pollute the gene pool. Even if you do marry into their culture, emigrate to their country and have children, you will NEVER be accepted. Worse still, your children will be persecuted for being half breeds and not accepted as being Chinese. It's one of those cases where fairness is irrelevant. The country is as it is and you sort of have to accept it because you will never be allowed to change it.

Today has been better. I wrote a 3-page letter to Shanshan today sharing my feelings. I was very open, sincere and kind in that letter, the contents of which I would rather keep private. However, I needed to write it to her to mend my heart. She did wish me good morning as she always does, and also advised me to be brave after I she received the letter. Afterwards, I went out for a lengthy walk, meditated, and read. However, I will see her at work and she also will spend time with me on Saturday evening. I don't want to discuss anything overtly serious when I see her, I just want to laugh and enjoy my time with her.

I have long realized that cultural norms regarding an individual's choice to love and marry are vastly different here than they are in Western society. However, we loved each other and she assured me that she wanted to be with me in spite of her father's wishes. In January, Shanshan's father was the only person against her dating me. When she went home over the Mid-Autumn Festival, her entire family was against it. He holds enormous clout with his position in the family. Having 1 person in opposition to you vs. 30 people against you is an entirely different story. In that regard, I cannot blame her if those expected behavior patterns are a mold of their society. Therefore, I know they do not have angst against me personally because I am not a Chinese citizen, but it is extremely personal because of everything we shared. Sometimes circumstances occur when it is not intended to be personal but it is anyway. Regardless of the fact, I must accept it whether I like it or not.

Thank you all for your input. In many ways, I needed to flush my feelings out of my system. I did that by writing the experiences of yesterday and my letter to her today. Tomorrow, I want to cycle to Dong Qian Lake and visit the Younger Zoo and not think about this until I see Shanshan again at work on Thursday (She only works on Thursdays and Saturdays). I know she will be on my mind, but I want time to heal some wounds before I see her again Thursday.

For those that have romantic partners, love them every opportunity you get. There may never be another person like that again.

Perhaps it was initially seen as a minor fling but later as getting too serious to tolerate.

Become rich. This usually helps racists relax.

But yeah, your situation sounds bad. If she was a few years older it is possible she would choose you over her family, or at least do her best to convince them you're a part of her life, and so are they, so everyone has to accept this.

I've heard cases where the woman does move away with her partner. Eventually time heals the family bond and wounds mend.

If it were me I would stay optimistic, try to build financial security, and go for another attempt.

I would still keep in touch with her though, no matter what

damn! I'm in a similar boat with my gf and her family!

Chinese parents are the worst! For anyone! You get A-??! ! You dishonor famiry! Get A prus, or go kirr youself now!

This can be a movie.